Packers-Vikings LiveBlog: Brett’s Revenge

8:06-We’ll get this cracking in about 20 minutes. Get excited.

8: 29-Everyone picks the Vikes but Steve Young. Is it weird that the studio table is segregated: white dudes on the left, black dudes on the right?

8:30-We get a narration from Brett as he runs through the tunnel, which I guess is supposed to be the thoughts running through his head. I want to watch a football game, not an awful sports dramedy.

8:33-Brett drops a football, looks like he just found out his son is dating the personal male drama coach he paid for.

8:34-A part of me hopes Brett throws a late game-losing situation, then rips off his jersey to reveal a Packers jersey underneath and proceeds to battle that awesome Viking mascot to the death. The other part of me has 20 dollars on the Vikings -3.

8:36-Ron Jaworski describes Adrian Peterson’s “lateral agility.” Made me think of “horizontal agility.” Adrian Peterson’s got to be f*cking phenomenal in bed, doesn’t he?

8:40-Brad Childress seriously looks like an evil scientist.

8:41-Vikings fans are absolutely rabid, which I guess makes sense. It’s sort of like the new mistress battling the ex-wife. The mistress has been building up serious rage and will really break out the nails.

8:43-Ryan Grant breaks out a screen for 13 yards. Glad to see he’s come out of his coma for this episode of As The Brett Turns.

8:45-Donald Lee jumps over three Vikings, which Aaron Rodgers will probably have to do eventually considering how awful his RT Allen Barber is, and how awful whoever the hell is playing LT now. Barber jumps. He’s terrified.

8:47-Aaron Rodgers completes the kind of ball on 3rd down that Jon Gruden thinks about when he masturbates.

8:49-Thank you Allen Barber! He ollays his man, which allows Jared Allen to collapse from the other side when Rodgers starts to flee and knocks the ball out. These tackles will be the death of Aaron Rodgers.

8:53-What in the name of Brett Favre’s sexual potency are the Packers challenging? Why is Jon Gruden blaming Aaron Rodgers when he had a half second to throw?

8:54-It isn’t that weird seeing Favre play the Packers on the Vikings. just kind of like when you realize the girl you took home is a dude, you know? You just roll with it.

8:55-Adrian Peterson gets the first down in three carries. Under over on Brett’s passes: 17? 20?

8:57-Brett’s first pass is absolutely vintage. He’s roping us in…

8:58-Personal foul on the Pack. To be fair, I’d probably get naked and start dancing if I stopped Adrian Peterson for a two yard gain.

9:00-An AWESOME effort by Bernard Berrian to stretch for the first down. Gotta go for it with AP if this is short.

9:02-Peterson gets the first. On the next play, he runs into his own lineman, breaks six ankles, takes on three defenders, checks his nails.

9:03-Brett makes a classically dangerous throw across his body to Shiancoe for the score! They could have easily scored with AP there, but you can tell they wanted to get Brett the touchdown. Glad to see Brad Childress is putting Brett’s revenge above anything else. ESPN should send him some dye to get his beard and hair the same color to say thank you. 7-0 VIKINGS.

9:10-INSANE TOUCHDOWN play by Rodgers, stepping up in the rush and hitting JaMarcus Finley in stride for 62 yards. Wow. His first throw of the drive looked like he was trying to get into a dick measuring contest with Favre when he almost got picked, and then, well…so far, his is bigger. 7-7 TIE.

9:18-Brett flops his first block attempt of the night, looking like me drunk freshman year trying to seduce a girl into bed. Then one hops his third down throw, looking mad the rules weren’t changed for him.

9:22-Arby’s roast beef in HD is one of the most sickening things I’ve ever seen. I feel like I just saw Peyton Manning naked (my girlfriend: that wouldn’t be so sickening. Double ew.)

9:23-Rodgers destroyed again. I’m sensing a pattern.

9:25-Holy shit. Greg Jennings makes an amazing 4th down catch on a deflection off Driver.

9:25-Brad Childress can’t get his challenge flag out in time. It would have been incomplete. The advantages of having a coach who isn’t as indecisive as Brett.

9:27-Winfield jumps an out route, picks off Rodgers, Brett Favre exhales.

9:29-”EOS Myoplex: you’re not done yet.” Is EOS Myoplex your sexually aggressive uncle?

9:32-If I was going to take one thing to an abandoned island, it’d be Adrian Peterson.

9:34-”Peterson out the back door”-Jaworski. He really isn’t helping me keep my girlfriend from making jokes where she threatens to anally penetrate me.

9:37-Brett has suddenly discovered his 97 mph fastball. His arm seriously might fall off after this game.

9:39-Favre somehow finds the throwing lane while looking in the other direction, then tackles Chester Taylor, and gets the Vikings Viking so excited I was momentarily afraid he was going to rape and pillage Brad Childress.

14-7 VIKINGS.

9:46-Deshawn Wynn drops a swing pass, looks at his pink gloves scornfully. Seen this a lot this weekend.

9:48-I think the Olsen twins gained two hundred pounds and are playing tackle for Green Bay. Mary Kate really let Jared Allen take advantage of her there.

9:49-Thoughts on the Favre Indecisive Sears Commercial: Do they just let him sleep there anytime he wants? It’s weird. Does this happen other places? What if he goes to a sex shop? I’d be afraid to come to work in the morning and find him covered in Astroglide, desperately trying to decide between a pink and purple vibrator.

9:50-JESUS. What a violent play by Clay Matthews to rip that ball away. Peterson has to learn to go down sometimes. Touchdown Packers 14-14.

9:56-Brett Favre is killing the Packers on 3rd down. Like my grandpa, he looks much more comfortable in controlled 72 degree weather.

9:59-Favre is absolutely on fire. Why do I feel like I’ll be watching Dennis Quaid play him in this game in about two years?

10:01-AP walks in. I think the refs are just calling offside every play in case Favre throws a pick.

VIKINGS 21-PACKERS 14

10:03-My girlfriend: Brett Favre just spanked that dude! Like really spanked him! He really went after that ass!

10:05-Someone needs to give Mary Kate at LT some coke or Aaron Rodgers is gonna get killed.

10:07-Pass to Driver. Rodgers smartly takes the timeout with one second left. Brett Favre decided to leave before the Hail Mary. HAIL MARY TIME!

10:09-Jared Allen gets in a fight with the Packers bench over an incredibly clean hit. Do you think Chris Berman and Tom Jackson ever get drunk and fool around?

10:10-Be back in five minutes. I think I just went blind from Chris Berman’s tie.

10:23-Internet went out. Don’t know why I haven’t mentioned this, but Mike Tirico’s pink tie is FANTASTIC. Why isn’t Gruden and Jaworski wearing pink? Are they too emasculated to help a good cause? Are they going with the whole “black guys wear pink better” argument?

10:27-Adrian Peterson and Chris Johnson are two really rare backs that can turn the corner anytime, even when it’s absolutely impossible. Peterson outruns the entire Pack defense laterally and then hurdles five yards out of bounds just for fun.

10:28-That being said, the Packers are doing a great job playing disciplined and bottling up Peterson. They’re challenging Favre to beat them and well…he is.

10:29-Brett Favre has literally 12 seconds to throw, Favre pump throws, three times, runs back and forth for shits and giggles, and then finds Dougan for 30 yards.

10:30-ANOTHER BRETT TOUCHDOWN! A beautiful strike down the sideline to a wide open Bernard Berrian. Brett is 12 for his last 13. This is absolutely ridiculous.

VIKINGS 28-PACKERS 14

10:33-I’m so grateful that I’m not a Packers fan. I can’t imagine Eli playing ten more great years for the Giants and then playing for Philly. I especially can’t imagine living with that if I lived in Wisconsin and had nothing to do but gorge myself on fried foods and watch football (which, I guess, is all I do anyway in New York).

10:38-Aaron Rodgers is fleeing the pocket faster than Tony Sarigusa flees a salad bar.

10:40-Amazing throw by Aaron Rodgers to Driver for a 20+yard gain. I’d love to see him play behind an offensive line.

10:42-Rodgers sacked by Bryan Robinson, for somewhere between the 15-20th time tonight, but he should have thrown that football.

10:43-Great screen to Ryan Grant. Grant with a nice juke. The Packers oline is so bad the Vikes can’t recognize when they’re letting them in on purpose.

10:44-Gruden and Jaworski are arguing over the best coach with challenges: Gruden says McCarthy. Jaworski says Coughlin. Trick question: McCarthy has the best percentage. Coughlin has the most wins.

10:45-Great play by Leber to track down Donald Lee in space.

10:46-4TH AND GOAL. PUT BRETT IN AT LINEBACKER! HE’S HUNGRY! HUNGRY!

10:48-Dropped Touchdown by Donald Lee. Rodgers actually had protection there. That’s completely killer.

10:50: My girlfriend’s thoughts on James Gandolfini’s role in where the wild things are: “can you imagine that instead of James Gandolfini’s voice in the movie for the main wild thing, it was just James Gandolfini completely naked leading the kid on a magical adventure?”

10:54-Favre’s 20-24. His nipples must be scorching right now.

10:58-Crazy wildcat play with a direct snap to Percy Harvin, a hand off, a flip to Sidney Rice, followed by Rice deciding to fling the ball out of bounds instead of getting by one Packers d-lineman at the line of scrimmage that he’s about twenty times faster than. Who knew that Sidney Rice plays quarterback just like Donovan Mcnabb?

11:01-Brett Favre throws an absolute laser to a comatose Sidney Rice who barely puts his hands up to catch it. He would have scored.

11:05-The Packers give up their 6th sack of the night, and Mary Kate Olsen blows out her left knee at LT in the process. After the break, Jon Gruden will reveal how if Brett Favre were still in Green Bay, he could play LT and QB at the same time.

11:08-Aaron Rodgers wanders away from the ball like he’s completely confused, they snap the ball to Deshawn Wynn, who almost slips by for the first down. The Panthers should sign Vinny Testeverde again and make this their entire offense: Vinny seemingly wandering away from the play in a fit of senility to set up a snap to DeAngelo Williams every play.

11:13-Cheser Taylor gets 11.5 of 12 yards on 3rd and 12. Do you think Chester Taylor’s wife ever slips out something like: “Well Adrian cleaned up his plate?” and Taylor completely flips out?

11:15-Great play by Benny Sapp to keep the ball out of the end zone. What are the odds of a safety here considering the Packers JV offensive line? 1-1? 1-2?

11:17-What does it say about football fans that there have been 50 commercials for Where the Wild Things Are?  I feel like these are little clues that football fans also smoke a lot a lot a lot of weed.

11:18-Antione Winfield absolutely kills Ryan Grant on a swing pass at the one. Brutal.

11:19-I was almost right. Aaron Rodgers avoids the safety by fumbling out of the end zone. Packers challenge.

11:20-Packers Challenge. It is a safety. Call me a drunk fireman, cuz I’m on fire!

VIKINGS 30-PACKERS 14

11:21-Will this lead to the rare onside kick on a post-safety kick? I’m weirdly excited.

11:22-Gruden: If the Packers win this challenge, the Vikings fans will go crazy! Really? I don’t think they’re idiots. Getting the ball at the two is far superior. C’mon, these aren’t Cowboys fans.

11:25-Why don’t the Packers try an onside kick there? That seems like your best chance of feasibly winning the game here? Even if the Vikings go 3 and out here, they’ll drain 2 minutes off the clock.

11:29-Punt out at the Packer 4. Two safeties in two minutes?

11:31-Jared Allen chases down JaMarcus Finley 50 yards downfield to save a TD. As sexy as Brett Favre running 45 yards downfield to stupidly try to take out Patrick Willis? I think not.

11:33-The Vikings decide to stop playing defense, and Aaron Rodgers finds Jordie Nelson who splits the safeties and scores! This is suddenly a football game again! 99-yard TD drive.

Vikings 30-Packers 20

11:34-Two point conversion attempt from the one.

11:35-The Vikes finally bring pressure. Rodgers tries a Favre-esque flip, but he doesn’t have Brett’s magic balls.

11:36-Great onside kick by the Mason Crosby, but Sidney Rice does a great job recovering the kick.

11:37-It’s worth noting that I have the Vikings -3. If the Packers get a cheap TD to push, I’m going to scream.

11:41-Nelson muffs the punt, big scrum for the ball. Jaworski, profoundly: in that mass of humanity, you just don’t know.” Indeed sir. Indeed.

11:42-Where has the Vikings pass rush gone?

11:44-If the Packers stall, they should consider the quick FG, onside kick, go for the TD strategy. Mostly so I can avoid the Packers cheap push.

11:47-Grant down to the 18 out of bounds. I’m terrified.

11:49-Allen sack. Stupid pass to the middle of the field by Rodgers. Incomplete out of bounds. Packers field goal, and they still have a pulse!

VIKINGS 30-PACKERS 23.

11:50-Sidney Rice should get a game ball for his two onside kick recoveries. Absolutely fantastic job by Rice and by the Viking wedge. And Brett takes that beautiful knee, I win my bet, and Packers fans, if you’re going to get completely smashed, do it now and do it quickly. Work starts in nine hours.