Week Four NFL Picks: Beware Jim Zorn’s Hipster Shuffle

There are enough great games this week to give Al Michaels a heart attack. There are also enough huge lines to give me a heart attack. I want to make a quick and important point: do not trust most NFL teams to cover a big spread. Just don’t. Laying over a touchdown with anyone but the few great teams is like moving in with someone: sure they seem great when it starts, but then they’re lounging around in lo mein stained boxers and watching Lifetime movies all day. By the end of it, you’re weeping while scraping moldy chicken off your Saved by the Bell collector’s plate. Not cool. Before you lay ten points on Jay Cutler this weekend, think about it: he probably has poo-stained underwear.

Who do you want to move in with? Someone who’s consistent, and maybe a little boring, but you love them for it. The Giants’ game was painfully dull to watch last week against the Bucs, but damn it, you knew they’d keep pounding it and cover that 7 point spread.

So how does this practically apply to betting? Glad you asked. I made a badass chart.

Got it? Good. As for Hadley’s picks this week, well, we got drunk for her almost-birthday and started talking about which coaches would win a dance-off, and I love the idea of Tom Coughlin breaking out the worm at halftime, so she’ll pick by imagining head coaches boogy-oogy-oogying head to head:

Oakland (+9) over TEXANS

Betting on the Texans to cover a nine point spread is like betting on Lindsay Lohan to show up to dinner on time, sober and with underwear on. Plus, betting on JaMarcus Russell is my new favorite masochistic adventure sport.

Hadley: Texans. I think this picture explains my reasoning. Gary Kubiak clearly came down with Saturday Night Fever before last Sunday’s big game.

JAGUARS (+3) over Titans

The Titans have lost the right to be road favorites. I don’t know if Collin’s is drinking, or not drinking, or what, but he has to switch plans here. He’s doing all the things he did in his Giants days: shuffling uncomfortably in the pocket, trying to squeeze balls through impossible spots into Alge Crumpler’s jiggling gut, sexually molesting his center, etc. Except, he doesn’t have the same skill set he used to (or as soft hands). That week 1 overtime loss to the Steelers is looking less and less impressive.

This game would be a lot more entertaining if Chris Johnson and Pocket Hercules competed in wild tests of skill.

Hadley: Jaguars. Jack Del Rio told Jaguars in 2003 to “Keep Chopping Wood.” If “Chopping Wood” doesn’t sound like an erotic dance move composed of violent thrusts and hand slashing, I don’t know what does.

Ravens (+2) over PATRIOTS (LOCK OF THE WEEK/UPSET SPECIAL)

The AFC’s most balanced and dominating team is underdog to…a still shaky Tom Brady, a stiff-backed Randy Moss, a limping Wes Welker, and a defense held together by the genius-gunk Bill Belichick secretes from his brain each night. The Pats survived last week because the Falcons played poorly and Fred Taylor looked spryer than the Jonas Brothers coked up at a bat mitzah.

Plus, something tells me Ray Lewis’s snarl will shake Terrific Tom’s confidence in that knee.

Hadley: Patriots. Bon Jovi dedicated the song “Bounce” to Bill Belichick. That proves he can at least bounce. And it’s way easier to imagine Belichick rocking out at a Bon Jovi concert (to the extent that anyone can rock out at a Bon Jovi concert) than to picture John Harbaugh busting any move but the Goofy Dad Pose.

Bengals (-6) over BROWNS

Browns fans started a petition to get owner Randy Lerner to sell the team. Never a good sign. It’s also not a good sign when your backup QB enters the game in relief, throws three picks, and wins the starting job. We’re about two weeks away from fans dumping crates of Myoplex on Brady Quinn’s front yard and lathering Eric Mangini’s car in Crisco, then filming him on all fours licking his windshield.

Hadley: Browns. Eric Mangini is thirty-eight and Marvin Lewis is fifty-one. I’m going to give Eric Mangini the advantage of youth here. Who doesn’t want to see that baby-face shaking it on the floor?

Giants (-9) over CHIEFS

Todd Haley looks like a small child pouting for candy on the sideline. It isn’t out of the question that we’ll find him hiding under the bench by the end of the year, sucking his thumb and snuggling with a Larry Fitzgerald jersey.

Hadley: Giants. I know what you’re thinking: Tom Coughlin? Really? Yes, he’s sixty-three and has seen more virile days, but I think this picture proves that Coughlin has grace, he has style, and he will can-can your ass to shreds.

Lions (+10) over BEARS

I’m not trusting Jay Cutler to cover a ten point spread. Other things I wouldn’t trust Jay Cutler to do: babysit my niece, date any of my friends, get through an entire party without roofying someone.

Hadley: Bears. Lovie Smith is looking mighty fit for a man past fifty, and his name just screams for the epithet, “Disco Demon.” Jim Schwartz looks like his dancing would involve a lot of fist-pumping.

Buccaneers (+7.5) over REDSKINS

On one hand, it’s Josh Johnson on the road. On the other hand, it’s an awful Skins team laying over a touchdown in front of fans that absolutely despise them. Johnson was better than Leftwich last week, which is kind of like saying someone’s sexier than Roseanne Barr, but still.

Hadley: Redskins. Jim Zorn was adorable in his youth as the Seahawks QB. I’ll bet back then he did the hipster shuffle and flipped his hair. And I’ll bet he’s still got it.

COLTS (-10) over Seahawks

You better have a good reason to bet against Peyton Manning. Seneca Wallace does not qualify.

Hadley: Colts. How could Jim Mora Jr. possibly tear up the dance floor those unflattering, pleated pants? Jim Caldwell, however, rocks the tracksuit and is ready to break it down any time the moment calls.

Jets (+7) over SAINTS

Update: The Jets top two cornerbacks are out. I reverse my pick.

One of the best matchups of the week: the Jets great secondary and fearsome blitz package against the Saints unstoppable offense. The Jets O is the biggest threat the Saints have faced this year (with apologies to Kevin Kolb). The Over (45) looks tantalizing in this one.

I think Rex Ryan will get this team pumped to topple the Saints. The man’s blitz packages are more exciting and exotic than a school of bisexual mermaids (whom Mark Sanchez would probably be able to sleep with). Brees will commit a few mistakes. This will probably be a 3 or 4 point win for the Saints, but it could swing the other way.

Hadley: Saints. Rex Ryan has a Masters in physical education, and he sort of looks like everyone’s high school gym teacher. Good company to throw back a couple of beers? Absolutely. Good company for making love in the club? Not so much. Sean Payton, on the other hand, grew up with sisters, who probably taught him at least basic boogying technique.

BRONCOS (+3) over Cowboys

If Jake Delhomme was even borderline-competent, the Cowboys would have lost their second consecutive primetime game at home. I’m starting to think that Delhomme’s frantic celebrations on the rare occasion that he throws a touchdown isn’t a sign of his love of the game, but rather a symptom of bipolar disorder, and it impedes basic functions, like reading a cover 2 and not playing ass-grab with everyone on the sideline between series.

I keep hearing that the Broncos are the weakest 3-0 team in history, that they don’t think the Broncos have played anyone decent, that they’d rather f*ck a can of stale Budweiser than sleep with Kyle Orton…but you know what? When you only give up 5.3 points a game in the NFL, you’re probably pretty good.

Denver is one of the last havens of homefield advantage in the league. This line is a joke.

Hadley: Broncos. Wade Phillip’s daughter is a dancer/choreographer, which means dancing is in his genes. But Josh McDaniels was a called a “legend” of his high school football team, which means that he probably got a lot of ladies rubbing up on him at the Homecoming dance. Hormones are a powerful inspiration for breaking it down.

Pick I Forgot to Add Earlier: DOLPHINS (+2) over Bills

We’re two weeks away from Terrell Owens cutting off Trent Edward’s pinky finger and then holding a press conference to announce that he’ll be running the Wildcat full time from now on (Dick Jauron will probably be asleep, so it won’t be a problem). Then, when those douchy Coors Light frat boys pester him at the press conference, TO will bring the beat down on them, and then remind us that we can tell when a god damn can is cold just by touching it.

Hadley: Bills. Dick Jauron’s name sounds like a character from 1970′s science fiction porn (ie. Dick Jauron stars in “The Big Bang!”). If he can do the horizontal tango, turning it vertical isn’t much of a stretch.

Chargers (+6.5) over STEELERS

The Chargers O-line is banged up, and Norv Turner will probably use jetlag as an excuse to sleep through this whole game, but feeling like it’s 5 pm instead of 8 pm shouldn’t be a huge deal for the rest of the team.

Hadley: Steelers. Norv Turner looks like more of the square-dancing type. Mike Tomlin wears some seriously stylish shades, which clinches it for me. We all know that most of winning a dance-off is a snazzy outfit and a little attitude.

VIKINGS (-3) over Packers

I’d like nothing more than for John Madden to make a guest appearance for this game, splooge his pants, and then run onto the field mid-play to give Brett Favre a giant hug, sack the 40 year old QB and ruin his shoulder.

More likely though, Vikes DE Jason Allen is going to dominate Packers RT Allen Barber, who gave up five sacks to Bengals DE Antwan Odom, and Adrian Peterson will make us all feel bad about ourselves.

Hadley: Vikings. Tough call! But in the end, I want to see Brad Childress dance so badly that I will give him a pre-emptive win just to make it happen. That goofy mustache gives me no end of delight.

Last week:

Joe: 8-8

Hadley: 9-7

Season:

Joe: 26-22

Hadley: 27-21

Photos: Gary Kubiak, Jim Zorn, Tom Coughlin, Jim Schwartz

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