When the Procrastinators Group was formed on Meetup.com, there was hope that procrastinators would soon be able to share their passion for putting things off.

Alas, the inaugural event date remains unscheduled, though frequent communication from group leaders has assured members that they were “making some real progress” in choosing a date and time and “had their eye on the prize.”

Several group members told the Faster Times that they were going to complain, but just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

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Conceding that the recommended 30 chews per bite was frankly unrealistic in a nation of shameless gorgers, United States Surgeon General Regina Benjamin pleaded for Americans to chew their food three or four times, at the very least.

“Listen, we gave up on the pipe dream of people sitting down and savoring their food in small bites a long time ago,” Benjamin said. “But when you’re scarfing down a Doritos Locos taco in two bites, things get dangerous.”

Franklin pointed to an incident last year in which a Blooming Onion was found lodged in the esophagus of an Oklahoma man, fully intact.

“We’re not asking for anything crazy,” the Surgeon General pleaded. “Just three or four chews should break the food down into non-fatal chunks.”

Benjamin also attempted a logical appeal to her countrymen. “I know you want to get to the next bite—I know. But when you chew food, you get to taste it longer for god’s sake, you fat fucking morons.”

Benjamin added that if the nation keeps inhaling their chicken fingers like that, she’s not going to get up and walk across the room to perform the Heimlich on its dumb ass.

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In what some are calling a Mother’s Day miracle and others are dismissing as the desperate delusions of a sad woman, Westchester Mom Kate Greenfield is still clinging to her Mother’s Day high of five days prior.

Though her teenage sons had already returned to their usual state of hostile distance and continued their habit of leaving cum-stained towels in the laundry bin for her wash, Greenfield has continued to assert that her family has been “making me feel special all week.”

“When my husband Barry called me on Tuesday to pick him up on the bar, instead of just driving drunk and endangering our family’s livelihood like usual, I knew he wanted to make me feel like sunshine all week,” Greenfield explained.

Greenfield was not even deterred by the vase of tulips, a gift from her sons, decomposing on her kitchen table. With tulips, “death becomes the seed of life,” she said.

Coworkers unnerved by Greenfield’s cheerful disposition and flower-related monologues hoped that she’d cut it the fuck out once the week was over.

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Published since 1952 by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM has been the mental health community’s chief reference for classifying and treating patients. But a new generation of professionals is leading the charge against “a book more difficult than Ikea instructions,” in the words of successful life coach Toni Pagliarulo, 26, a star on the Bravo series “Long Island Shrinks.” “My clients become close, personal friends,” the expert adds. “As soon as I meet them on Skype and see what they wear, how they talk, I pretty much know what they’re about.”

To be sure, the inclusion of “Cra Cra” has seasoned academics concerned about a dumbing down of psychiatric terminology. “I’m frankly appalled,” says Harvard psychiatry professor emeritus Morrie Schwartzberg, M.D., Ph.D., who served on the task force assembled to revise the new edition. “But as much as I argued with the young people on our team, I couldn’t sway them,” he says. “Soon they were calling me ‘Cra Cra’ and rotating their index fingers next to their heads. Then they escorted me by force into the very psychiatric institution that I helped create and kept me on lockdown until the final draft was submitted.”

Schwartzberg’s harrowing experience aside, there may be positive uses for “Cra Cra.” “Right now, I have to check one of 10 different boxes on insurance forms,” says licensed New Jersey social worker Whit Victory, 25, a self-described “psychotherapist” who refused to be quoted anonymously and demanded his website (DrVictory.com) be included with his comment in this well-sourced health article. “If I can just tell an insurer that my patient–say, John Miller, the cross-dressing gym teacher at Montclair High School–is off-the-charts ‘Cra Cra,’ it saves me time and money, and then we can really make healthcare efficient in this country.

As for legal issues, ‘Cra Cra’ may cause initial confusion for some, but it could also lead to speedier trials. “My last case concerned a cop who sexually abused 12 co-workers in 40 minutes, and then proclaimed himself ‘Penis God of the Golden State’ from the roof of his office,” says Brian McFrey, 33, a first-term San Diego judge. “We don’t know exactly what’s wrong with this guy, but our psychologists are using giant words to describe his ‘disorder.’ This is taking up days and tax dollars. To me the dude’s just ‘Cra Cra.’ Can we just call him that, and give him his fine? I don’t know why shrinks are so wordy, but hopefully things will only improve with the next version of the book — meaning, maybe we won’t even need one.”

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Despite living in an age where advertisements can be tailored to his individual interests, Trent Michaels, 32, from Erie, PA has been tailoring his own life to be more relevant to his Hulu ads.

“I’m an open-minded guy!” says Michaels, 32, a fan of Hell’s Kitchen and part-time plumber. “If Neutrogena is allowing me to watch Community with limited commercial interruption, who’s to say my pores couldn’t use less harsh sulfites?”

Once a simple beer lover, Michaels now ranks the buzz from switching between insurance plans and cell phone operators as “probably my biggest vice,” while his food tastes have become a mass of contradictions. “I like my home-cooked meals to be restaurant quality and my meals out to taste the way momma used to make them at home,” he explains.

Chronically indecisive and frankly pretty broke right now, Michaels relaxes by day-drinking and eating yogurt while standing. “Just because I stream TV for free in the daytime doesn’t mean I’m not interested in high-end vodka,” he says. “I’m still looking for some brown friends with distinctly-caucasian features to share it with though. Where are they all hiding?”

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Brooklyn resident and food activist Bradley Wolchensker surprised even fellow activists with his recent announcement that he would henceforth be living entirely off his own beard.

“A lot of people don’t realize how many things can grow from a healthy beard,” said Wolchensker, who currently counts basil, garlic, and squash among the herbs and vegetables sprouting beneath his chin. “It really comes down to staying local,” Wolchensker added.

Wolchensker acknowledged that not everything grows well in a beard. “I had to throw out all my cucumbers this year,” Wolchensker said, “but the zucchinis are doing great. You can really taste the difference when it comes right from your own face.”

Wolchensker, snacking on one of his beard-grown zucchinis as he spoke, said that he’s now considering plans for a Community-Supported Beard Agriculture (CSBA) group so that those who are unable to grow beards can share in the bumper crop.  “I hate to see a nice ripe beard squash go to waste,” Wolchensker said, adding that, as of yet, no one has signed up for a share of his beard.

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Standing on the steps of the courthouse hearing his latest murder case, DeHart said he feared his new belief in himself would ruin his business. “It just feels so strange,” DeHart said. “It never occurred to me that I might actually be telling the truth sometimes.”

DeHart said that the new development goes beyond his legal practice and that he’s even starting to believe some of the things he tells his wife. “The other night I told her I was going to cut back on all the drinking,” DeHart said, “and then I thought, wait, maybe I’ll actually do it.”

For her part, DeHart’s wife, Linda, isn’t impressed. “I liked him more when he knew he was full of shit,” Mrs. DeHart said.

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Using the combined power of state-run Kwangmyong’s 15-acre server farm, workers toiled long hours under a blistering sun with little more than hand calculators, culling the list of thousands down to the top 5.

Top 5 Searches (translated from Korean):

1. How to make nuclear bomb

2. Where is food?

3. How to escape North Korea?

4. How to delete last search?

5. How to survive three years in labor camp for making bad search?

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Undaunted by the barrage of criticism directed his way after his disastrous coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings, New York Post editor Col Allan announced today that the paper is already hard at work on its next “total bullshit” story.

“The world is full of great stories,” Allan said. “And there is plenty of pure bullshit we can add to those stories if we keep our heads down and remain focused.”

Allan said that the New York Post newsroom is currently conducting an active search for residents of West Texas they might be able to blame for the tragic explosions in the area.

“If there’s an opportunity for adding in some bullshit, we’ll do whatever it takes to sniff it out,” Allan said.

“Get it?” Allan continued. “Sniff bullshit…. Because it smells…” Frustrated that no one was laughing at his joke, Allan promised to run a cover story blaming 9/11 on the reporters in the room.

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The social web was ablaze today with news that a large group of Reddit users had teamed up to track and locate Waldo, the spectacled man in a striped red sweater who evaded capture for 25 years as Americans searched for him in crowds at the circus, park, candy convention, and other fun places, such as football games and castles with  moats.

Brought together on the fast-growing /r/waldo subreddit, self-described “Waldo Watchers” coordinated their effort and finally got their man.

It was a crucial victory in a contentious race with a /r/wally subreddit from the UK, who knew the man as Wally and hoped to locate him first.

While being led into the courthouse, Waldo told reporters that he doesn’t know what the hell everyone is talking about and that he just likes crowds because they make him feel less alone.

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