On Tuesday, the Society for the Detrendification of Marijuana revealed that they have been paying actress Amanda Bynes to perform stunts such as hit and runs, incomprehensible and aggressive tweeting, and bong defenestration.

“The cool connotations of pot are of great concern to us,” said the society’s president Myrtle Munch. “We wanted to find someone who could shatter those associations, and so far we’ve been very pleased with Amanda’s work.”

The Society instructed Bynes to keep the drug in her possession at all times, and to smoke it frequently. The insane tweets that have confounded the internet have been carefully composed by a team consisting of teen psychologists, former child stars, and Charlie Sheen. Professional stunt drivers elaborately staged Bynes’s many accidents.

“Throwing the bong out the window was all her, though,” Munch said proudly.

Bynes is only the most recent of the Society’s employees, its most notable spokesperson being Justin Bieber. Its roundabout tactics, which include supplying young celebrities with marijuana, have received some criticism from the public. Bynes herself says that she is delighted to have the work.

“Things haven’t been going so well since I left The Amanda Show, if I’m being honest,” she told The Faster Times. “I was flattered that they considered me relevant enough for this task.”

So far, the stunt has met with success. The Society reports that the vast weed paraphernalia market has decreased to half of its former value, while reported pot smoking has decreased by 25%.

“It’s just not cool anymore,” said UC Santa Cruz sophomore and former weed smoker Jake Clopper. “She’s made us all look bad. Now all I can think about when I smoke a joint is She’s The Man, and no one wants that.”

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While promoting his new film “The Fast and The Furious 6” at Scarsdale High, actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was ambushed by 15-year-old student Alan “the Paper” Rubinstein, who reportedly popped out from under the bleachers and gave the star a small, yet annoying cut on the right thumb.

The alleged assailant told The Faster Times that he has always fancied himself as one of Rock’s most dangerous nemesis. “I got my nickname from my complexion and my distinctive combat style,” The Paper enthusiastically remarked. “When I heard that there was a famous wrestler called ‘The Rock,’ I knew it was my destiny to wrap his life up in a showdown.”

The victory came as a surprise, as The Paper has not had much success in his first year as Scarsdale High’s most prolific (and only) superhero.

“Alan usually just takes printer paper from the library and throws it at people,” explained Principal Douglas Hurston. “Those sheets usually float miserably in the air, less than a foot away, while Alan dashes away shouting nonsense.”

“He’s not one of our brighter students,” added Principal Hurston.

Still Alan’s parents, David and Gloria, maintain an unfounded amount of pride in their son. “I can’t believe that Alan met the Rock,” gushed his mother. “Mr. Johnson is a very strong and sexy man. I’ve seen ‘The Scorpion King’ so many times. If Alan continues with his stretches and scoliosis treatments, maybe one day he’ll be fighting big dust monsters in those racy linen tunics.”

Despite his confidence, Rubinstein is apparently dreading his next battle against famed LGBT hero Claudia “The Scissor” Booker.

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An Acme employee struggles to breathe in the minutes after the fart.

A single monster fart is forcing management at Acme Technologies in Woodstock, IL to reconsider the usefulness of the “Open Office” concept. Although the company has long claimed that its wall and partition-free work area is great for increased collaboration, the monster fart from an unidentified employee could change the way Acme does business going forward.

According to a statement released by Acme, the fart was released in the early afternoon on Wednesday, just after most employees had returned from lunch. What started out as a few people arching their eyebrows and sniffing the air, rapidly transformed into a stampede toward the emergency exits.

“That was insane,” said Acme employee Calvin Lerner, who was still using his shirt as a makeshift gas mask 45 minutes after the mighty rip. “I didn’t know what was happening at first. I just heard Marilyn in accounting scream, ‘Sweet Jesus’ and then it hit me too.”

While the investigation continues, witnesses said it will be impossible to determine the fart’s point of origin. “It smelled like it was coming from everywhere,” said Acme employee Crytsal Danvers, who briefly lost consciousness after the odor hit her. “I really, really wish I had my office back.”

Acme CEO Sharon Shullenberg said the company would spend the next month reviewing its open office floor plan. “I just went back in there to get my keys, and you can still smell it, ” said a visibly shaken Shullenberg. “I haven’t gone over the numbers yet, but I can’t imagine that monster, room-clearing farts help our productivity.”

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Kaplan, an institution that specializes in online education, held its first ever reunion on Saturday.

“These students never really got the chance to meet each other,” explained Dean of Students Rodrick Prink. “And I thought it was about time to change that.”

The five-year reunion was held in a large-ish garage in Southern New Jersey.

Over the event’s first hour, seven alumni trickled in and gravitated toward the sides of the garage, where they hunched over their phones and shot furtive glances at one another. But once they had a few drinks, things got “really wild,” according to Prink.

The alumni reportedly began circulating the room in an attempt to mingle. But then Brian Benson, an IT guy in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, mumbled “A/S/L” to Kiera Block, who’s “still waiting to put my degree to work.” Soon all of the alumni were asking each other for their age, sex, and location.

“You’d think that they could at least figure out the location,” said Prink. “But I guess old habits die hard.”

The A/S/L question sparked a lively conversation between Benson and Block.

“We started talking about how annoying all those password changes were at Kaplan, and that really began our walk down memory lane,” he said.

As the stereo blasted “Forever Young,” the alums began dancing tipsily, while Block straddled Benson on a riding mower in the back corner.

“Wanna know what I answered when she asked me A/S/L?” an inebriated Benson screamed at The Faster Times. “Forty one, YES, and RIGHT HERE.”

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Eighth-grade bully Eric Morton said he thought he was dreaming when he heard that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift the organization’s ban on gay youths and teens.

“I honestly never thought this day would come,” said Morton, a student at Trenton Park Junior High in Trenton, New Jersey. “It just goes to show that, if you continue to believe and hope, anything is possible.”

“I’m just really happy for him,” said Morton’s father, Ray, a former bully himself. “This would have been unthinkable when I was growing up. It’s a great day for bullies everywhere.”

According to Morton, the prospect of gay Boy Scouts could change the face of bullying forever. “I used to have to work double duty,” Morton said. “I used to spend half of my day ridiculing and beating the Boy Scouts and half of my day ridiculing and beating the gaywads. Now there’s just one big group of scoutwads. It saves so much time and effort.”

Morton noted that while he’s not yet sure how he’s going to use his extra time, he’ll certainly be giving many more wedgies in the days ahead. “This is a new era,” Morton said. “Right now I just want to enjoy it.”

“Speaking of which, you look like a scoutwad yourself,” Morton added, as he picked up this reporter by the back of his underwear and hung him from a hook in the boy’s locker room.”

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A totally lame trust fall exercise during counselor training for the Bronx Urban Day Camp was reportedly redeemed when the boob of “totally hot” counselor Alexa Ali grazed the arm of 19-year-old counselor Derek Weiner.

“It was totally sweet,” an excited Weiner told The Faster Times. “And I’m pretty sure I brushed some nipple.”

After witnessing Ali’s breast graze the arm of Weiner, other previously disinterested male counselors became deeply engaged in the trust-building exercise.

“Alexa’s the hottest counselor, but Jamie Willwood’s got the best rack,” said Matt Simon, who was proudly voted BROunselor of the Year last summer. “And Jamie was up next.”

But despite his best efforts, Simon was unable to graze Willwood’s boob.

“I don’t know how Derek did it,” said Simon. “The man’s a god damn magician.”

Though Weiner—a virgin entering his sophomore year at Rutgers University—does perform magic tricks as a hobby, he said that magic had nothing to do with the miraculous boob graze.

“It had nothing to do with magic,” Weiner giggled. “This was all about being double-jointed.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose, though,” he added. “Oh God, please don’t let this lead to angry blog post about me on Jezebel.”

Image via Educational Technology

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His wife’s response to the call, a frowny face emoticon, prompted police to momentarily consider Mrs. Saunders a suspect. Upon investigation, however, it was determined that not only were there several witnesses to attest to Mrs. Saunders presence at Mohonk Mountain House, in New York’s Hudson Valley, but that it is common for the 50-year-old housewife and part-time freelance photographer to respond to tragic news with a frowny face. She recently posted the same emoticon on her daughter’s Facebook wall in response to a news article she posted about Hurricane Sandy victims who remained homeless months after the storm.

“My wife’s only crime is not understanding the proper usage of emoticons,” explained Mr. Saunders. “We are both extremely concerned about our daughter and my wife is beside herself with gried. In her mind, sending a frowny face is the ultimate show of concern.”

The post Mom Responds to News of Daughter’s Kidnapping with Frowny-Face Emoticon appeared first on The Faster Times.

When the Procrastinators Group was formed on Meetup.com, there was hope that procrastinators would soon be able to share their passion for putting things off.

Alas, the inaugural event date remains unscheduled, though frequent communication from group leaders has assured members that they were “making some real progress” in choosing a date and time and “had their eye on the prize.”

Several group members told the Faster Times that they were going to complain, but just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

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Conceding that the recommended 30 chews per bite was frankly unrealistic in a nation of shameless gorgers, United States Surgeon General Regina Benjamin pleaded for Americans to chew their food three or four times, at the very least.

“Listen, we gave up on the pipe dream of people sitting down and savoring their food in small bites a long time ago,” Benjamin said. “But when you’re scarfing down a Doritos Locos taco in two bites, things get dangerous.”

Franklin pointed to an incident last year in which a Blooming Onion was found lodged in the esophagus of an Oklahoma man, fully intact.

“We’re not asking for anything crazy,” the Surgeon General pleaded. “Just three or four chews should break the food down into non-fatal chunks.”

Benjamin also attempted a logical appeal to her countrymen. “I know you want to get to the next bite—I know. But when you chew food, you get to taste it longer for god’s sake, you fat fucking morons.”

Benjamin added that if the nation keeps inhaling their chicken fingers like that, she’s not going to get up and walk across the room to perform the Heimlich on its dumb ass.

The post Surgeon General Pleads For Americans to Chew Their Food 3 or 4 Times At the Very Least appeared first on The Faster Times.

In what some are calling a Mother’s Day miracle and others are dismissing as the desperate delusions of a sad woman, Westchester Mom Kate Greenfield is still clinging to her Mother’s Day high of five days prior.

Though her teenage sons had already returned to their usual state of hostile distance and continued their habit of leaving cum-stained towels in the laundry bin for her wash, Greenfield has continued to assert that her family has been “making me feel special all week.”

“When my husband Barry called me on Tuesday to pick him up on the bar, instead of just driving drunk and endangering our family’s livelihood like usual, I knew he wanted to make me feel like sunshine all week,” Greenfield explained.

Greenfield was not even deterred by the vase of tulips, a gift from her sons, decomposing on her kitchen table. With tulips, “death becomes the seed of life,” she said.

Coworkers unnerved by Greenfield’s cheerful disposition and flower-related monologues hoped that she’d cut it the fuck out once the week was over.

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