Pope Cites Stupid White Yarmulke as Reason for Quitting

Speaking to reporters on the last day of his eight-year papacy, Pope Benedict XVI cited the “stupid white yarmulke” he always had to wear as the reason for his retirement. “Newsflash, everyone: I’m not Jewish,” Benedict declared to the reporters, who had gathered outside the papal summer residence in Castel Gandolfo. “Why should I have to wear a yarmulke all day — let alone a big goofy white one?”

Benedict stressed that he meant no offense to the Jewish people. He simply couldn’t deal with the yarmulke anymore. “The Jews have those nice little knitted yarmulkes now,” Benedict said. “I would have killed for something like that. But no, I had to wear one of those giant ones that they give out at the bar mitzvahs.”

Mark Rubenstein, a spokesman for the Anti-Defamation league, said that the ADL had no problem with Benedict’s comments. “If I had to wear that monster yarmulke all day, I’d be upset too,” Rubenstein said.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do with the yarmulke after stepping down, Benedict shouted, “Look alive,” and threw it at the reporter’s face Frisbee style.