Fetus to Testify For ‘Heartbeat Bill’ in Ohio

USA Today reports that a fetus has been called to testify as a legislative witness in Columbus, Ohio on a bill that would outlaw abortions after the first heartbeat is detected.

Coined “The Heartbeat Bill,” (try opposing that!), Faith2Action’s founder Janet Porter is quite ‘psyched’ for the trial. “What if unborn babies could testify before a legislature? Today they will,” she writes on the anti-abortion group’s website. Miracle of miracles, at nine-weeks since conception, this organism is already being exploited for a cause it has no ability to have an opinion about. Porter is quite optimistic about the trial, writing; “It’s been a long time since pro-lifers had anything to dance about. But hold onto your dancing shoes.” Fatih2Action sure knows how to get down. Here is their groovy music video promoting the bill, with babies birthed and inutero making jerky movements to the beat. Those babies are so up to par on current abortion legislation, and one of them is for sure doing the Thriller dance.

While this trial may seem like a not-yet-formed brainer, it’s not the time to be cavalier about abortion rights. Pro-choice advocates should not write off the opposition simply because they are calling upon baby-bumps to testify. This is happening in Ohio. While the “Heartbeat Bill” is not being endorsed by Ohio Right to Life, Porter boasts that a third of the Ohio House has agreed to sponsor it.

While the fetus cannot yet form verbal thoughts, or breathe for that matter, Faith2Action has arranged for an in-court ultra-sound, whereby the court will see an image of the fetus, it’s heartbeat highlighted in color. Let us not doubt its ability to emotionally impact the jury from within its home of flesh. Any woman who has been pregnant, or for that matter any person who has met a pregnant woman, knows the ‘gravitas’ these three-quarter inch creatures can have. Their mere presence can cause full grown people to swoon, to stop everything and put their ear to a woman’s inflated belly, to stop drinking, or at least try.

In negotiations, silence is often the most profound form of communication. Have you all seen that 30 Rock where Alec Baldwin’s nanny asks for a raise while leisurely peeling a clementine and the sheer silence of her causes him to start bargaining against himself? If 30 Rock is our cultural touchstone, as it most definitively is, then it stands that the fast-paced heartbeat of this little-tyke-to-be may be enough to win the pro-lifers yet another gain towards complete ‘everyone’s gotta birth their baby’ domination. While this term may have nothing to do with actual pregnancy, I’m going to exploit it like an unborn child for its ‘pun–power’: Let us not underestimate the power of the ‘pregnant pause.’

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