New Music Review: Lady Gaga; ‘Born This Way’ (Part 2: The Hater) (MUSIC VIDEO)

Unlike the rest of the world, I have not been counting down the days until the release of Lady Gaga’s new album, Born This Way. In fact, I could really care less. I managed to avoid “Born This Way” the song until I was forced to listen to it while waiting on line in the grocery store, and had not heard “Judas” at all until I listened to it for this review. I have seen neither of the music videos, and I plan to keep it that way.

My aversion to Lady Gaga stems from having attended a liberal arts college that is 70% women and many percent gay men. At the time that “Poker Face” came out, I would classify my feelings toward Gaga as “like to love.” I listened to it hundreds of times while living in the library, writing end of term papers in a 3 song playlist that also included Soulja Boy’s “Kiss Me Thru the Phone,” and Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies.” However, sometime soon after the single was released, I was forced to listen to The Fame over and over and over again, against my will. I attribute this occurrence to having to many gay male friends. Gaga had suddenly become the soundtrack to every single party. People started wearing giant hair bows out in public. Friends posted inane Gaga lyrics as their Facebook statuses. I started getting annoyed. People were quoting “LoveGame” at me like it was some brilliant masterwork. I wondered why I was the only one who saw how incredibly stupid this all was.

READ: Complete Faster Born This Way Coverage:
-Born This Way in review: Part 1/Part 3
-Lady Gaga: The Self Fucked-Up Artist
-Lady Gaga, You’re Doing It Wrong
-Glee Recap: Season 2, Episode 18 “Born This Way”

In February of last year, I had a brief fling with the song “Telephone” off Lady Gaga’s sophomore album “The Fame Monster.” I was able to overlook my hatred of Gaga for just a few minutes to witness the glory of Beyoncé in crazy jumpsuits. I remember waiting for the video to premiere with a Gaga-worshipping friend, loving the Beyoncé parts, but mostly thinking Gaga needed to eat a sandwich and put on some clothes. The video made me hate the song, and my brief interest in “The Fame Monster” as a whole was officially over. “Alejandro” got stuck in my head a lot, and I moderately enjoyed it at first, but after a few weeks of hearing it on the radio constantly (at 6 am no less), I wished it had never been written.

Last week I volunteered to write this review, and I am confident that it was one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life. Usually when I review an album, I listen to it at least three times before I start writing. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do that with “Born This Way.” Within the first 30 seconds of “Marry The Night,” I was considering slamming my computer against the wall so I wouldn’t have to hear the rest of this godforsaken album. And with that, let’s go to the track-by-track review.

Track 1: “Marry the Night”

Catchy, I’ll admit. But why is Gaga going to marry the night? Is that even possible? The rest of the lyrics are not really explaining why she wants to do this. I almost feel like I am listening to a techno version of “Out Tonight” from Rent. And I really don’t feel good about it. I forgot how much I hate Lady Gaga’s lyrics. This is going to be awful. Why did I volunteer to do this?

Track 2: “Born This Way”

I really want to hate “Born This Way.” However, I don’t know how long I can hold out on this one. As a gay, it’s particularly hard to resist. I hate the racist lyrics in the bridge (are we really still calling people “Orient?”), but as a gay seriously? I was born this way. And Gaga understands, and wants the world to know. And set it all to an infectious beat that I can’t resist. How can you not dance to this? And how can any queer not appreciate a shout out to all your transgender friends? I wanna hate this so badly. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out on it. It’s on my computer now. I’m worried.

Track 3: “Government Hooker”

WHY OH GOD. I don’t need Gaga caterwauling in my ear, telling me she’s gonna drink her tears and cry. This song is abysmal. If I were going to be put in solitary confinement and forced to listen to this song on repeat for the rest of my life, I don’t think I could even get through three listens of this song. The weirdly discordant sound and moany screams remind me of Britney’s “Toxic.” But there’s one difference: I actually like that song. This song makes me want to rip my eyes out and permanently deafen myself so I don’t have to listen to music ever again. Not to mention the fact that “government hooker” is an incredibly OBNOXIOUS metaphor. Ugh.

Track 4: “Judas”

Starting out with all the reasons I hate Lady Gaga. She makes all those weird little stuttery noises that get stuck in your head forever and are not the mark of good music. Gaga sounds so nasally in this song that I wanna get her a decongestant. WHY ARE THERE 17 TRACKS ON THIS ALBUM? I ALREADY WANT TO DESTROY EVERY COPY OF THIS ALBUM THAT EXISTS. “Jesus is my virtue?” THIS SONG IS SO SO BAD. OH GOD.

Track 5: “Americano”

“I met a girl in East L.A. in FLORAL SHORTS?” What? Who IS Lady Gaga? Do people really listen to this by choice? I feel like Gaga is singing some sort of cult initiation song. I’m kind of into the idea of Gaga inhabiting a male voice in this song, or a lesbian one anyway, singing a creepy-as-hell love story to some American chick. Is this offensive to Italians? I am feeling so overwhelmed by how awful this is. I feel like I am listening to a low-rent version of ABBA’s “Chiquitita” right now. But that song is way better. ABBA gets stuck in your head and you hate yourself. This is Gaga’s ABBA. (Sorry ABBA fans, I do kind of like ABBA. You can’t deny the earworminess of all their songs though.) SERIOUSLY THE BRIDGE MAKES ME WANNA KILL MYSELF. This music is TORTURE.

Track 6: “Hair”

Why did this just start with saxophone elevator muzak? THIS IS AWFUL. WHO PRODUCED THIS ALBUM? “Because I want my friends to think I’m dynamite??” “I just wanna be myself and I want you to know I am my hair??” So is Gaga hair bows? I am not my hair guys. I promise. “I’m as free as my hair??” Someone take Gaga’s songwriting privileges away from her. Immediately. “I’m the spirit of my hair?” She just rhymed “hair” and “air.” I literally can’t even listen to the last minute of this song. It hurts too much.

Track 7: “Scheiße”

I am intrigued by Gaga speaking German. I can’t tell what she’s saying in the beginning, and that makes me like her more. “When I’m on a mission/I rebuke my condition?” Big words Gaga. Didn’t you go to NYU? I think you can write better lyrics than this. I could be into an all-German remix of this. But please leave out all English because Gaga sounds like an idiot. Why does she affect an English accent? We all know you’re a native New Yorker Gaga, you don’t have to hide it.

There’s a very small chance that I may listen to this song again, just for the German part. I don’t understand why Gaga needs to dance on a single prayer, or why that is even slightly relevant to the rest of the lyrics to this song. I am tempted to see what the German lyrics mean, but I have a feeling I REEEEALLY don’t wanna know.

Track 8: “Bloody Mary”

Oh lord, why am I only halfway through this album? This song is straight up boring. As far as I can tell, this song has something to do with Jesus, which is sort of weird. Is she not crying for Jesus? And message to Gaga, you can’t crucify something someone DOES. This is taking a metaphor too far. If you sped this song up 3 times, maybe it could be a fun dance song that’s vaguely religious, but as it stands, it’s just a really boring song that makes zero sense lyrically.

Track 9: “Black Jesus

Tags: artist, Bloody Mary, Born This Way, Facebook, I, L.A., Lady Gaga, NYU, Soulja Boy, The Fame Monster

Alexis Gordon is a music enthusiast and a future teacher.  Her inability to read music prevented her from being the genius musician that she always wanted to be.  She lives in New York City. ...read more

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