MMA Stars and Their Comic Boom Counterparts; We already know that Randy Couture is Captain America. But who is everybody else?

OK, I am not going to bullshit you. This post contains no intellectual value. There is no analysis. No prognostication. The internet is already like a backed up toilet in Grand Central Station, overflowing with big chunks of opinions and bad ideas.

I’d really rather just flush and be on my way.

Too be fair, this probably is a waste of space too, but at least it will be fun for me. I have been blogging sports for a while now, and to be honest, it has not always been that rewarding. I understand the unending need people seem to have for reading about Reggie and Kim and the general populace’s desire to masturbate to still images of Carrie Prejean’s nipple.

And believe me that happens a lot. I can see what people are looking at and  how long they look at it on the back end. This seems to be the money shot.

Of course, like any other writer, I do want attention. I think the natural inclination is to go SEO key word mad in an attempt to get as many readers as possible to their blog. But it is impossible to do quality work if that is your methodology. That will attract readers, but very few will come back.

There is also the old “contrarian” strategy, as offered by  John Steigerwald. The problem is, that in the end, we are all what we pretend to be. If you pretend to be a jackass online, you are a jackass in real life. Don’t get me wrong. I would love to make someone’s ‘Douche du Jour’ list, but I want it to be for my smarmy headshot. Not because I sold out to get hits. Not that I haven’t done that before. I just won’t be doing it again.

That is why I have decided to just post what is fun and interesting to me. So far it has been a success. I am still working on setting up that Mike Tyson and Paul Coelho lunch.

The reason for this long preamble is that I did not want to write a few fake paragraphs pretending like the world wants, needs or will ever even notice which MMA star I equate with what comic book character. I just did it because it was fun. And I plan on cultivating this list until every MMA star has been assigned a character.

If you love comics and MMA maybe you will get a kick out of it. If you don’t, and you still keep reading, well, don’t cry to me about losing five minutes of your certainly bad ass life. You were warned.

Brock Lesnar = Incredible Hulk

This one was just a no-brainer. What doesn’t Brock Lesnar have in common with the Incredible Hulk? Both men are prone to fits of rage. Both men are physical specimens way beyond the human norm. And both men used science to get there.

Bas Rutten = The Joker

Bas Rutten has the personality, the crazy eyes and the required ability to kill lots of people with random objects. He also has the jokes. Is there anyone on Youtube with more all caps “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA’s” under their videos? “Don’t you do this!”

Bas Rutten could definitely make you laugh while simultaneously disemboweling you with a ketchup bottle . No, he does not have hair like the Joker, but nothing says “crazy” like a green soul patch.

Anderson Silva = Spiderman

Duh.

Seth Petruzelli = Squirrel Girl

Seth Petruzeli and Squirrel Girl have a lot in common. Not a lot of people had heard of Petruzelli until he knocked out Kimbo Slice. Not a lot of people had heard of Squirrel Girl until she knocked out Dr. Doom. Granted, Kimbo Slice is no Dr. Doom. He’s the Red Hulk, but we’ll get to that another time. Petruzelli also occasionally enjoys wearing frilly girls’ clothes, so this one is a done deal.

Roy Nelson = The Blob

This one is pretty much self explanatory. The Blob is a second tier super villain with a pituitary problem. Roy Nelson is a second tier heavyweight with a southern biscuits and gravy problem. But that is not where the similarities end. Nelson is the only one on this list who actually shares the super powers of his comic book counterpart. Both can project a mono-directional gravity field extending five feet from his center of balance, rendering himself virtually immovable as long as he is touching the ground. Or maybe they’re both just fatasses. Either way, they both kick ass too. As long as the ass doesn’t belong to a first tier heavyweight.

Wesley “Cabbage” Correira = Hammerhead

Wesley “Cabbage” Correira has the hardest head in MMA. Nobody has taken more power shots in the history of the sport. Hammerhead was a low level ‘Maggia’ gunman when he was nearly beaten to death under a movie poster for The Al Capone Mob. His skull was shattered, but an underground surgeon of some sort put it back together with the requisite comic book improvements. The quack decided, “What the hell,  since I have a half dead gangster lying here on the operating table that I stole from my last job, I might as well give the old scalpel a kerchief wipe and get experimental up in this mug.” Hammerhead woke up with an enlarged and flattened steel plated skull that routinely stands up to a pounding from Spiderman. Nobody has ever taken a pounding in MMA like the legendary “Cabbage.” He also has the perfect physical presence to assume the old school Mafia persona that Hammerhead assumed after waking up from having his super head put together. So there are levels to this.