Shocker! Theo Epstein Admits Jonathan Papelbon Is “Not a Rhodes Scholar”

Now all my illusions are shattered.  Red Sox GM Theo Epstein has finally acknowledged that closer Jonathan Papelbon isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. What’s next – he’ll admit that Wally the Green Monster is just a man in a furry suit? Stop the madness!

When asked to explain why Papelbon expressed concern about reliever Billy Wagner being traded to the Red Sox, Epstein said:

“I think Pap feels like he was misunderstood,” general manager Theo Epstein said. “He’s not a Rhodes Scholar to begin with, obviously. When I talked to him directly about it, he couldn’t have been more excited about adding Billy Wagner, and actually went out of his way to, while we had the window to talk directly with Billy Wagner, to make sure Billy knew that he was more than welcome here, that Pap was, I think the way he phrased it was, ‘No one in this clubhouse wants him more than I do.’ ”

The thing is, Papelbon may have been too outspoken for Theo’s tastes, but he was actually kind of right in what he initially said, especially considering the Eric Gagne failure in 2007 (of course, the Sox won the World Series that  year, so it wasn’t that much of a failure!)

Get your popcorn ready, as Terrell Owens would say, because putting Papelbon and Wagner in the same bullpen is going to be interesting to watch. They are two high-maintenance southerners with the propensity to say dopey things. They’re also both high-maintenance relievers, too. Only, Papelbon is in the prime of his career, while Wagner is 38 and coming off Tommy John surgery.

So even if Papelbon did say Tuesday that Wagner “pitches with heart,” will Billy be all humble in the Sox bullpen now? It’s just not possible. He can only pitch one out of every three days right now. Yet he still insisted on having his agent Bean Stringfellow (best agent name ever!) negotiate the deal like Wagner was Mariano Rivera in his prime or something.

Let’s review – Wagner had the chance of wasting away in Flushing for the next five weeks, or having a very good shot of  pitching in the playoffs. And it still took  him all weekend and onwards to decide what to do. Sounds like he’s about as much of a Rhodes Scholar as Papelbon is.

And I wonder if Papelbon will have to hang up a “Know Your Place, Wags” sign in Wagner’s locker, the way Billy put up a “Know Your Place, Rook” sign in Lastings Milledge’s locker.

Of course, Papelbon, aka Cinco Ocho (or is that Cinco Dopo?) also has the propensity to run his mouth. Just this year, he:

* Told Miami radio hosts Andy and the Amigo that he preferred the All-Star game parties, especially the Playboy one, to meeting President Obama. “I enjoyed the parties more than the president,”  he said;

* Announced to Sirius/XM’s Jody McDonald that “of course” he would consider being a Yankee one day, saying, “I  have to do what’s best for me and play in an atmosphere where I’m wanted and play on a team where I’m wanted,”

* And griped about having to walk through the Fenway Park stands for the Sox’s Opening Day event, claiming it was unsafe. “I know the fans probably loved it,” he told Comcast SportsNet, “you do have to be safe, especially walking down the steps and stuff like that.” Cats and toddlers walk steps, but it’s a challenge for Papelbon. Then they asked Paps to walk and chew gum at the same time, and he was completely stumped.

Anyhow, for Papelbon’s sake, I hope that “Country Time” Wagner doesn’t try to steal the Dropkick Murphys’  “Shipping Up to Boston” as his theme song. It didn’t go too well in New York when Wagner insisted on using “Enter Sandman” as his song; although Wags did use it before Mariano Rivera did, many fans thought it was Mo’s tune.

Come to think of it, Papelbon earned the nickname of Papelbum when he said last year that he, not Rivera, should close that year’s All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium. Then he got booed by Yankee fans in the pre-game parade. So perhaps the two could bond over what happens when you go up against a  closer who knows how to let his pitching do the talking.

Photo by Rubenstein

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