All the President’s Hamburgers

Recently, the food staff at the Faster Times (or most of us, anyhow) decided that we should all meet up over a nice, long lunch and get to know one another.  Now, we being people of certain culinary aesthetics, philosophies, and discernment, you might wonder what cuisine we’d share as we, five ladies and a gentleman, gabbed about ourselves and each other, and, most importantly, about food.  Asian fusion?  Classic continental?  Molecular gastro-pub?  Playful, avant-garde food art?

Lord, no.  We wanted hamburgers, baby.

I’d like to say that the “burger is back,” but it never really went away.  What’s happened, for whatever reason, is that the we’re in the midst of something like a hamburger rennaissance, with every chef and his second cousin out to put their own spin on what serves unofficially as the national American dish.  I’ve sampled everything from 100% artisanal pork burgers to those with patties loaded with braised short ribs, foie gras and truffles (absurd overkill), others topped with caviar, eggs, pickled beets or fried pineapple, slathered with harissa mayonnaise, and served on every conceivable type of bread, from baguette to brioche to English muffin (a favorite of mine).  And on the other end of the spectrum, you have what I feel to be the real hamburger challenge for any cook, whether you’ve got Michelin stars or a propane grill in the back yard: Classic burger simplicity.

And this is what we got when we ordered, with resolute assuredness — to some surprise on behalf of our server — burgers all around.  Specifically, the outstanding grass-fed version at Brooklyn newcomer The General Greene.  It is, in the immortal words of one “Pulp Fiction”‘s Julius the hit-man, “a tasty burger,” which I feel is about the highest praise a hamburger can achieve.  Without getting too microscopic about the subject, we contemplated what made it so good: A solid 1:1 burger-to-patty ratio (you neither want superfluous bun nor meat), excellent seasoning, simple plating without too many frou frou additions or bizarre condiments, and, most importantly, top-quality meat cooked perfectly, either rare or medium rare, so that you can really taste it.  Which brings me to my next important point…

We need very badly to discuss the President of the United States.

President Obama has been in office for just over 150 days now, and I have witnessed footage not one, not twice, but three times in which the most powerful man in the world orders a hamburger.  The story that most media outlets picked up on initially was the POTUS’s choice of condiments.  During a lunch run with Vice President Biden to Ray’s Hell Burger, in Arlington, VA. — which you can view here – the President kindly asks if he could get “spicy mustard, or, like, Dijon,” for his hamburger, much to the chagrin and howling of right-wing pundits.  I’ll paraphrase them here: “The President wants fancy French mustard on his hamburger?  How effite!  An elitist, limousine liberal who can’t even order a regular hamburger without making it all European.  He’s not one of us!  He isn’t a real American!!!”  To which I will respond with a resounding: Horseshit.

Mr. Obama proudly hails from Chicago, you’ll remember, a place where, because of deep Polish roots, its citizens proudly slather their meat products in — you guessed it — spicy mustard.  In fact, you might be run out of town on a rail, or at least roundly ridiculed, if you attempted to order ketchup on your Chicago-style hot dog.  It comes down to this: ketchup is for little kids, mustard is for adults with some semblance of taste.  Not elitist, not effite; just grown-up stuff.  (Speaking of which, it was hilarious to see Brian Williams, in another widely covered Presidential burger outing — order his sandwich “plain, with ketchup.”  What are you, Bri-Wi…six?  What kind of grown man, much less an educated, thoughtful and experienced journalist, does this sort of thing?)  I’ll say it here and now, as proudly and unwavering as I can: I fully support the President of the United States on this critical issue of great national importance, and will gladly take on any comers in a debate thereof.  Bring it, chumps.

[A cheeseburger from Five Guys, a noted favorite of Michelle Obama as well as the President, who unexpectedly popped into one of their D.C. locations on May 29th, 2009.]

But sadly, my praise for the Presidential burger stops there.  On the three occasions that we’ve witnessed President Obama ordering a hamburger, he’s always called for it to be cooked, get this…medium-well.  Really, Mr. President?  Really?  Medium-well?  I absolutely can’t believe that the media not only failed to address this in their unintentionally absurd and hilarious coverage of Obama’s burger preferences, but that it didn’t seem to register any disquietude whatsoever.  For any proud, meat-loving American, this should be a cause for grave concern.  Okay, one might argue that the President’s affinity for overcooked meat has something to do with him being cautious about his health; after all, the USDA’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) recommends that we not only cook ground beef to an internal temperature of 160˚F to ensure the death of any nasty bacteria — easily resulting in a medium-well patty — but also that we employ a meat thermometer to make doubly sure this is the case.  Better safe than sorry, when you’re talking about E.coli, right?  And that argument might hold weight if we were only talking about the President unexpectedly popping into a fast food joint, where the food safety protocols and implementation are unknown.  Fair enough.  The big, sad problem, unfortunately, is that Mr. Obama asked for a medium-well burger on his innagural flight upon Air Force One.  Food quality concerns might be justified as reasonable at Five Guys…but if you have to worry about the kitchen and staff aboard the official Presidential airplane, we can probably go ahead and consider our country totally screwed.

So I implore you, Mister President, despite your personal tastes or ingrained hamburger ordering habits, whatever the reason: order your burger medium-rare.  I know the bacteria risks, yadda yadda, but I really want to taste the meat on my hamburger, and that’s just not going to happen if it’s cooked to death.  Especially if the ingredients are “green.”  And if we’re talking about grass-fed, pastured, sustainable meat, you can even go ahead and order it full-on rare.  I do, and it makes me that much happier and more appreciative of where my food is coming from, not to mention that it results in a soul-warmingly delicious meal.

Please, President Obama.  If not for the sake of all red-blooded American carnivores under your leadership, do it for yourself.  Together, we can enjoy our medium-rare burgers in pride, harmony and peace.

Yes, we can!