How to Spend Valentine’s Day with Kanye West

Valentine’s Day is approaching, and this year you are in love. A day devoted to your loving, cherubs everywhere. You and Kanye have been official for what– 2 months? God, it doesn’t even matter! When you two are spontaneously grinding in his spice pantry, time is irrelevant. You swear to God. Time is the third wheel. Oh! the way he clutched you over hotel balcony– he turned from the Spanish Riviera to you. He whispered, “You’re tall for a nice bitch.”

Of course, it’s not perfect. He still can’t ejaculate in America. And you do love piloting his zeppelin, watching him smoke and Bing himself. But is this going too fast? Jesus, he let you into his creative process: he takes notes while you play Twister by yourself in a ballroom. Isn’t that a little intimate? You don’t know. It’s only been 52 days. He dated Amber for 3 months before they went to church.

You two will make it 3 months. You’ll make it an eternity. He’s confident, he’s Shakespearean, his stomach’s not that weird. Maybe everything is fine.The nightclubs, the foursomes with Evanescence–it’s all a dream. But you just want to chill with him.

So on February 14th, you’re making your move. Snuggling with Kanye. Eye contact, laughing–eating way too many goldfish! Finally. A chance to take things slow, as slow as his rapping.

This is how you do it. You need to hang up your outfit immediately, after reading this. Iron your Garfield sweatpants, and look for an extra large tee shirt with lots of spirals. You are gorgeous, everyone’s gorgeous, but not today. Yes, you kind of like your new hairdo–you weren’t going to attend his Bald Party with hair. But rummage his trash and find a sweaty wig from one of his old videos: Hey Mama copper, perhaps, or carrot red from Jesus Walks.

Now it’s time to organize the Valentine’s Day duffel bag. You’re going to have to wake up early, maybe shower, and drive to his place, so pack ahead to save precious love time. Remember the Intimacy products he doesn’t have at his place. Sure-fire love-tools include Mad Libs, platinum grill cleaner, and Katherine Hiegl DVDs. Only the good ones–no guilty pleasures!

Ring the doorbell, and when he opens the door, smother him with farts. This is a day of comfort: about showing him who you are on a spiritual level. You can even tell him what you thought about Watch The Throne. (If he plays it, turn it off, and replace with Gregorian Monk chants.) “Happy Valentine’s Day, Yeezy!” you’ll exclaim, and he will catch your jump-hug in a lover’s surprise. He was getting ready for later, he’ll say with mammoth-bone tweezers in hand.

“I made reservations for underwater dinner,” he says. But you tell him what you want.

What do you want?

What would make you happy, happy for a while?

Slowing down.

Close the curtains, and put on your socks. Look at him in his glossy brown eyes. “Today is special,” you promise, “because we don’t have to act special. Let’s just have a blah day!”

He looks down, he bites his lip like a schoolboy. It’s a major test. Can love be exhilarating on the couch? Is love with Kanye West, love? You’re thinking to yourself. He looks up.

“27 Dresses.”

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