The Idiotic Tweet Solution: Self-Destructing Tweets

Stupid things people tweet and a way to make them disappear

Sometimes I make really bad Twitter decisions. You probably do too. A thought will pass aimlessly through my mind. I’ll grab on to it, toy with it, laugh to myself, then post it on the Internet. Not too bad, I think. Later (usually about five minutes later) I’ll look at my Twitter feed and realize I’m a total idiot. Examples are below.

The narcissistic tweet: “ #ThingsIveRealized, I’m pretty much the smartest, best looking guy I know.” I’m paraphrasing but I’ve basically said something exactly like this before. No idea why. I probably meant it as a joke. Okay, maybe I was being serious.

The moronically poetic tweet: “The soft rain makes my heart still, dreaming about a lover I once had.” What am I, the PG version of @CourtneyStodden? Fuck my life.

The indisputably lame and unfunny tweet: “LessExcitingBandNames: Daft Alternative.” There’s no way to calculate why one variation of a certain band name is funnier than another. It’s just that some things, inexplicably, don’t end up being funny. This is one of them.

The grammatically incorrect tweet: “At The Black Keys concert. There awesome.” There’s nothing I can say about this.

The factually incorrect or ill informed tweet: “RIP Patrick Wilson. Really loved Insidious.” (Confusing “Patrick Wilson” with the late comedian “Patrice O’Neal”). Maybe more familiar: “RIP Steve Jobs. I’ll always be loyal to Starbucks.” When this happens just give up. There’s no hope for you.

The gross and inappropriate tweet: “Great night with @___________. We went wild on each other!” It’s certainly tempting to expose your crazy sexual life to everybody on the Internet. I’ve definitely wanted to do this (maybe I have once or twice). But word to the wise: NOBODY CARES.

Twitter’s mantra is, “Always wondering what’s happening.” Clever line, but totally not true. There are some things about me you don’t want to know. It’s not that I’m exceptionally weird. Unless I’m deluding myself, have terribly miscalculated, am alone and batshit crazy, the truth is that we’re all really, really weird. Bizarre and deranged thoughts pass through our heads all the time. It’s okay because we know they’ll fade away just as quickly.

The problem is our tweets don’t go away. Here’s my solution. Twitter needs to integrate a function that allows you to choose how long you want your tweets to exist. After that amount of time, your tweets will self-destruct. This is kind of like scheduling your tweets, but scheduling them to die.

With this function, any time you have one of those questionable thoughts, tweet away! In an interval of time that you choose (fifteen minutes, half hour, hour) your tweet will vanish from the Twittersphere just like it vanished from your mind.

This would also be a great social media promotional tool. Companies could tweet special offers that only active users would catch and benefit from. Artists could tweet the location of a secret show or the link to download a new album before the actual release date. Besides saving you and I from looking stupid, the opportunities provided by self-destructing tweets are boundless. Twitter, do the right thing.

Follow Kyle Kouri on Twitter @KyleKouri