Lady Gaga and her Miracle Whip

Lady Gaga’s Telephone video premiered last Thursday and people have yet to shut up about it. Its ten minutes have something to polarize everyone: rampant product placement, Beyoncé’s acting*, Chanel, thongs, 1980s Japanese thrash references, family cameos, girl-on-girl action, improper use of police tape, smoking glasses (literally), desecration of the American Flag (kind of), and the Pussy Wagon of Kill Bill fame. The product placement, especially the plugs for Polaroid, where Gaga is a creative director, and Virgin Mobile, have received the most attention-cum-vitriol.

As for moi? My focus is on lunch, so let’s talk “Let’s Make a Sandwich”. In this scene, Gaga and her fey dance crew bond slices of Wonder Bread together with squirts of Miracle Whip, opting to use the baguettes as phallic dance props. A natural choice. While Wonder Bread was part of Ms. Gaga’s vision, Miracle Whip paid for its appearance.

Miracle Whip has been working hard to lure the ‘hipster dollar’ and with lackluster results. Its recent campaign has been widely mocked and peaked with the Mayo-Miracle showdown on the Colbert Report last fall. Did they really think “That’s so mayo” would succeed as a catch phrase? The Zingr browser plug-in that was developed for Kraft Foods has failed to ‘go viral’ and the people that elect to engage with Miracle Whip on Facebook aren’t always nice. Miracle Whip encourages fans to ‘learn the language of Zinglish’ and to suggest new Zinglish on the page. One suggestion: “Zingleberries – What hangs off your ass after you eat Miracle Whip.”

Most recently, Steve Simpson at Adweek took aim in his “Revolution Diary”, which lampoons the radicalism sold by mainstream companies. He quotes the Miracle Whip mantra:

Don’t go unnoticed. Don’t blend in. Don’t be ordinary, boring or bland. In other words, don’t be so mayo. We are our own unique one of a kind flavor. We are Miracle Whip and we will not tone it down.

Only Gaga could take a product as white bread as Miracle Whip and infuse it with the masochism and kink I had never imagined the brand name could imply. For Kraft Foods, this was likely money well spent.

Jezebel and the Guardian were quick to question the effectiveness of these placements. Lady Gaga might get me to consider putting a bow in my hair, but to change my sandwich preferences? I am interested to see what happens with product sales. Mayonnaise is the status quo. Accordingly, the condiment is neither cool nor celebrated, yet people buy it regularly for sandwiches and ‘salads’. Made fresh, it is a revelation. Miracle Whip commercials sell a life without mayo as a multicultural rooftop party. I beg to differ. Even as Telephone promises to boost its visibility, the spread will never be hip and with good reason: it tastes like Miracle Whip.

* For what it’s worth, I think B does a nice job in Cadillac Records