For the number of times Philadelphia Eagles fans saw the back of Nnamdi Asomugha’s jersey chasing a wide receiver heading to the endzone, it follows that they would at least remember how to spell his last name. A recent poll of Eagles season ticket holders, however, suggests many claim to have been too drunk the past two years to remember the high-profile cornerback much at all. In a recent survey, 88% of season ticket holders failed to spell Nnamdi Asomugha correctly, with 70% citing excessive intoxication as the cause, and the remaining 18% listing “Go fuck yourself” as the primary reason.

“Somewhere along the line, we stopped paying attention to the games and just buckled down on getting hammered and destroying our kids’ self esteem,” explained 12-year season ticket holder Mitch McDougle.

McDougle went on to say that he didn’t even make it inside for the Redskins game Week 16, after an incident where he encountered a young child in a Robert Griffin III Redskins jersey and “showed him who’s boss.”

Bobby DelVechio, a local bartender, described the Eagles’ struggles as “good for business” as fans have turned enthusiastically to alcoholism during the Michael Vick era. He only hopes that new coach Chip Kelly can deliver a similar level of cruel mediocrity to the franchise.

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One day after celebrating a San Francisco 49ers touchdown by dropping to the grass, bending his body into a pretzel, and fellating himself, quarterback Colin Kaepernick apologized to his fans. “It’s clear that I went too far with my celebration,” Kaepernick said. “I just got lost in the excitement of my own magnificence.”

The move, already dubbed “KaeperDicking,” is quickly becoming a social media sensation, with tens of thousands of adoring fans posting their own self-fellatio shots on Facebook and Instagram.

“There’s simply no place in our league for players who suck themselves off,” said an NFL spokesman Daryl Elkins, who acknowledged that there is no actual rule against the practice.

Kaepernick, who has been fined $35,000 by the NFL, said that he also plans to donate money to a charity that helps teens who aren’t flexible enough to pleasure themselves.

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Sunday 1 PM: Pregame Shows

Three are injured on the set of ESPN Countdown when Keyshawn Johnson violates Chris Berman’s no sombrero rule, turmoil ensues and the set collapses. Kurt Menafee and James Brown switch spots on the CBS and Fox pregame shows; no one notices.

ESPN Countdown relocates to the set of First Take; the picks segment is interrupted when a drunk and blubbering Skip Bayless crawls from under the desk clutching a Tim Tebow blowup doll. Bayless locks eyes with Kurt Warner, and romance ensues.

Terry Bradshaw refuses to stop showing his testicles to Michael Strahan under the Fox desk, leading to an awkward segment on the Fox Studio field in which Strahan must take snaps from Bradshaw, but Bradshaw keeps meowing. Fox experiments with ultra-HD broadcasting on the Armed Forces Network. Half of the 215th division in Afghanistan goes blind from Jimmy Johnson’s tan.

Sunday 3 PM: 49ers @ Falcons

Joe Buck stares into Troy Aikman’s soul during their opening monologue. Falcons Coach Mike Smith burns two early timeouts while contemplating whether to call heads or tails. Following his 48th tearful viewing of Any Given Sunday in as many days, Alex Smith officially changes the name on his back of his jersey to ‘Cap’ Rooney, and attempts to make out with General Manager Tom Dimitroff, mistaking him for a mature Cameron Diaz.

Colin Kaepernick flexes his tattooed muscles following a 56-yard scamper; Buck decries “such a supple, disgusting display…reminiscent of the HBO show Oz.” Overwhelmed by the crowd noise in the Georgia Dome, Kaepernick calls 8 straight Hail Marys and is immediately fined $50,000 by Commissioner Goodell for blatantly and dishonestly stealing his super secret Madden strategy.

In a back and forth thrill ride, the 49ers edge the Falcons, 27-24.

Sunday 6:30 PM: Ravens @ Patriots

In an effort to top his Wildcard round pre-game dance to Nelly’s Hot In Here, Ray Lewis grinds with frightened practice squader Nigel Carr to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back. Three young journalists on site are hospitalized for bar mitzah flashbacks.

Jim Nantz wonders aloud on air whether his uncontrollable excitement every time Brady completes a pass to Welker/Edelman makes him racist—or maybe gay? The Patriots hold onto an early lead and suffocate the Ravens offense, but are grossly outgained in Inspirational Yelling. With a 9-point lead late in the 4th, Bill Belichick releases the members of John Harbaugh’s family that he’d taken hostage, except for 6-year-old Alison, “just in case Uncle Jim likes that little brat.”

The Patriots prevail, 36-27.

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Though his overall confidence has been boosted by a recent string of clutch playoff performances, Ravens QB Joe Flacco is still disturbed by the fact that the iPhone’s autocorrect keeps changing his name to Flaccid.

“After the Broncos game, I got hundreds of texts that were like, ‘Way to go, Flaccid!’ ” Flacco recalled with a sad laugh. “I mean, I just beat Peyton Manning in a shootout in Mile High…It’s not right.”

Though Flacco instantly received hundreds of additional texts apologizing for the Autocorrect mistake, “the damage was already done,” said Flacco.

When pressed for more details, Flacco mumbled something about “victory sex” and “this never happening before, not since the Steelers game,” and abruptly storming out of the media room.

When reached for comment about Flaccid Flacco’s autocorrect controversy, Patriots Coach Bill Belichick responded, “His name autocorrects to Flaccid? I’m gonna tell Wilfork to use that.”

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Football fans everywhere continue to be confused by the increasingly dark comments from New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

In the latest in a string of remarks that have unsettled the sports world, Brady told ESPN sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya that he had failed to avoid a sack simply because he could see no reason to do so.

“So they don’t get me this time, or the next time. Eventually, they will. And, either way, the result will be the same,” Brady told a seemingly perplexed Tafoya. “Escape the pocket? There is no escape from the pocket.”

Asked by Tafoya to clarify his remarks, the quarterback shook his head. “We’re all going to die, Michelle,” Brady said. “The real question is whether we can find any meaning in this absurd charade before the darkness settles in.”

“I gotta say, it’s getting pretty weird,” said teammate Rob Gronkowski. “The other day I caught him reading this weird book in the locker room. I asked him what was up, and he’s like, ‘Dude, I’m reading Sat Ray’ — or something like that. It looked like he was reading it in French.” Added Gronkowski, “Which I guess might explain the beret he was wearing.”

Brady declined to comment directly for this article. A statement released by his agent said that the quarterback will no longer be speaking to reporters but that he will address all questions about his state of mind in a forthcoming collection of radical poems entitled “End-less-Zone.”

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1. LSU TIGERS (6-0) – Despite many believing that LSU would beat Florida, I’m sure many didn’t predict the 30-point differential; the final score was a whopping 41-11. LSU looks like every bit of a national championship team so far this season, especially after this victory. Next up, they play the Tennessee Vols in a game that they should win.

2. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (6-0) – To no one’s surprise, the Vanderbilt Commodores were no match for Alabama. The Tide will face the Ole Miss Rebels in another SEC game on the 15th. It’s beginning to look more and more like the National Champion will be whoever wins the SEC title.

3. WISCONSIN BADGERS (5-0) – The Badgers had a bi-week this past weekend, getting a little rest after routing Nebraska. They play another Big Ten game this weekend against the Indiana Hoosiers.

4. OKLAHOMA SOONERS (5-0) – If this past weekend’s game between Oklahoma and Texas was the last Red River Rivalry, let it be said that the Sooners got the last laugh, with a 55-17 beat down of the Longhorns. They look to move to a 6-0 record against the Kansas Jayhawks this weekend.

5. STANFORD CARDINAL (5-0) – The Cardinal had another big night this weekend, this time against the Colorado Buffs in a 48-7 Andrew Luck style-fest. They play the Washington State Cougars next.

6. BOISE STATE BRONCOS (5-0) – The Broncos are at that time in their schedule that critics love to mock. Nonetheless, Boise State smashed Fresno State 57-7 with ease and improved their record to 5-0. They face the Rams of Colorado State next.

7. CLEMSON TIGERS (6-0) – The Tigers handled the Boston College Eagles, 36-14, and now have their sights set on the Maryland Terrapins. Clemson is on a roll and can possibly content for a national championship if they stay focused and healthy.

8. OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS (5-0) – Oklahoma State can light it up! They might have more firepower than the Sooners. The Cowboys beat Kansas by a margin of 70-28 and plan on doing the same thing to the Texas Longhorns. I hope Mack Brown is ready for a shootout at home.

9. OREGON DUCKS (4-1) – Nike’s favorite university got an impressive win over the Golden Bears of California, 43-15. Next they face Brock Osweiler and the Arizona State Sun Devils.

10. MICHIGAN WOLVERINES (5-0) – Michigan showed defensive growth in their 42-24 win against Northwestern, but Denard Robinson needs to improve as a passer if they plan on contesting Illinois and Wisconsin for the Big Ten crown. They play against their in-state rivals Michigan State next.

11. ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS (5-1) – The Razorbacks dominated Gene Chizik’s Tigers, 38-14. They now have a bi-week before playing Ole Miss.

12. ILLINOIS FIGHTIN’ ILLINI (6-0) – Illinois played a solid game and managed a 41-20 win over Indiana. They will have to fight to stay undefeated against the Ohio State Buckeyes in another Big Ten rivalry game.

13. GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS (6-0) – GT beat Maryland in a close 21-16 victory. They take a trip up to the commonwealth of Virginia to play the Cavaliers of UVA next.

14. SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCKS (5-1) – Steve Spurrier and company established that they are playing with a chip on their shoulder, as they demolished Kentucky 54-3 and sent them to drown their sorrows in pints of bourbon. They look to hand a similar defeat to the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

15. WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINEERS (5-1) – West Virginia landed a 43-16 win over UConn, but who didn’t expect that? There is a good chance that the results will be the same for WVU against Syracuse this weekend.

16. NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS (5-1) – Pulled out a close 34-27 win over the Ohio State Buckeyes to get back on the winning track. They will play the troubled Minnesota Gophers this weekend in what will most likely be a walk in the park.

17. ARIZONA STATE SUN DEVILS (5-1) – ASU beat Utah 35-14 and now have a week to prepare for the test of their season, OREGON! This will be one of the must-watch games of the weekend.

18. VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES (5-1) – The Hokies got a major confidence booster after their 38-35 win over the Miami Hurricanes. Now they have to take on the Wake Forest Demon Deacons fresh off of a big win against Florida State.

19. HOUSTON COUGARS (6-0) – We didn’t expect Houston to crush ECU 56-3, but it happened and the Cougars are a stunning 6-0. We’ll see how they play against Marshall this weekend.

20. PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS (5-1) – They landed a 13-3 win over the Iowa Hawkeyes and only have one loss. They go deeper into Big Ten competition against the Purdue Boilermakers this weekend.

21. MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS (4-1) – The Spartans line up against their arch-nemesis Michigan Wolverines this week. Always a tough fight.

22. BAYLOR BEARS (4-1) – They beat Iowa State 49-26 and will now try to stifle the powerful run attack of Texas A&M in a Big 12/Big Texas match-up.

23. SOUTH FLORIDA BULLS (4-1) – The Bulls are still contending for a Big East championship and would improve their chances with a win against UConn this weekend.

24. USC TROJANS (4-1) – The Trojans go head-to-head with UCal this weekend after a bi-week.

25. TEXAS LONGHORNS (4-1) – They lost by almost 40 points to the Oklahoma Sooners (55-17). While they have a chance to bounce back against Oklahoma State, it won’t be easy, especially considering with Cowboys’ coming off of a monumental win against Kansas.

[Picture from Wikimedia Commons]

The post TFT Top 25: Few Upsets, Yet Many Impressive Victories appeared first on The Faster Times.

Hank Williams, Jr. compared President Obama to Hitler, and now his song will no longer be played during ESPN Monday Night Football.

ESPN’s Monday Night Football recently announced that Hank Williams, Jr.’s famous MNF theme song “All My Rowdy Friends,” which has been a part of MNF since 1989, will no longer be played during games.

The announcement came after Williams made a controversial comment on “Fox & Friends” that connected Adolf Hitler and President Obama. He claimed that a gathering between the President and House speaker John Boehner was like “Hitler playing golf with [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu.”

When asked to clarify, Williams said that President Obama and Vice-President Biden were “the enemy.” Due to his comments, ESPN pulled Williams from the opening of the Oct. 3rd Monday night game. After that cancellation, it is unclear who made the final decision to permanently sever ties between the song and MNF. ESPN stated that “We have decided to part ways with Hank Williams Jr.” while Hank Williams, Jr. told the Associated Press in a statement that “I have made MY decision…By pulling my opening Oct 3rd, You (ESPN) stepped on the Toes of The First Amendment Freedom of Speech, so therefore Me, My Song, and All My Rowdy Friends are OUT OF HERE. It’s been a great run.”

Williams has won a Grammy and various other awards under his genre of country music. Now if only he could get his capitalization issues in line, perhaps he could earn a gold star in English class.

[Photo from Wikimedia Commons]

The post Monday Night Football Theme Song Discontinued Amid Controversy appeared first on The Faster Times.

The season so far has been unpredictable and poetic. Who knew football could be so poignant?

This past weekend in college football was what many fans were waiting for. Nebraska learned that the Big Ten isn’t the Big 12, Virginia Tech learned that speed can only get you but so far, Boise State avenged their biggest loss of last season, and Clemson sent the country a message for the second straight week. We still have a lot of season to go, but so far it has been unpredictable and poetic – which is just how we like it.

1. LSU TIGERS (5-0) – Quarterback Jordan Jefferson made a successful return to LSU with a 35-7 pimp slapping of the Kentucky Wildcats. They can’t get happy yet though, because they are getting ready to play a Florida Gators team thirsty for a win.

2. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE (5-0) – The Tide manhandled the Florida Gators in a 38-10 gator grilling down in the swamp. They have what seems to be an easier match this weekend with the Vanderbilt Commodores.

3. WISCONSIN BADGERS (5-0) – The Badgers gave Nebraska a royal welcome to the Big Ten with a 48-17 butt kicking. Husker coach Bo Pelini said he was embarrassed by the beating. The Badgers play the Hoosiers of Indiana on October 15th.

4. OKLAHOMA SOONERS (4-0) – The Sooners unsurprisingly smashed Ball State 62-6. They play the Texas Longhorns next, in what might be one of their last conference meetings.

5. STANFORD CARDINALS (4-0) – The Cardinals absolutely crushed UCLA 45-19. Need we say anymore??? They play the Colorado Buffaloes this Saturday, October 8th.

6. BOISE STATE BRONCOS (4-0) – The Broncos exacted revenge on Nevada with a convincing 30-10 win. Last season, Nevada beat the Broncos and knocked them out of National Championship contention. Boise has to play Fresno State next.

7. CLEMSON TIGERS (5-0) – The SEC landed another victory over its cousin, the ACC, with the Clemson Tigers smacking Virginia Tech in the mouth 23-3. Next up is Boston College.

8. OKLAHOMA STATE COWBOYS (4-0) – The Cowboys are still undefeated and looking for win number five against the Jayhawks of Kansas. It shouldn’t be that hard.

9. OREGON DUCKS (3-1) – The Ducks have won three straight games since a nail-biter loss against LSU in week one. Oregon has UCal next up in another Pac 12 war.

10. MICHIGAN WOLVERINES (5-0) – Most unbiased college football fans don’t want to buy into the Wolverines yet because of the midseason let downs they’ve seen them have in the past, but they are really improving. Against Minnesota, they didn’t rely solely on the running ability of Denard Robinson. They actually spread the running responsibilities among three able halfbacks. The Big Ten is still looking like at Badger domination, but the Wolverines might shake things up. Next up is Dan Persa and Northwestern.

11. TEXAS LONGHORNS (4-0) – The Longhorns beat a very solid Iowa State club to net their fourth win. Next up is a road block called the OKLAHOMA SOONERS. A win could spawn a top 10 ranking.

12. GEORGIA TECH YELLOWJACKETS (5-0) – The Yellow Jackets pulled off a nice win over NC State and are 5-0. They play the ugly uniforms of the Maryland Terrapins this weekend in a major ACC game.

13. ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS (4-1) – The Razorbacks showed perseverance in their close win over Texas A&M, and their only loss is to a top 3 team. Unfortunately for Arkansas, it never gets easier in the SEC as they prepare to play the defending National Champions, the Auburn Tigers.

14. AUBURN TIGERS (4-1) – They showed poise in winning against the loaded South Carolina Gamecocks (16-13). Now they will have to put the breaks to the Arkansas running arsenal in an unpredictable SEC clash.

15. ILLINOIS FIGHTING ILLINI (5-0) – The Fighting Illini beat Northwestern (38-35), and they will face the Indiana Hoosiers this weekend.

16. KANSAS STATE WILDCATS (4-0) – The Wildcats beat Baylor 36-35, and they play Missouri on Saturday.

17. WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINEERS (4-1) – The Mountaineers stomped Bowling Green 55-10, but who didn’t expect it? Next up is UConn.

18. HOUSTON COUGARS (5-0) – The Cougars have had a strong season so far and most recently defeated the Miners of UTEP 49-42. Next up, they play the ECU Pirates, and anybody that knows ECU knows that they lie down for no one.

19. MICHIGAN STATE SPARTANS (4-1) – The Spartans got a good conference win over the Buckeyes of Ohio State this past weekend (10-7). Their next game will be against in-state rival Michigan, in a game that might go from bad to ugly in the blink of an eye.

20. FLORIDA GATOR (4-1) – The Gators took a tough loss to Alabama this past weekend, but it doesn’t get any better because this weekend they line up against TFT #1 ranked LSU! Ouch!

21. SOUTH CAROLINA GAMECOCK (4-1) – They lost to the Auburn Tigers 16-13 but are looking to bounce back against Kentucky this weekend.

22. ARIZONA STATE SUNDEVILS (4-1) – Beat Oregon State 35-20 and stand at 4-1 right now. They will be tested this weekend against the Utah Utes.

23. VIRGINIA TECH HOKIES (4-1) – Tech was flat-out handled by Clemson this past weekend. The bright side is that Clemson is a grade A team and the Hokies are very young across the board. They play the Miami Hurricanes next in a winnable yet losable game.

24. BAYLOR BEARS (3-1) – Took a heartbreaking loss to the K-State Wildcats. They have a tough game against Iowa State this weekend.

25. NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS (4-1) – Bo Pelini described the feeling best after their Big Ten opener: “I’m embarrassed.” Nebraska has lots of weapons but must face the same issues that all option teams face – predictability. Nebraska will have a slightly easier game this week against Ohio State University.

[Photo from Wikimedia Commons]

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The post NCAA Top 25 Rankings: Clemson and Wisconsin climbing steadily appeared first on The Faster Times.

A concussion is a traumatic brain injury that alters the way the brain works. Similarly, a broken rib diminishes a player’s ability to move and breath. Both Romo and Vick are likely to play this weekend; both have their work cut out for them.

Vick’s opponent, the New York Giants, are looking to avenge their demoralizing loss to the Eagles, which lost them their wildcard bid for the playoffs. Various NY Giants defenders have voiced their desire to play against Michael Vick, fired up at a chance to “bust the Eagles up”.

Romo’s opponent, the Washington Redskins, hate the Cowboys and take great pride in defeating and injuring Dallas players. All star defensive back De’angelo Hall already said that he will be begging coach Shanahan for opportunities to go for Romo’s weakened ribs.

So early in the season, with the looming threat of injury, perhaps it would be wiser to sit both quarterbacks out and give them a little rest–even a week would help. If Romo’s ribs sustain any more damage, the Cowboys will be stuck with substitutes Kitna and Mcgee, who, though both did a good job of filling in for Romo last year, simply don’t match his skill and ability. In regards to Vick, Eagles coaches should be reminded of Cowboy’s quarterback Troy Aikman, who was forced to retire after having to too many concussions.

Without a doubt, we can expect some complex blitz packages from both the Giants and Redskins. The NFC East is a brutal conference built on strong rivalries. How will these two injured quarterbacks fair against powerhouse defenses with a thirst for blood? I guess we’ll see.

More from Faster Sports:

Bill Belichick NFL Coach of the Year: Can Anyone Stop This Evil Genius?

Bengals Wide Receiver Busted with Almost 9 lbs of Weed

The post Romo and Vick: Recovered Enough to Play? appeared first on The Faster Times.

When authorities investigated his home, they found 6 more pounds of marijuana, scales, packaging materials, and smoking devices. Police described the house as resembling a marijuana distribution network. One of Simpson’s teammates, offensive lineman Anthony Collins, was also in the house during the bust. Neither of the players answered the door to accept the package. Instead, the package was accepted by a 27 year old female named Aleen Smith.

It makes no sense for anybody living on an NFL salary to resort to the distribution of drugs. Amazingly, both players were detained but they weren’t arrested. If they get off with merely a slap on the wrist for this, the NFL should and will take action.

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