NFL Spread Picks Week 10: Seneca Wallace, Casey Keeenum-Sanity, And Other Love Stories
PACKERS (+1) over Eagles
In Madden 2003, 2004 and 2005, Seneca Wallace was one of the most enjoyable quarterbacks to play, thanks to speed and acceleration ratings in the mid-to-upper 80s.Of course, you could always play as Michael Vick if you wanted to play as a fast quarterback, but he was almost too good. Seneca’s incredible running ability, however, was nicely offset by his terrible throws.
With Vick, you felt like you were playing with a magical alien cast down on the gridiron. With Seneca, it still felt realistic. You’d scramble for 25 yards, but then you’d try to throw a deep out and it’d end up intercepted by the middle linebacker. But I won with Seneca night after night, and developed a deep affection for him via his virtual avatar.
I eventually channeled my obsession with Madden into an obsession with sports gambling. I haven’t been able to help but bet on Seneca during the 50-plus games he’s inexplicably been allowed to play quarterback in the NFL. (He’s also played wide receiver at times.) This has not gone well.
Still, I can’t help but believe in Seneca Wallace, now 33-years-old, as he attempts to replace Aaron Rodgers. When a journeyman quarterback sends your heart aflutter, you can’t fight it.
Dolphins (-1) over BUCCANEERS
It’s inherently difficult to choose anything Tampa Bay over anything Miami.
Miami is an awesome city—a bright, bizarre place where everyone walks fantasizing that they’re in a music video. Right now, the good people of Miami are blessed with a prime opportunity to make the playoffs and get slaughtered by the Patriots in the first round. Jon Gruden can’t wait to call Ryan Tan-eee-hill a playoff-caliber quarterback.
If the Dolphins can’t win here, they’re probably dead. Seven of their last nine games are against teams with a winning record. It’d be sad to see them wilt against the Bucs—always at risk for mutiny—on Monday Night.
COLTS (-9) over Rams
Do you think that Andrew Luck has started writing his Hall of Fame speech in his head already? I’d like to hear more trash talking in Hall of Fame speeches. Like if during Luck’s speech 20 years from now, he threw in jabs like: “I’d like to thank guys like Carson Palmer, Brandon Weeden, and Matt Flynn for making me look so damn good by comparison. I don’t know how you guys did it. Bravo.” Brady might just be dick enough to start the trend.
RAVENS (+1) over Bengals
Bengals are injured. Ravens are desperate. I feel like Baltimore wins this game every single year.
More importantly, does anyone else really miss Ray Lewis’s touchdown dances? The man was an artist. I bet he’s a ton of fun at karaoke night (though also disturbingly intense.)
BEARS (Pick ‘Em) over Lions
With Cutler back, the Bears ought to be favored at home. I think this line mostly speaks to the sheer fear that Calvin Johnson strikes into the hearts of gamblers everywhere. After the Lions’ glorious comeback against the Cowboys, no one wants to bet against Megatron—329 yards in one game will do that.
Seahawks (-4) over FALCONS
The Seahawks putrid, injury-ridden offensive line has pretty much put a giant “DO NOT BET” sign on the Seahawks, but holy hell, the Falcons are terrible. Since day 2 of their season, their only win is against the Buccaneers. By a single score. This is not a sleeper. It’s a corpse with their eyes painted open and an exasperated Tony Gonzalez trapped beneath it.
SAINTS (-6.5) over Cowboys
The Cowboys secondary has been shredded by Eli Manning (Week 1: 450 yards, 4 TDs), Philip Rivers (Week 4: 401 yards, 3 TDs), Peyton Manning (Week 5: 414 yards, 4 TDs), and Matthew Stafford (Week 8: 488 yards, 1 TD) giving up 30+ points to each. I’ll take Drew Brees—thanks!
6 BEER BETS
STEELERS (-3) over Bills
The False Hope Bowl.
GIANTS (-7) over Raiders
Speaking of false hope! This is usually where the Giants start falling apart … but they already got that out of the way during their 0-6 start. What if this is the inverse Giants season, and they’re going to enjoy the hot half of their season after Halloween for once? What if Eli continues his turnover-free return to top form, and Andre Brown sparks the offense? What if the defense extends their 8-quarter shutout streak?
My dad’s picking me up at 9 AM tomorrow to tailgate before the game, and these are all questions that we’ll discuss at great length.
By the way, the Giants play their next three games at home and have a legitimate opportunity to lead the NFC East by the end of the home stretch. Consider this scenario:
-The Giants beat the Raiders tomorrow and the Seneca Wallace-led Packers at home.
-The Cowboys lose to the Saints in New Orleans tomorrow night, heading into their bye week at 5-5.
The 4-6 Giants would then play the 5-5 Cowboys in the swamps of Jersey on November 24th with first-place in the NFC East at stake, depending on how the Eagles perform these next two weeks.
Do I believe this will happen? No. Will I believe it’ll happen by 12 PM tomorrow when we’re on our second case of beer? Hell yes. You better believe it, champ.
Jaguars (+13) over TITANS
I’d watch the Charlotte Bobcats on NBA League Pass before I watched this game. I’ve reached my absolute limit of Jaguars football this year. I can’t take anymore. I’m going to start a petition to get them banned from the Red Zone Channel. No more, Andrew Siciliano. No more!
CARDINALS (-3) over Texans
KEENUMSANITY! The media, hungry for another happy-go-lucky success story to torment, has anointed Casey Keenum the new Tony Romo. Makes sense—they’re both undrafted scrambling quarterbacks with names that are fun to say. I can’t wait until Keenum starts dating Miley Cyrus. Skip Bayless might explode.
Panthers (+6) over 49ERS
Quietly the best game of the week. Carolina and San Fran have the biggest and second-biggest average margin of victory in the league, and they’re both riding big win streaks. Colin Kaepernick and Cam Newton are two incredible young quarterbacks playing against Top 5 defenses.
It’s too bad only about 5% of the country will see it. How is FOX choosing Texans-Cardinals over this? It’s a testament to the power of KEENUMSANITY.
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