Madame Chlojoes Psychic Conference Championship Sunday Preview

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Sunday 1 PM: Pregame Shows

 

Three are injured on the set of ESPN Countdown when Keyshawn Johnson violates Chris Berman’s no sombrero rule, turmoil ensues and the set collapses. Kurt Menafee and James Brown switch spots on the CBS and Fox pregame shows; no one notices.

 

ESPN Countdown relocates to the set of First Take; the picks segment is interrupted when a drunk and blubbering Skip Bayless crawls from under the desk clutching a Tim Tebow blowup doll. Bayless locks eyes with Kurt Warner, and romance ensues.

 

Terry Bradshaw refuses to stop showing his testicles to Michael Strahan under the Fox desk, leading to an awkward segment on the Fox Studio field in which Strahan must take snaps from Bradshaw, but Bradshaw keeps meowing. Fox experiments with ultra-HD broadcasting on the Armed Forces Network. Half of the 215th division in Afghanistan goes blind from Jimmy Johnson’s tan.

 

Sunday 3 PM: 49ers @ Falcons

 

Joe Buck stares into Troy Aikman’s soul during their opening monologue. Falcons Coach Mike Smith burns two early timeouts while contemplating whether to call heads or tails. Following his 48th tearful viewing of Any Given Sunday in as many days, Alex Smith officially changes the name on his back of his jersey to ‘Cap’ Rooney, and attempts to make out with General Manager Tom Dimitroff, mistaking him for a mature Cameron Diaz.

 

Colin Kaepernick flexes his tattooed muscles following a 56-yard scamper; Buck decries “such a supple, disgusting display…reminiscent of the HBO show Oz.” Overwhelmed by the crowd noise in the Georgia Dome, Kaepernick calls 8 straight Hail Marys and is immediately fined $50,000 by Commissioner Goodell for blatantly and dishonestly stealing his super secret Madden strategy.

 

In a back and forth thrill ride, the 49ers edge the Falcons, 27-24.

 

Sunday 6:30 PM: Ravens @ Patriots

 

In an effort to top his Wildcard round pre-game dance to Nelly’s Hot In Here, Ray Lewis grinds with frightened practice squader Nigel Carr to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back. Three young journalists on site are hospitalized for bar mitzah flashbacks.

 

Jim Nantz wonders aloud on air whether his uncontrollable excitement every time Brady completes a pass to Welker/Edelman makes him racist—or maybe gay? The Patriots hold onto an early lead and suffocate the Ravens offense, but are grossly outgained in Inspirational Yelling. With a 9-point lead late in the 4th, Bill Belichick releases the members of John Harbaugh’s family that he’d taken hostage, except for 6-year-old Alison, “just in case Uncle Jim likes that little brat.”

 

The Patriots prevail, 36-27.

Joe Lazauskas
Editor of The Faster Times. Managing Editor at Contently. Twitter: @joelazauskas ...read more

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