Existentially-Tormented Tom Brady Wondering If There’s More to Life Than Winning Super Bowls and Banging Brazilian Super Models

Football fans everywhere continue to be confused by the increasingly dark comments from New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.

In the latest in a string of remarks that have unsettled the sports world, Brady told ESPN sideline reporter Michelle Tafoya that he had failed to avoid a sack simply because he could see no reason to do so.

“So they don’t get me this time, or the next time. Eventually, they will. And, either way, the result will be the same,” Brady told a seemingly perplexed Tafoya. “Escape the pocket? There is no escape from the pocket.”

Asked by Tafoya to clarify his remarks, the quarterback shook his head. “We’re all going to die, Michelle,” Brady said. “The real question is whether we can find any meaning in this absurd charade before the darkness settles in.”

“I gotta say, it’s getting pretty weird,” said teammate Rob Gronkowski. “The other day I caught him reading this weird book in the locker room. I asked him what was up, and he’s like, ‘Dude, I’m reading Sat Ray’ — or something like that. It looked like he was reading it in French.” Added Gronkowski, “Which I guess might explain the beret he was wearing.”

Brady declined to comment directly for this article. A statement released by his agent said that the quarterback will no longer be speaking to reporters but that he will address all questions about his state of mind in a forthcoming collection of radical poems entitled “End-less-Zone.”