NFL Free Agency Winners, Losers, and Possible Rapists

We’re five days into the most bizarre free agency in NFL history: normally at this time of year, Dan Snyder would be selling his Six Flags mascot-boys in to pay for a ridiculous signing bonus. But this year, Snyder hasn’t even made a ripple – all he’s been doing is dumping overpaid veterans like he’d just caught all of them naked in the shower with his poodles, and there was peanut butter everywhere.

Dumping salaries, weirdly, is the biggest aspect of this free agency. No cap means no strings attached, and no reservations about dumping a previous year’s mistake. It’s primarily about teams financially cleansing themselves in case the cap comes back in the new CBA, and also trimming the fat and hording away cash in case of a lockout. Why would any owners want to spend money? The unrestricted free agents are less attractive than the girls in Britain.

Still, there have been good moves, and there have been bad moves. So lets satisfy our universal need for hasty, polarizing judgment and determine the winners and losers of the past five days.

Winners

One: Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, Bears. Listen, the pricy signing of DE Julius Peppers, RB Chester Taylor and and TE Brandon Manumaleuna reeks of desperation. But it’s a brilliant gamble by Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo, because they need to make the playoffs to keep their jobs, and they don’t have any picks on the first two nights of the draft. So, they needed the talent to jump to ten wins somehow, and although I kind of doubt Peppers will record double digit sacks or that Taylor will beat out Matt Forte for the starting job, these signings certainly won’t hurt their chances of staying employed.

Two: Miami Dolphins and LB Carlos Dansby. Anyone who saw Dansby’s flailing in coverage versus Green Bay and New Orleans knows he’s not a true three-down linebacker, and he got three-down linebacker money. But he’s a hard-nosed player that fits this football team, and Tony Sporano won’t leave him to play in space all day. The Dolphins need to be able to run the ball and stop the run-they couldn’t do the latter so well last year. Dansby will make a big difference.

Three: New York Giants. Yes, they overpaid for S Antrelle Rolle, but no Giants fans are complaining. C.C. Brown and Michael Johnson played last year like Jerry Jones was blackmailing them with photographs from some weird, Dallas nightclub circle jerk. They had less range than Hugh Grant. As a Giants fan, they made me want to do horrible, horrible things. Rolle is very athletic. He can cover a lot of space. And if Kenny Phillips recovers from his knee injury, the Giants will have one of the more talented safety combos in the league.

Four: Baltimore Ravens and WR Anquan Boldin. Best acquisition through a trade I’ve seen in years. Boldin for a third and a swap of a 4^th for a 5^th? Awesome. Flacco loves throwing short hitches, slants and outs-those are Boldin’s best routes. He’s a vicious run blocker. He’s a badass mofo who likes to get physical, and he really fits this offense. I’ll declare it: there’s a new favorite in the AFC North.

Five: Detroit Lions. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I love the lions off-season so far. DT Corey Williams was a dominant player just two years ago in Green Bay, and they got him for a 5^th rounder. Falcons CB Chris Houston is a great gamble, especially for just a 6^th round pick. DE Kyle Vanden Bosch is a great worker and a solid, run stopping end, and Nate Burleson is a nice flyer. The Lions may be on the road to four or even five wins! Somebody get the champagne…or at least the moonshine.

Losers

One: Bears Owner Virginia Halas. In nine months, she’ll probably realize she just paid 60 million extra dollars to go from a 7-9 to 8-8 record.

Two: Jacksonville Jaguars. I don’t know how I feel about a near-bankrupt team spending seven million a year on a 30-year old defensive end with a freshly torn ACL. Yes, ACL recoveries have been solid lately, but it takes two years to get back. By the time Kampman is fully recovered, he’ll be going on 32, and will the team even be in Jacksonville anymore?

Three: Redskins fans. The good news? Your team is finally building through the draft. The bad news? That’ll take 3-4 years. And now you’ve been deprived of your annual free agency rampage, and all of the wonderful fantasies that come with it. The Albert Haynesworth signings got those hogettes hard. Imagining another year of Jason Campbell having panic attacks behind a very, very offensive line? Not so much.

Four: Ryan Clark, S Steelers. Clark was exposed as a mediocre player when Polamalu went down last season. He works well in that system next to the Cher-haired star, and he got a pretty nice contract, all things considered.

Five: Atlanta Falcons. I think trading Chris Houston was the wrong move, but the signing of CB Dunta Robinson more than made up for it. The Falcons secondary is their biggest weakness, and you’ve got to grab a young, talented CB when the opportunity arises.

The Biggest Loser: Pittsburgh Steelers. I don’t buy Big Ben’s innocence. Why would a college student seek out Ben to slap another sexual assault charge on him? It doesn’t make sense. I have a feeling this is going to get messy, and the Steelers might be without their star QB for a large portion of last weekend. That’d be a blow that they definitely could not absorb.