Week Twelve NFL Power Rankings: Screw You, Steeler Nation

How do you define power?

If it was just a team’s record, we’d print the standings. If it was just how well a team’s been playing, the Titans would be fifth. If it was based on which quarterback could land a top-job as a male stripper, the Browns would be set. But it’s not based on any one of those things; it’s a combination of factors.

The Chargers and Cardinals can’t fall out of the top ten because they have their division by the balls. The Steelers do fall out because they’re going to have to play all of their playoff games on the road. The Giants, Eagles and Cowboys are clumped 8-10 because it’s difficult to imagine a season without a hot, dominant NFC East team emerging in the playoffs. And because it’s any responsible sports journalist’s job to piss of fans in smaller markets (hello, Jacksonville!).

So here they are. I know Steelers fans are scouring google searches to find writers brave enough to knock their boys out of the top ten. Bring it, bitches.

1.(1) 10-0: Like a predator that petrifies his prey to death, Peyton Manning forces opposing offenses into mind-boggling risks because of their sheer fear of the beast that roams the Colts sidelines. We’re three months away from Sean Payton calling for a surprise onside kick after every score.-Joe

2.(2) 10-0: What’s the best thing about next Monday night’s Brees vs. Brady Super Bowl preview? Tony Kornheiser won’t be calling the game. I am so stoked!-Dr. Juan

3.(3) 9-1: Vikings vs Saints in the playoffs will be so hot, it will be homoerotic. Let’s just say it.-Mason

4.(5) 7-3: That 4th and 2 was bad news for the rest of the league. Why? Because Belichick was taking it easy, but now that everyone has trashed him, he’s back to holing up in his office for twenty hours a day, chugging Jolt Cola and eating greasy Chinese Food that turns his skin that particular shade of death. He doesn’t want to lose again.-Joe

5.(8) 7-3: I don’t care if they won 32 to whatever. Norv Turner coaches not to lose instead of to win. There has never been a bigger drop off after the top four.-Mason

6.(4) 7-3: It’s always a bad sign when your QB is the one getting the goal-line carries.-Dr. Juan

7.(7) 7-3: Kurt Warner can’t remember if he’s ever had concussion issues before.-Mason

8.(11) 7-3: It looks like the Cowboys are getting ahead of themselves. They’re starting to play like losers and it’s not even December. Maybe they should look into hiring a retired bingo caller to run their offense. Couldn’t do any worse.-Dr. Juan

9.(14) 6-4: They’re up, they’re down, they’re up again. If this was an ABC After-School Special, somebody’s closet would be getting searched right about now.-Dr. Juan

10.(15) 6-4: I keep expecting to see the Giants defense in a Cialis commercial. “Is poor performance ruining your love life?” Yes. It is. I’m so nerve-wrecked after Giants games that all I want to do is lie in the fetal position smoking weed and eating Kettle chips.-Joe

11.(6) 6-4: The Bengals beat the Steelers twice. The Chiefs beat the Steelers too. All season, I have been telling anyone who would listen not to write Big Ben and Co. off as contenders. I should get a front office job with the Browns.-Mason

12.(9) 5-5: I honestly think the Ravens could lose 50-0 to the Steelers, Ray Lewis could have a complete mental collapse and start sucking his thumb during his post-game interview, Ed Reed could reveal that he’s actually a woman and we wouldn’t rank the Ravens lower than 15. Joe Flacco, I can’t quit you!-Joe

13.(13) 6-4: Well, Al Harris and Aaron Kampman are lost for the season and the QB sacks have gone down. It looks like Rodgers Air Express may be doing a lot of business down the stretch.-Dr. Juan

14. (20) 4-6: Vince Young does walk on water, he does turn water into wine and he does this all because he is God. Now get him a f*cking receiver.-Mason

15.(17) 5-5: Ricky Williams is finally smokin’, not smoking.-Mason

16.(16) 5-5: The Dirty Birds laid another egg.-Dr. Juan

17.(10) 6-4: Did you see the sidelines in their loss to the Chargers? There hasn’t been this much emotional turmoil between men in the Rockies since Brokeback Mountain.-Dr. Juan

18.(18) 6-4: Jags games consistently re my dad and uncle, ten drinks into every holiday, drunkenly playing one-on-one basketball in the driveway. For the love of Jack Del Rio it’s ugly, but you just can’t turn away.-Joe

19.(12) 5-5: Matt Schaub lying in the fetal position just before the Texans missed yet another FG to tie a game in regulation evoked memories of the Texans’ glory days with David Carr.-Mason

20.(19) 4-6: I’ll tell you what, Alex Smith looks like a guy that could win you seven, maybe even eight games a year for the next ten years. You really can’t pass up a chance to keep the Dick Jauron of NFL quarterbacks.-Joe

21.(21) 4-6: When John Fox signs a 5-mill a year deal with the Cowboys this off-season, let’s remember decisions like “I have the best RB-combo in the game, but I’m going to let Jake Delhomme throw it 42 times with our season on the line.”-Joe

22.(25) 3-7: This team needs a name lawsuit just to seem relevant.-Mason

23.(22) 4-6: After trash-talking, whining, crying have all failed, sources report that Rex Ryan plans to f*ck a Jake Delhomme blow-up doll in the locker room to inspire his defense. Someone, please, get this man a therapist.-Joe

24.(23) 4-6: Jay Cutler has the savvy of Ryan Leaf, the accuracy of JaMarcus Russell and the winning personality of Naomi Campbell. Why would the Bears regret anything?-Mason

25.(27) 3-7: The Chiefs are 2-0 since they cut LJ. The Bengals are 0-1 since signing him. I think we found a new strain of football cancer.-Joe

26.(29) 2-8: I’m highly anticipating Tony Romo’s season-ending injury when Tom Cable attacks Romo after the game to steal his giant “Player of the Game” turkey leg.-Joe

27.(24) 3-7: How does a team from the corporate home of Starbucks play with such low intensity?-Dr. Juan

28.(26) 3-7:Week 11 on a losing team with a one year deal and T.O. explodes for 9 catches for 197 yards and a TD. Does anybody else think he’s auditioning for next year?-Dr. Juan

29.(31) 2-8: It’s nice when an NFL shootout doesn’t involve PacMan Jones.-Mason

30.(28) 1-9: Marc Bulger broke his leg and could be done for the season. I’m reluctant to call this his “lucky break”, but it is what it is.-Dr. Juan

31.(30) 1-9: Carnell Williams got 32 yards on 11 carries against the Saints. But Cadillacs aren’t known for getting great mileage.-Dr. Juan

32.(32) 1-9: I’m thoroughly excited for the Browns to announce they hired Mike Holmgren, followed by Holmgren backing out, and the Browns using a walrus from the Cleveland  Zoo as a replacement double at the press conference, followed by this story on SportsCenter: “ESPN’s Adam Schefter reports that sources say the person seen at this Browns press conference today was not in fact Mike Holmgren, but an escaped sea creature.” Jay Glazer will be so depressed he didn’t break that one, he’ll probably spend the rest of the night sucking body shots off Suzie Kolber while she rubs his head and tells him he’s a good boy.-Joe

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