Week Eleven NFL Power Rankings: Welcome Back, Parity

Dear Parity,

Welcome back! A few weeks ago, we thought you were dead. Turns out you were just using all that money from player fines to go on a NYC coke-binge with Commissioner Goodell. We’re just glad that things are back to normal in time for the playoff race.

But how crazy is this now?! Twenty-three out of 32 Teams are between 3-6 and 6-3. The 3-6 Titans would probably be favored by 5 points over the 6-3 Broncos on a neutral field. Locating this year’s wildcard winners is harder than locating Andy Reid’s belly-button.

The 21st ranked Panthers might be better than the 21st ranked Cardinals–hell, they beat them two weeks ago! To be honest, you made this week’s Power Rankings really difficult, you strung-out, junkie prick. You better stay away from my Giants and let them be great again, or I will find you. That’s a promise.

1. (2) 9-0: Asking your defense to stop Peyton Manning with 29 yards to go, two minutes on the clock and all his timeouts is like asking Webster to check Shaq on the blocks.-Mason

2.(1) 9-0: Winning 28-23 in St. Louis is like losing your virginity in Thailand; sure, you’re pleased, but if you talk about it to anyone, you’re just going to get uncomfortable, disgusted looks.-Joe

3.(3) 8-1: When Adrian Peterson can’t sleep, he puts on film of the Saints run defense and dreams of a Super Bowl birth. When Brett Favre can’t sleep, he snorts a bunch of Oxy, down six-pack of Bud and prank calls Aaron Rodgers. He’s just having fun out there!-Joe

4.(6) 7-2: The Bengals brought in Larry Johnson to deal with the problems their skill players are having getting arrested this season.-Mason

5.(4) 6-3: Has Belichick been asking Andy Reid for game management advice?-Dr. Juan

6.(5) 6-3: The Steelers getting dominated twice in one season by the Bengals puts the whole “Who ever thought we would have a black president?” question into perspective.-Mason

7. (9) 6-3: They’re only single-digit favorites against the Rams this week. If Kurt Warner did a pre-game performance of  Aretha Franklin’s “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”, would that help or just cement Warner as the fruitiest player in the game? A little bit of both?-Joe

8.(12) 6-3: The Chargers and the corpse of Ladainian Tomlinson seem to be reanimated.-Mason

9.(13) 5-4: This team is like an Emo teen trying to find his identity.-Mason

10.(8) 6-3: s this the beginning of another mid-season fade for the Broncos? Did Shanahan start coaching them again?-Dr. Juan

11.(7) 6-3: If you still believe the Cowboys are contenders, I have some Browns’ playoff tickets I’d like to sell you.-Mason

12.(13) 5-4: A MNF game against the red hot Titans will determine once and for all if this team is tough enough to live up to its name.-Mason

13.(17) 5-4: Aaron Rodgers gets sacked more often than a Glenn Beck book at a Wal-Mart check out line.-Mason

14.(10) 5-4: The Eagles threw the ball 55 times and ran it 13. They are about as balanced as Tara Reid’s boobs.-Mason

15.(15) 5-4: When I consider the Samuel dropped pick, the Tyree catch, and the Bears, Falcons, Cowboys and Eagles all weekend, I really start to wonder whether Eli Manning has a leprachuan imprisoned in his closet that he drunkenly molests for good luck.-Joe

16.(11) 5-4: This team is full of weapons. But it shoots more blanks than irradiated testicles.-Mason

17.(18) 4-5: Ronnie Brown is hurt. If I were Tony Sparano, I’d spend every dollar the team can afford to buy every last single nug of bud in South Florida just to be on the safe side.-Dr. Juan

18.(22) 5-4: Who else is excited about the possibility of betting against the Jags in the first round of the playoffs? If they make it, I’m flying to Vegas, betting my life’s savings against them, and using the winnings to hiring a January Jones look-a-like to swim around naked in a pool of jello and whipped cream with me. (Shit, I hope my girlfriend doesn’t read this. If she asks, I’m visiting my grandpa in Florida during Wildcard Weekend)-Joe

19.(20) 4-5: Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco. I think he left his arm too, and now Alex Smith is using it.-Dr. Juan

20.(24) 3-6:I have not seen a player as automatic as Chris Johnson since Willie Gault in Tecmo Bowl.-Mason

21.(21) 4-5: John Fox talked this week about his team could maybe, maybe make the playoffs as an 8-8 team. They only have five losses! He’s about as supportive as the Jewish side of my family is about my writing career. Now, if you excuse me, my nana has overflowed my mailbox with law school applications, and my landlord is pissed.-Joe

22. (16) 4-5: Rex Ryan cried Monday morning in the team meeting as a result of Bill Belichick’s first step to sabotage the Jets this week: steal Rex Ryan’s Egg McMuffin.-Joe

23.(19) 4-5: Eleven picks in three night games for Cutler. He’s so bad in primetime, I’ve started calling him George Lopez.-Joe

24.(23) 3-6: If you combine the last three quarters of the detroit game with the opening minutes of the Cardinals game, the Seahawks are up 46-3 the past two weeks. Spread the word. This kind of math is key to keeping the suicide rate down this winter in cold, rainy Seattle.-Joe

25.(26) 3-6: That was a pretty sneaky underhanded bush-league trick they pulled on the Broncos. I can’t believe they fell for it. I loved it!-Dr. Juan

26.(25) 3-6: The funny thing about FingerGate is that the NFL isn’t fining any of the Buffalo fans that were flipping off their team, too, for losing like that.-Dr. Juan

27.(30) 2-7: Chiefs beat the Raiders. All hail the Stupor Bowl champs!-Dr. Juan

28.(29) 1-8: Maybe the good folks at Budweiser would consider providing the Rams with beer instead of Gatorade in their coolers. Hey, at this point, it couldn’t hurt.-Dr. Juan

29. (27) 2-7: Trying to find bright spots on this team is like trying to a white cock in Lisa Lampanelli’s mouth.-Mason

30.(28) 2-7: Their former coach just got a big new contract with ESPN for MNF. Guess who got the better end of deal when he got fired?-Dr. Juan

31.(31) 1-8:As bad as it gets, folks, remember. At least Matt Millen is gone.-Dr. Juan

32. (32) 1-8: This is the only team in the league that lives up to its name. You can smell the brown smear they leave on the field through the TV.-Mason

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