Week Ten NFL Power Rankings: the Anxiety Issue

New theory: this is the worst season in NFL history for fans. At most, 6% of NFL fans are happy. The rest are either incredibly anxious, depressed, or downright angry. Which fans are happy? Saints, Colts, Vikings, Steelers and Bengals fans. That’s it.

Look at the other “good teams”: Cowboys fans fear an impending collapse; Broncos fans know it’s coming. Texans fans sense 8-8 creeping up slowly. Cardinals, Eagles and Falcons fans feel like they’re dating a crazy girl from Bard. Chargers fans have nightmares about Norv Turner.

Who’s feeling it worst? Giants fans like me. I’m begging you, Roger Goodell, let DirecTV throw in a Xanax prescription to get us through their bye week. We’re an absolute wreck.

1. (1) 8-0: It was cruel of them to use the first half to allow Carolina fans to think they have a reason to live.-Mason

2.(2) 8-0: This week it’s Manning vs. Brady, Sunday night, prime-time. I’m as giddy as a silly little girl!-Dr. Juan

3.(3) 7-1:It was a long weekend for Favre, as a game on Sunday is usually the only thing that can get him out of Sears.-Mason

4. (4) 6-2: My pitch for the Sunday Night Football promo: Bill Belichick wearing his dirty sweatshirt and a headband, scowling while doing sit-ups and throwing darts at a headshot of Peyton Manning on his wall and “Rocky” music plays. If that doesn’t get you pumped up for this game, you’re not human.-Joe

5. (6) 6-2: I don’t know what happened in that hotel room in Vegas, but Big Ben’s Monday night assault on Denver was brutal. In between the announcers riding their sagging nuts in the first half and Ben shoving an oblong, pigskin covered object up their asses in the second half, Denver’s over the hill secondary must be sore today.-Mason

6. (9) 6-2: So many celebration opportunities for Chad Ochocinco in Heinz Field. How much would Goodell fine him if he scored, threw on a Roethlisberger jersey, wolfed down a big mac and then started chasing around a cheerleader? $50,000? $100,000? I’d pitch in my last fifty bucks to help pay that fine.-Joe

7.(11) 6-2: This is what a top ten team looks like these days? Parity is not dead, but good football must be on the respirator.-Mason

8.(4) 6-2: They should seriously consider going back to their flamingly homosexual retro unis. They were fierce.-Mason

9.(15) 5-3: Kurt Warner follows his five picks with five TD’s. His wife must get really excited every time he ejaculates prematurely. This guy knows how to make up for a poor performance.-Mason

10.(7) 5-3: Andy Reid must have felt really silly after the game when he found those timeouts he was looking for tucked in between his sixth and seventh roll of fat, next to the cajun shrimp he got last week at Applebees.-Joe

11.(12) 5-3: They look solid against the dregs of the league. But their play against the good teams leaves me gaseous.-Mason

12.(18) 5-3: With the way the Broncos are crumbling, the Chargers legitimately have a shot at another 8-8 division title. I’m truly impressed how Norv Turner teams continue to rope everyone in, just so they can redefine mediocrity in a hideous way.-Joe

13.(8) 4-4: Man, defensively, it looks like Rex Ryan got out while the getting was good.-Dr. Juan

14.(16) 5-4: If you missed it, there was a fantastic parade Monday in Houston for the greatest loss in Texan history. Gary Kubiak drunkenly peed himself on the raft and Andre Johnson leapt over six buildings to get him a new pair of pants. The Houston media heralded it as a team bonding event that will surely lead the Texans deep into the post-season.-Joe

15.(13) 5-4: I remember when I looked like a big, fat schmuck for dropping the G-men pretty far in the Power Rankings after their first loss to the Saints. Today, I only look big and fat.-Dr. Juan

16.(17) 4-4: Rex Ryan was spotted eating seventeen hot dogs at a Central Park stand, seemingly to distract reporters from Sanchez’s hotdog-gate. Turns out he was just hungry.-Joe

17. (10) 4-4: A lot of puke on the field last Sunday. And I am referring to Green Bay’s “D”, not Tampa Bay’s throwback unis.-Mason

18.(14) 3-5: The best 3-5 team in a while. In six weeks, I’m going to be pimping the Phins as the best 5-9 team in history. What can I say, I’ve got a fetish for the Wildcat. My girlfriend’s dealing with it. You should too.-Joe

19.(19) 4-4: Cutler had the biggest game he had in awhile with three TDs. It’s too bad Warner’s game was a lot bigger.-Dr. Juan

20.(20) 3-5: If they lose another close one to a team as lowly as the Titans, you can count on seeing Mike Singletary’s penis-Mason

21.(21) 3-5: They beat the Cardinals on the road and led the Saints in the Superdome until the end of the third quarter. They may not stink anymore, but they could still use plenty of deodorant.-Dr. Juan

22.(22) 4-4: A three point win over Kansas City is like kissing your really hot sister.-Mason

23.(24) 3-5: Nate Burleson guaranteed a Seahawks win against the Cardinals. Don’t laugh. Rumor has it, the man has a very intimate knowledge of Kurt Warner’s menstrual cycle.-Joe

24.(25) 2-6: Didn’t somebody keep saying, “Put in Vince and let Chris Johnson carry the ball at least 20 times per game”? Oh yes, me.-Mason

25.(23) 3-5: Tony Dungy said that Buffalo might be a good place for Michael Vick to play next year. That’s what they need. Somebody to take the attention off of T.O.-Dr. Juan

26.(26) 2-6: At this point, Native Americans should be more offended by their play than their moniker.-Dr. Juan

27.(27) 2-6: The NFL is evaluating Cable for counseling. I can tell you he needs it. He took the head coaching job, didn’t he? He has to have a huge hole in his head.-Dr. Juan

28.(32) 1-7: I don’t care if they won. Those creamsicle uniforms still look like something from a children’s musical theater day camp. *Step, two three, four, step, two, three four, and kick and spin and step and bow!*-Dr. Juan

29.(29) 1-7: Next on Fox NFL Sunday: Rams! Saints! Bringing back all the thrills and chills of 16th century executions!-Joe

30. (28) 1-7: The Chiefs completely irrelevant comeback from 24-6 to 24-21 was one of the greatest cheap covers of all time. No one has ever been as giddy for an awful Chiefs loss as I was Sunday. I’m sending Jack Del Rio a thank-you basket for teaching his Jags how to quit in the 4th quarter.-Joe

31.(30) 1-7: Sometimes I want to double check and see if it wasn’t Calvin Johnson that wound up on the cover of Madden.-Dr. Juan

32.(31) 1-7: The Browns’ are starting Brady Quinn again because they’ve benched him long enough to avoid paying 10.9 million dollars in contract escalators. If a Browns fan forcibly choked Eric Mangini with a T-Bone steak, would he get arrested or a parade?-Joe