Ax Plax

Does a bullet in the foot feel good? From the number of teams expressing interest in Plaxico Burress, I am starting to think that it does.

Why in the heck would anyone even consider signing a guy dumb enough to discharge a fire arm in a public place into his own leg?

That is incredibly stupid on the surface. When you consider that Plax’s legs are his meal ticket, it takes the idiocy to a level usually reserved for congressmen.

Plaxico Burress accidentally shooting himself in the leg is like Pavarotti accidentally slitting his vocal chords with the razor blade he kept hidden under his tongue in case any of the other tenors got out of line.

It’s like Ichiro Suzuki accidentally gouging his eyes out with the white-hot fireplace poker he swings in the on-deck circle.

It’s like Kim Kardashian accidentally cutting her butt off with the guillotine she carries in her back pocket in case some peckerwood pushes up too close in the club.

Oh…wait a minute…none of those three ever carried any of those things on them, did they? I wonder why not. Oh yeah, I remember…because they aren’t (or weren’t) flippin’ idiots. Say what you want about Kardashian, but I guarantee you, she has the brains not to jeopardize her moneymaker.

I know that Commissioner Goodell is in the process of trying to figure out what the right punishment should be for a player that almost blasts one of his wheels off while sipping wine in the VIP coat check line. That’s all well and good. I get that. That’s his job.

But whether or not he suspends him for eight games, a full season or just waits to see what happens in court should be beside the point.

Whoever actually allows this guy to sign on the dotted line to become a part of their franchise is an even bigger fool than Plax.

I certainly understand that we all make mistakes. I understand that we all deserve second chances and a right to earn a living.

But it seems like it should also be okay to say, “Thanks for coming in for the interview, but we have a strict policy against hiring people who have been convicted of running illegal dog fighting rings and gambling operations.”

Or, “No, it’s not that you aren’t qualified. It’s that you got drunk and ran a man over and killed him. Sorry. Management frowns on DUI manslaughter. We’re kind of old-fashioned that way. ”

And finally, in the case of Plax, it should be okay to keep the office intercom on during the interview and call all the employees in afterwards to laugh like it was 1984 and they were watching “Beverly Hills Cop” for the first time.

But we all know Plax will end up on some team’s roster because the man can flat out play. We also know that he will be a locker room cancer. And no one will be surprised if popping a cap in his thigh ends up being the second dumbest thing he ever does. And it is apparently already a lot dumber than most of us realize.

In short, we all know Plax will leave his next team in shambles after overshadowing however many touchdowns he catches with his selfish shenanigans. But that won’t stop some dumb GM from putting one in the chamber and taking aim at his own five little piggies. And whoever that man is should be held responsible for whatever happens next.

UPDATE: Maybe it won’t be an issue after all.
None the less, it’s pathetic that any team even cares.

Photo by Mike Licht