How to Prepare for Your Upcoming Foreclosure

You’ve endured the months (perhaps years) of threatening notices, the drudgery of paperwork, the court dates and legal filings, and now, congratulations! You have your “law date.”

Your law date is the day the police can kick you and your stuff to the curb.

A smart soon-to-be-homeless person like you will implement a plan for managing the strategic time between now and your law date. Here’s what your plan should include:

Up your alcohol consumption – if you’ve been drinking wine or beer, now’s the time to switch to martinis or whiskey straight from the bottle. You’d better buy the generic brands, because you’re broke, but make sure you have plenty of booze on hand — you want to maximize the time you spend blotto. While you’re at the store, you’d better buy some aspirin too.

Teach your kids how to fix a martini. Because you’re going to be too blotto to fix your own. Remind them not to forget the olives – that’s your dinner!

Alienate your friends and family. If you’ve been nursing a grievance for a while, now’s the time to bring it up. After all, they’re not really helping you, or, if they are, they’re doing it in an insulting way, i.e., taking advantage of your situation to waggle their fingers at you and tell you everything you’ve ever done wrong. So, go ahead and tell them what you really think of them.

Go to church and say, “Enough with all the goddamn prayers. What I really need is a place to watch television.”

Re-evaluate your priorities. Is it 1) money 2) television and 3) martinis or should it be 1) martinis 2) money and 3) television?

Re-think your New Year’s Resolutions. Did you decide to give up smoking? Drinking? Bad decision.

Put on a good show. People love to watch a train wreck, so do what you can to make your crisis as enjoyable as possible for others. Here’s a suggestion: next time you’re sobbing uncontrollably into your martini glass, have your kids shoot a video and post it on YouTube.

Tell your kids that you’re modeling “real world” adult behavior – and that they’d better shut the fuck up and deal with it.

Find new ways to humiliate yourself. You’ve already asked your pastor, your local social services agency and various charities for help. You’ve humbled yourself to your family and former friends. Perhaps you’ve even written your congressman (excuse me while I have a little laugh at your expense). Now’s the time to place an ad in your local paper begging and pleading for a reasonably priced place to stay or offering to assist an elderly or disabled person in exchange for a place to live.

Listen to the deafening silence in response to your ad.

Ask for a raise/look for a job. All those extra NOs can really help push you over the edge.

Tell your kids it’s all their dad’s (or mom’s – whichever one is your ex) fault.

If you need to, bust up some stuff. Smash a mirror with a shoe, that sort of thing. Who cares? You’re going to lose it all anyway.

Apply for lots of credit cards. Hopefully you’ve already done this, but if you haven’t, then get your ass in gear and start applying. These will be useful later, for groceries and etc., but, what the hell, it’s also important to use them to make yourself feel better right now. Buy that new coat, or that pair of shoes you’ve been eying. Replace that mirror you threw a shoe at. You only live once!

Indulge in a little Schadenfreude. If you’re feeling blue, read about Haiti or some other disaster, and feel glad that at least you’re not there.

Buy a gun . . .just in case.

Kathryn Higgins’s new book of  humor, Snide Remarks in Sotto Voce, is available at most ebook outlets through Smashwords. ...read more

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