“What the hell did he just tell us that for? ” a furious Attorney General Eric Holder is screaming as I type.

Ha ha. Gotcha, Holder.

But since you are violating my privacy, Mr. Holder, I don’t feel guilty. No, you probably don’t want to know that eating dried fruit makes my hemorrhoids bleed, but now you do. You probably aren’t interested in the fact that I once blew a bouncer to get backstage at an Air Supply concert before blowing the entire band and the drummer from the opening act. You should have considered that before you started snooping around.

“I really wish I had thought this through more, ” Holder is probably saying right this moment.

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According to reports, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has remained “fully erect” through the duration of the IRS scandal.

The American Heart Association put out an emergency alert this afternoon, warning Republicans in Congress to seek “immediate medical attention” if their IRS scandal erections do not go down after four consecutive hours.

“A lot of them don’t realize the danger they’re in,” said Riley Donovan, Chief Cardiologist at the AHA. “I’m hearing reports of erections lasting 24-hours and longer.”

Continued Donovan, “I’m told that Mitch McConnell has been continuously erect since the news first broke several weeks ago.”

Following the AHA’s statement, Speaker of the House John Boehner came out to the steps of the Capitol to address reporters. Boehner, attempting to shield his own pants tent behind a large document, said that there was no reason for the American people to be concerned.

“We are aware of the medical situation, and we are taking all necessary precautions,” Boehner said, noting that he has brought in a number of health professionals to monitor the blood pressure of his fellow Republicans. “Have no fear,” Boehner said, “Republicans don’t ever give up. One way or another, we’re going to get these erections down.”

According to several different reports, some desperate Republicans who have had no luck with medication are now taking emergency measures. Said one Republican Senator who asked to remain anonymous, “Let’s just say I spend a lot of time thinking about Dennis Kucinich ejaculating onto my face while Al Sharpton tickles my balls.”

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When the Procrastinators Group was formed on Meetup.com, there was hope that procrastinators would soon be able to share their passion for putting things off.

Alas, the inaugural event date remains unscheduled, though frequent communication from group leaders has assured members that they were “making some real progress” in choosing a date and time and “had their eye on the prize.”

Several group members told the Faster Times that they were going to complain, but just haven’t gotten around to it yet.

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Conceding that the recommended 30 chews per bite was frankly unrealistic in a nation of shameless gorgers, United States Surgeon General Regina Benjamin pleaded for Americans to chew their food three or four times, at the very least.

“Listen, we gave up on the pipe dream of people sitting down and savoring their food in small bites a long time ago,” Benjamin said. “But when you’re scarfing down a Doritos Locos taco in two bites, things get dangerous.”

Franklin pointed to an incident last year in which a Blooming Onion was found lodged in the esophagus of an Oklahoma man, fully intact.

“We’re not asking for anything crazy,” the Surgeon General pleaded. “Just three or four chews should break the food down into non-fatal chunks.”

Benjamin also attempted a logical appeal to her countrymen. “I know you want to get to the next bite—I know. But when you chew food, you get to taste it longer for god’s sake, you fat fucking morons.”

Benjamin added that if the nation keeps inhaling their chicken fingers like that, she’s not going to get up and walk across the room to perform the Heimlich on its dumb ass.

The post Surgeon General Pleads For Americans to Chew Their Food 3 or 4 Times At the Very Least appeared first on The Faster Times.

In what some are calling a Mother’s Day miracle and others are dismissing as the desperate delusions of a sad woman, Westchester Mom Kate Greenfield is still clinging to her Mother’s Day high of five days prior.

Though her teenage sons had already returned to their usual state of hostile distance and continued their habit of leaving cum-stained towels in the laundry bin for her wash, Greenfield has continued to assert that her family has been “making me feel special all week.”

“When my husband Barry called me on Tuesday to pick him up on the bar, instead of just driving drunk and endangering our family’s livelihood like usual, I knew he wanted to make me feel like sunshine all week,” Greenfield explained.

Greenfield was not even deterred by the vase of tulips, a gift from her sons, decomposing on her kitchen table. With tulips, “death becomes the seed of life,” she said.

Coworkers unnerved by Greenfield’s cheerful disposition and flower-related monologues hoped that she’d cut it the fuck out once the week was over.

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“I couldn’t hide it any longer,” Watson announced at a press conference early Monday morning, wearing what until today would have been a very uncharacteristic shorts, Red Sox shirt and backwards baseball cap outfit. “I’ve been living a lie, and it’s time to come forward. I’m straight.”

The announcement took many by surprise. Even Kitty Kennedy, Watson’s long-time pairs skating partner, was shocked. “There was one time,” Kennedy said, “during Beijing, when I caught him reading Maxim, but I just assumed it was Olympic nerves. Still, I’m so happy that he feels comfortable enough to do this.”

Watson has said the reactions so far have been mostly positive. “I hope my actions today inspire other skaters to come forward. This is 2013, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be with a woman.”

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“He’s so authentic,” says Bing Gordon, general partner at Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, which led the $1 million series A funding round for Davis’ startup, Spare Ch@nge. “And I love that he’s removed all the complicated infrastructure and platforms around crowdfunding and taken it back to its essence: asking people directly for money.”

“This is the new wave in social,” says Mike Arrington, founder of Tech Crunch, which recently awarded Davis first prize in its Disrupt competition. Arrington is also an early stage investor in Spare Ch@nge, although he declined to disclose the amount of his investment.

When asked how he plans to enable that level of direct interaction between people Davis says: “You’re sort of salting my game here. No one’s gonna believe I really need change if I’m sitting here being interviewed by a chick in a suit.”

Authentic, indeed.

Photo credit

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So his honor, we’re taking a look back to see which Pope wore it sexiest. Because God wouldn’t have put them here if he didn’t want them to be objectified, right?

POPE URBAN VIII

Urban pulls off this tricky layered ensemble with flair to spare. His decision to wear a beautiful lace rochet over his more neutral alb is a sensational contrast, while also giving the impression that he may have stuffed a small girl underneath it, to be unleashed upon his enemies at any moment. We like a man who thinks ahead and looks good while doing so.

Image via Third Millenium Library

Sexy Pope Rating: 6

POPE JULIUS III

The original “emo pope”, Julius was a man before his time. The Hot Topic checkout girls of the early 2000s would have gone gaga over his hardcore half-hoodie and brooding Snuggie.

Sexy Pope Rating: 5

Image via Canvas Replicas

POPE BENEDICT XV

The dashing Benedict XV expertly paired his capello romano with a Spanish-trim cape. At night, the cross came off as he turned into Porro, Zorro’s weird, religious brother who rescued damsels in distress and, instead of seducing them, usually lectured them for so long that they voluntarily returned to their captors.

Sexy Pope Rating: 8

Image via Wikimedia

POPE JOHN XIII

Here we have Pope John in his favorite tiara, with gold flower patterns and gemstones that add some bling, but not an unholy amount of bling. Offering his gloved hand, Pope John exudes a sophisticated air that screams, “Hey girl, let’s break into the sacramental wine and get freaky in the pews.”

Sexy Pope Rating: 7

Image via Orbis Catholicus Secundus

POPE BENEDICT XVI

This list wouldn’t be complete without the original diva himself, Benedict XVI. Of all his fancy pope hats, this one proved the best for smuggling hash back from Amsterdam, scoring him major points with the hippie chicks protesting outside his walls, while also helping him endure “that long ass mass.”

Sexy Pope Rating 6

Image via Wikipedia

WINNER

Pope Benedict XV. YOU GO PORRO.

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“It’s no surprise home teams have won 56% of puck battles when a fan starts banging on the glass,” said Melrose during a 28-second hockey segment on last night’s SportsCenter.

Melrose first noticed this phenomenon while coaching the Tampa Bay Lightning. The Bolts won just five of his 16 games behind the bench before being fired. “We didn’t have that one crazy ass fan banging on the glass, and I think it showed in our performance,” Melrose explained with disdain. “We had this one little kid who would give it a shot, but the world hadn’t yet stripped him of everything in his life but hockey, so his level of fury was pretty inadequate.”

In the playoffs, the effects seem to be magnified. Former front-row glass banger and ex-Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder Adam Miller knows what it’s like to impact a game. “During our playoff run in 2010, I was the guy banging on the glass for Philadelphia,” recalls Miller. “My glass banging got us to the finals, and we were unbeaten on home ice going into Game Six. But then it all changed.”

As Patrick Kane skated into the zone for a tough-angle shot from the corner in overtime, Miller froze up as he contemplated whether to bang on the glass. As the puck squirted in, Miller knew he might have cost the Flyers a championship.

Soon after, Miller’s girlfriend left him after she witnessed the superior skill of the Bruins fan banging on that liquor store fridge in the Coors Light commercial. Soon after, Miller gave up glass banging for good, and his Flyers haven’t made the playoffs since.

Unfortunately, Melrose’s segment ended abruptly when he was asked about the best glass bangers he’d ever seen and digressed into an uncomfortable anecdote about two strippers and a bong in Thailand.

Image via Bleacher Report

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Published since 1952 by the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM has been the mental health community’s chief reference for classifying and treating patients. But a new generation of professionals is leading the charge against “a book more difficult than Ikea instructions,” in the words of successful life coach Toni Pagliarulo, 26, a star on the Bravo series “Long Island Shrinks.” “My clients become close, personal friends,” the expert adds. “As soon as I meet them on Skype and see what they wear, how they talk, I pretty much know what they’re about.”

To be sure, the inclusion of “Cra Cra” has seasoned academics concerned about a dumbing down of psychiatric terminology. “I’m frankly appalled,” says Harvard psychiatry professor emeritus Morrie Schwartzberg, M.D., Ph.D., who served on the task force assembled to revise the new edition. “But as much as I argued with the young people on our team, I couldn’t sway them,” he says. “Soon they were calling me ‘Cra Cra’ and rotating their index fingers next to their heads. Then they escorted me by force into the very psychiatric institution that I helped create and kept me on lockdown until the final draft was submitted.”

Schwartzberg’s harrowing experience aside, there may be positive uses for “Cra Cra.” “Right now, I have to check one of 10 different boxes on insurance forms,” says licensed New Jersey social worker Whit Victory, 25, a self-described “psychotherapist” who refused to be quoted anonymously and demanded his website (DrVictory.com) be included with his comment in this well-sourced health article. “If I can just tell an insurer that my patient–say, John Miller, the cross-dressing gym teacher at Montclair High School–is off-the-charts ‘Cra Cra,’ it saves me time and money, and then we can really make healthcare efficient in this country.

As for legal issues, ‘Cra Cra’ may cause initial confusion for some, but it could also lead to speedier trials. “My last case concerned a cop who sexually abused 12 co-workers in 40 minutes, and then proclaimed himself ‘Penis God of the Golden State’ from the roof of his office,” says Brian McFrey, 33, a first-term San Diego judge. “We don’t know exactly what’s wrong with this guy, but our psychologists are using giant words to describe his ‘disorder.’ This is taking up days and tax dollars. To me the dude’s just ‘Cra Cra.’ Can we just call him that, and give him his fine? I don’t know why shrinks are so wordy, but hopefully things will only improve with the next version of the book — meaning, maybe we won’t even need one.”

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