“We don’t really want words like ‘sober’ or ‘lucid’ to be part of our brand,” Vice CEO and co-founder Shane Smith told The Faster Times. “We find that our freshest articles are written by people who are tripping, high, or very tipsy.”

The new drug policy is a result of a recent scandal, which revealed that the author of “I Tripped Acid While Pregnant in a Somali Prison” was actually only using meth at the time of her imprisonment.

Vice’s regular writers were too stoned to comment for this story.

The post Vice Magazine Now Only Hiring Writers Who Fail Drug Test appeared first on The Faster Times.

Following a marathon Game One of the Stanley Cup Final that ended in triple overtime, editors everywhere were relieved that “Boston Massacre” headlines were avoided for at least another day.

Contributing hockey writer for the New York Post, David Satriano, expressed his relief in a 2AM phone interview with TFT after Andrew Shaw kneed in the game-winner.

“My biggest worry about this series is, and will continue to be, the possible backlash from insensitive headlines. I’d much rather see corny nonsense like ‘Shaw-Shank Redemption’ or ‘See-Shaw Battle’ than something risqué in the event of a blowout.”

“The scariest thing about it,” he continued, “is that it doesn’t matter who wins. Boston could massacre the competition, or simply be massacred…”

In an overly sensitive, politically correct world, recalling one of the bloodiest symbols of the American Revolution could have disastrous results. Fortunately, the teams are so evenly matched that Satriano’s greatest fears will likely never be realized.

Anchored by some of the hottest goaltending in the NHL, and carried by their depth, the Boston Bruins should be able to keep games close with the Blackhawks, despite a crushing loss in Game One where Boston blew a two-goal lead. As the big offensive weapons of the Blackhawks struggle, don’t be surprised if the Bruins rebound quickly and grind out a series victory in six.

Let’s just hope they don’t win by too large a margin.

The post Stanley Cup Final One Blowout Away From “Boston Massacre” Headline Outrage appeared first on The Faster Times.

On Tuesday, the Society for the Detrendification of Marijuana revealed that they have been paying actress Amanda Bynes to perform stunts such as hit and runs, incomprehensible and aggressive tweeting, and bong defenestration.

“The cool connotations of pot are of great concern to us,” said the society’s president Myrtle Munch. “We wanted to find someone who could shatter those associations, and so far we’ve been very pleased with Amanda’s work.”

The Society instructed Bynes to keep the drug in her possession at all times, and to smoke it frequently. The insane tweets that have confounded the internet have been carefully composed by a team consisting of teen psychologists, former child stars, and Charlie Sheen. Professional stunt drivers elaborately staged Bynes’s many accidents.

“Throwing the bong out the window was all her, though,” Munch said proudly.

Bynes is only the most recent of the Society’s employees, its most notable spokesperson being Justin Bieber. Its roundabout tactics, which include supplying young celebrities with marijuana, have received some criticism from the public. Bynes herself says that she is delighted to have the work.

“Things haven’t been going so well since I left The Amanda Show, if I’m being honest,” she told The Faster Times. “I was flattered that they considered me relevant enough for this task.”

So far, the stunt has met with success. The Society reports that the vast weed paraphernalia market has decreased to half of its former value, while reported pot smoking has decreased by 25%.

“It’s just not cool anymore,” said UC Santa Cruz sophomore and former weed smoker Jake Clopper. “She’s made us all look bad. Now all I can think about when I smoke a joint is She’s The Man, and no one wants that.”

The post Amanda Bynes’s Behavior Revealed to Be Elaborate PSA appeared first on The Faster Times.

Late North Korean dictator and mix-tape legend Kim Jong Il is still dominating North Korea’s hip-hop scene from beyond the grave. More than a year after his death, his seminal album, ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il,’ just recorded its 324th straight month at the top of the North Korean hip-hop charts.

Kim, who also invented spanx bodyshaping undergarments and reigned as North Korea’s heavyweight champion from his birth until his death, released the album to an overwhelmingly positive reception in 1986.

The North Korean Ministry of Culture released the following statement to commemorate the milestone:

“Nothing says more about the limitless talent of Dear Leader than the fact that all these years later, clubs still bump his shit. It is fortunate that North Korea was blessed by the most perfect hip-hop album ever produced. There is a reason ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ is the only album our people are permitted to play on their phonographs.”

The post ‘Licensed to Kim Jong Il’ Records 27th Straight Year Atop N. Korean Charts appeared first on The Faster Times.

In addition to collecting vast amounts of private user data from Facebook, Google, and Apple, the National Security Agency has demanded access to millions of un-filtered Instagram photos. A leaked email correspondence between a high-ranking surveillance officer in the NSA’s PRISM program and Instagram’s co-founder Kevin Systrom was made exclusively available to The Faster Times.

“The NSA is concerned that the arty filters and special effects on your product are being used to conceal suspicious or illegal activity,” reads the email dated mid-April 2013. “We require that all un-filtered shots be made available to our data collection services.”

The officer then threatened legal action before concluding, “Respectfully, Mr. Systrom, you’d be amazed how many terrorist training camps you can hide behind a Nashville filter.”

Systrom turned down the request stating that the un-filtered original shots did not belong to Instagram, but did invite the NSA to “follow” him on the networking site.

An in-office email leaked from a later date showed the NSA’s frustration with Instagram’s decision.

“Systrom is building tools for espionage,” the unnamed officer wrote. “Frankly, if someone is using a Valencia filter, artificial frame, and a carefully-arranged tilt-shift for an alleged holiday photo, they must have something to hide.”

The post NSA Demanded Access To Un-Filtered Instagram Photos appeared first on The Faster Times.

“I’m truly appalled,” said a visibly-shaken Obama. “I’ve been reading your crap non-stop for the last month. Is there one single person in this entire country who knows what a comma splice is?”

Obama said that while he’d initially been reading our emails in search of terror plots, he’s now far more concerned about our inability to distinguish between “its” and “it’s.”

Asked by the Associated Press if he had discovered any terror plots while reading every last word we’ve written,” Obama said, “Nada, amigo” in a thick Mexican accent and walked away from the podium.

A few minutes later, Obama returned to the podium and apologized, explaining that the stress of reading our error-filled emails has been causing him to do strange things of late.

The post Obama Horrified by the Grammar in Our Emails appeared first on The Faster Times.

While promoting his new film “The Fast and The Furious 6” at Scarsdale High, actor Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was ambushed by 15-year-old student Alan “the Paper” Rubinstein, who reportedly popped out from under the bleachers and gave the star a small, yet annoying cut on the right thumb.

The alleged assailant told The Faster Times that he has always fancied himself as one of Rock’s most dangerous nemesis. “I got my nickname from my complexion and my distinctive combat style,” The Paper enthusiastically remarked. “When I heard that there was a famous wrestler called ‘The Rock,’ I knew it was my destiny to wrap his life up in a showdown.”

The victory came as a surprise, as The Paper has not had much success in his first year as Scarsdale High’s most prolific (and only) superhero.

“Alan usually just takes printer paper from the library and throws it at people,” explained Principal Douglas Hurston. “Those sheets usually float miserably in the air, less than a foot away, while Alan dashes away shouting nonsense.”

“He’s not one of our brighter students,” added Principal Hurston.

Still Alan’s parents, David and Gloria, maintain an unfounded amount of pride in their son. “I can’t believe that Alan met the Rock,” gushed his mother. “Mr. Johnson is a very strong and sexy man. I’ve seen ‘The Scorpion King’ so many times. If Alan continues with his stretches and scoliosis treatments, maybe one day he’ll be fighting big dust monsters in those racy linen tunics.”

Despite his confidence, Rubinstein is apparently dreading his next battle against famed LGBT hero Claudia “The Scissor” Booker.

The post Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Ambushed By Alan ‘The Paper’ Rubinstein appeared first on The Faster Times.

An Acme employee struggles to breathe in the minutes after the fart.

A single monster fart is forcing management at Acme Technologies in Woodstock, IL to reconsider the usefulness of the “Open Office” concept. Although the company has long claimed that its wall and partition-free work area is great for increased collaboration, the monster fart from an unidentified employee could change the way Acme does business going forward.

According to a statement released by Acme, the fart was released in the early afternoon on Wednesday, just after most employees had returned from lunch. What started out as a few people arching their eyebrows and sniffing the air, rapidly transformed into a stampede toward the emergency exits.

“That was insane,” said Acme employee Calvin Lerner, who was still using his shirt as a makeshift gas mask 45 minutes after the mighty rip. “I didn’t know what was happening at first. I just heard Marilyn in accounting scream, ‘Sweet Jesus’ and then it hit me too.”

While the investigation continues, witnesses said it will be impossible to determine the fart’s point of origin. “It smelled like it was coming from everywhere,” said Acme employee Crytsal Danvers, who briefly lost consciousness after the odor hit her. “I really, really wish I had my office back.”

Acme CEO Sharon Shullenberg said the company would spend the next month reviewing its open office floor plan. “I just went back in there to get my keys, and you can still smell it, ” said a visibly shaken Shullenberg. “I haven’t gone over the numbers yet, but I can’t imagine that monster, room-clearing farts help our productivity.”

The post Monster Fart Prompting Management to Rethink “Open Office” appeared first on The Faster Times.

Kaplan, an institution that specializes in online education, held its first ever reunion on Saturday.

“These students never really got the chance to meet each other,” explained Dean of Students Rodrick Prink. “And I thought it was about time to change that.”

The five-year reunion was held in a large-ish garage in Southern New Jersey.

Over the event’s first hour, seven alumni trickled in and gravitated toward the sides of the garage, where they hunched over their phones and shot furtive glances at one another. But once they had a few drinks, things got “really wild,” according to Prink.

The alumni reportedly began circulating the room in an attempt to mingle. But then Brian Benson, an IT guy in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, mumbled “A/S/L” to Kiera Block, who’s “still waiting to put my degree to work.” Soon all of the alumni were asking each other for their age, sex, and location.

“You’d think that they could at least figure out the location,” said Prink. “But I guess old habits die hard.”

The A/S/L question sparked a lively conversation between Benson and Block.

“We started talking about how annoying all those password changes were at Kaplan, and that really began our walk down memory lane,” he said.

As the stereo blasted “Forever Young,” the alums began dancing tipsily, while Block straddled Benson on a riding mower in the back corner.

“Wanna know what I answered when she asked me A/S/L?” an inebriated Benson screamed at The Faster Times. “Forty one, YES, and RIGHT HERE.”

The post ‘A/S/L’ Most Asked Question At Kaplan Online University Reunion appeared first on The Faster Times.

Eighth-grade bully Eric Morton said he thought he was dreaming when he heard that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift the organization’s ban on gay youths and teens.

“I honestly never thought this day would come,” said Morton, a student at Trenton Park Junior High in Trenton, New Jersey. “It just goes to show that, if you continue to believe and hope, anything is possible.”

“I’m just really happy for him,” said Morton’s father, Ray, a former bully himself. “This would have been unthinkable when I was growing up. It’s a great day for bullies everywhere.”

According to Morton, the prospect of gay Boy Scouts could change the face of bullying forever. “I used to have to work double duty,” Morton said. “I used to spend half of my day ridiculing and beating the Boy Scouts and half of my day ridiculing and beating the gaywads. Now there’s just one big group of scoutwads. It saves so much time and effort.”

Morton noted that while he’s not yet sure how he’s going to use his extra time, he’ll certainly be giving many more wedgies in the days ahead. “This is a new era,” Morton said. “Right now I just want to enjoy it.”

“Speaking of which, you look like a scoutwad yourself,” Morton added, as he picked up this reporter by the back of his underwear and hung him from a hook in the boy’s locker room.”

The post Local Bully: Gay Boy Scouts a Dream Come True appeared first on The Faster Times.