One: Jodie “Stephanie Tanner” Sweetin was Coked and Methed Up on Her Sobriety Tour
Two years ago, my school–Sarah Lawrence College–paid a ridiculous amount of money for Sweetin to speak at Orientation. Her speech was contrived, and she refused to take questions about “Full House,” which is all anyone cared about anyway, and left after twenty minutes.
We all just thought she was a bitch, but according to her memoir, she probably needed to run to her car and snort a few bumps off the dashboard. Wouldn’t Sweetin and the student body have been happier if we spent the 30 grand on a Full House-themed rager with copious amounts of drugs and Jodie Sweetin dancing on a platform?
One of the biggest missed opportunities of my life.
Two: Marge Simpson Graces the Cover of Playboy
Most people are cool with this. I’m not. What will it do to Homer? He’s always one bad break from a destructive drinking bender. He has repeatedly stated his sexual insecurity. So what will happens now? Is it really going to help that he knows that Apu is wacking off behind the counter to pictures of Marge’s sweet ass? When he gets into another crazy scheme with Duff Man, will he be able to handle the fact that his wife’s tits are plastered on Duff Man’s wall? How many extra pints will he chug to fortify himself against the shit he’ll take at Moe’s? Bad news, my friends. Bad news.
Three: Lindsay Lohan is a Werewolf
The hands always give it away————————————–>
Four: Megan Fox to Get Killed Off in Transformers 3
This seems wrong. I think most people would prefer that Megan Fox stay alive and the rest of the film get killed. Except Shia LeBeouf. He should be tortured, and by that, I mean he should be strapped to a chair and forced to watch every single episode of “Even Stevens.” That’s right, asshole–You owe me the seven hours I wasted watching that show when I was 13.
Five: Elizabeth Hasselbeck Sends a Picture of Her Nipple to Family Members
Considering Hasselbeck’s socially conservative views, she should be horrified. It’s common knowledge that every time a member of “The View” publicly reveals her nipple, a young American boy says “f*ck it” to heterosexuality.
Six: “American Psycho” Character Based on Tom Cruise
Director Mary Hanlon talks about Christian Bale’s inspiration for the character:
“We talked about how Martian-like Patrick Bateman was, how he was looking at the world like somebody from another planet, watching what people did and trying to work out the right way to behave. And then one day he called me and he had been watching Tom Cruise on David Letterman, and he just had this very intense friendliness with nothing behind the eyes, and he was really taken with this energy.”
lol.
Seven: McLovin Taunts Woman Until She Flashes at Metal Show, Then Takes Her Home
I kind of love the precedent this sets. McLovin whole post-”Super Bad” career should just be him touring the country and chanting “show your boobs!” and “show your vagina!” in various settings. I’d watch a reality show that was just McLovin doing this: McLovin at a wedding, McLovin at a Bar Mitzah, McLovin at a PTA meeting. It’d be brilliant.
Eight: Kanye Survives Twitter Death Rumor
I love viral internet death rumors. I hate the way they’re executed. A simple car crash? Really? That’s the best you can come up with? If you’re going to be that lame, at least spice it up. Start a separate rumor that Taylor Swift’s body guards were spotted tampering with Kanye’s breaks? Or that Swift’s sister was seen slipping something into West’s Hennessy? Or that it was secretly an assassination plot ordered by Obama?
Think Twitterers. Think.
Nine: Tracy Morgan Loves Rim Jobs
I always assumed this. Not sure why. But I’m glad to find out I was right.
Ten: Amy Winehouse’s Dad Says Her New “Boobs are Great”
Most people think this is weird. I’m willing to accept it as a weird family quirk. “Your bulge looks great grandpa!”
“Nice ass, nana!”
“Looks like you grew two inches this year, Uncle Sal!”
Have a great weekend! And remember: as the weather gets colder, it’s your responsibility to treat famous people who can afford to go on tropical vacations with scorn. Pure and bitter scorn.
Joe Lazauskas
Joe Lazauskas is the Director of Content and Community for the Faster Times and has worked in Social Media since before he could legally buy cigarettes. He’s the former Social Media Coordinator at Babble and has since led campaigns for everything from Showtime dramas to ...
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