Has Everything Already Been Thought?

Has everything already been thought? This is a question we can check with Google. A few minutes ago I see gene therapy trending on good ol’ Google. “What the hell is gene therapy?” is my initial response, but then as soon as the Wikipedia page loads, my true nature kicks in and I google Jean Therapy, thinking, wow, what a great name for a character in a novel. Wrong answer Jeopardy noise. It’s already a women’s clothing store in New Orleans, and inexplicably Orland Park, Illinois, with exceedingly bad reviews on Yelp. Buzzkill. Everything’s already been thought of. Then it hits me like a tab of acid you take drunk and forget about until you go to bed, I think of something I thought of earlier today that hopefully no one’s been twisted enough to come up with: Taliban Teen Mom. I google my idea and bam, faith in depraved creativity restored.

I begin to scroll down the first page of search results, but after a few somber articles about the Taliban, I fall down a rabbit hole out of which I may never return. I see the following in the description of a website: “Taliban Sexually Assualt US Reporter, Teen Sex and Hardcore Sex Videos, Mom and Boy Videos, Free Sex Tapes and a lot more SeXXX Videos!” Okay, let that one sit for a second. Stir it a bit. Alright, now let’s examine the ramifications of what this means. First of all, obviously a robot, right? Okay, that should make me feel better, but then how did the five words Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter get strung together? Did a robot come up with this on it’s own? In it’s apparent randomness of ones and zeroes did a computer become more creatively perverted than human beings? That’s just too frightening to think about, even if it’s just the description in a harmless porn-virus site. Another possibility that gives me some hope is that at some point this was a legitimate news story that got absorbed into the gridded abyss of porn-virus, and regurgitated back into my search results.

I google Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter and for a brief moment of hope, albeit the darkest one I may ever have, I see this is a real news article, that a reporter named Lara Logan was sexually assaulted, and for a split-second the internet gets slightly less weird. Then I see it happened in Egypt. That damned Jeopardy buzzer in my head beeps again, and before I even have time to recover I get hit with another revelation: I forgot to put Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter in quotations. When I do the plot thickens, as I see three lone results all with the following description: “Title: Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter. Description: In the wrong country at the wrong time. Views: 2365. Tags: free mommy porn porn.” Before I can even contemplate the poetry of, “free mommy porn porn,” my focus shifts to the disturbing tagline, and then locks in on the absurd amount of views. It has to all be lies. There’s just no way over 2,000 human beings clicked a url with random numbers and letters. People are dumb, but not that dumb. Then I draw the most logical conclusion from the whole thing: it’s all old people who don’t know how to use the internet, but inexplicably understand quoted Google searches, who happen to have a very specific post-9/11 sexual fetish. I drop the conclusion just as fast, having learned at my prestigious private high school that the obvious answer is always and most definitely the wrong one. Occam’s Razor Scooter. So, accordingly, I jump on that scooter and glide right to the drawn-out conclusion of this investigation.

Machines must have done this. There’s no way someone successfully taped a Taliban member sexually assaulting a US reporter. Unless, of course, there’s a member of the Taliban who has an iPhone, which is probably true, totally weird, and something we’ll explore another time. For now though, I think it’s safe to say this whole thing is the work of computers. What does this mean? There’s a whole universe of porn-virus that exists in the virtual space of the internet, links never clicked, roads never taken. Is it just a world of viruses that lies behind the veil, or something more, something even weirder? What actually creates porn-virus sites and how did this whole thing even start? These are questions that may never be answered. At the same time though they may be easier questions to answer than a simple question that is now dying out. Several years ago my wonderfully old country Jewish grandmother, 88 years old at the time, rest in peace, looks at me innocently enough and asks, “Sam, what’s the Internet?” I tried as hard as I could to just explain the basic concept of different pages, but now, in this glorious year of our lord, 2012, a year marked by some cockamamie apocalypse prediction, I am reevaluating my grandmother’s question. What is the internet? Sure, we all use it, but can we explain exactly how it works? Let’s start with this line of reasoning. If something exists physically it takes up space. If something exists mentally it exists in our minds. The internet neither exists physically nor mentally. It does not physically exist because we cannot touch it. We touch computers, but the internet exists outside of computers. The internet does not exist mentally, because it is outside of our minds, but it is a product of our minds, something we are all plugged into that we use to retrieve and disseminate information. It appears then that the internet is actually a metaphysical realization of our collective consciousness, minds interfacing strictly with the information contained in other minds. Could it be that we’ve brought to life Jung’s theory with this crazy internet thing? We can all agree that the internet is a pretty Jung thing, in it’s infancy, probably in one of those Freudian stages that correspond to the types of sex people have. That’s cool and all, but if it’s just a baby now, and it thought up Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter all by it’s little baby self, then, my friends, what will it think of by itself when it grows up and becomes an adult? Or even worse…what happens when it hits 6th grade?

Tune in next week for another frightening episode of: Real Life

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