Why I’ll Never Have A President Named Mitt

You know why I’ll never have a president named Mitt? Because the next step would be a Vice President Sparky, maybe even Secretary of Defense Biff. What I’m trying to say here is all this talk about Bain Capital is pointless. Mitt Romney doesn’t deserve to become president because he has a stupid nickname. We can’t go from the president with the coolest name in history, to President Mitt. That would be way more than taking a step back. It’s like the scene in Mean Girls when Gretchen Wieners does the trust exercise but the group let’s her fall. I think that would be the spiritual equivalent of Americans electing a president named Mitt.

Now you may think that we’ve come a long way breaking barriers. I mean, we elected a black guy who openly appreciates Bruce Springsteen. Where do you even find a black guy that listens to Bruce Springsteen? America is a beautiful place, I’ll tell you that. Too beautiful to elect a president named after baseball equipment.

I’ll never have a president named Mitt because it will inevitably lead to much worse things. People say a sign society is falling apart is the widespread acceptance of gay marriage. No. Electing a President Mitt is an attack on the sacred institution of names. Where’s family values when you really need them? I actually hear they’re cheating on moral and ethics with hatred and bigotry. Threesomes. What can you do?

I just had a shocking revelation. Mitt’s real name is Willard. Wow. Who would have known with such a cool nickname his real name would be so old fashioned? It’s like finding out Snoop Dogg’s real name is Calvin Broadus. I’m still seeing my therapist about that one.

Willard Romney. You just know that a person with that name has no idea what the concept of fun is. Do we need a fun president? Yes, Bill Clinton was the most fun president we’ve ever had, and look how much the 90s ruled. I mean, Bill did Monica proper, and Chandler never even found out! I miss Friends.

The whole Mitt Romney dog thing? So messed up. However, it’d be totally okay if he did it to a cat, preferably a “funny” one from the “Internet.”

I’ll never have a president, birth name Willard, why? Because we already had one president named Woodrow, and everybody knows he was way better as Tom Hanks co-star in Cast Away.

At the end of the day though, there is one plausible scenario in which I would have a President Mitt, one where Mitt Romney fuses together with Barack Obama to become Rom Bam, incidentally the name of the preeminent medieval Jewish philosopher. Cosmic.

Come November I’m not voting for a guy named Mitt. I’m also not voting for a guy named Barack, even though he has a cool name. No folks, I’m going to write-in the only candidate with the experience needed to pull out immediately: Ron Jeremy.

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