Obama Birth Certificate Fake? Tom Cruise More Important

Obama’s birth certificate is a fake but all I can think about is how the divorce is going to affect Suri. I mean, the United States President forging his identity is about par for the course for abuses of power these days. With Obama issuing executive orders this year as fast as Lil Wayne puts out mixtapes, the slow coagulation of the United States into a police state just doesn’t capture my attention like Tom Cruise’s love-life. Does that make me…normal?

I’m imagining Obama flying a drone over Waziristan, and dropping a bomb on some stock bad guys. Keep the change. Now I know the point of drones is you can’t fly them, but the best case scenario for American foreign and domestic policy right now is that Obama is Will Smith in Independence Day, only the mothership is actually our individual houses, and he’s trying to enter the chalice of our privacy to save the human race. Righteous, yea, but the action of the world stage doth not compare to the heights of sublime drama conveyed in Tom Cruise’s divorce. Watching a tabloid divorce unfold over weekly trips to the supermarket is like America’s 21st century version of the serialized novel, but with pictures of people, and they’re hot.

Fake? Everything is fake these days. We have everything from fake crabmeat to fake breasts, what’s the big deal with a fake birth certificate? I mean, who even knows where their birth certificate is? I remember my birth certificate was torn as a child for some reason, and I wondered if it meant I had ceased to exist. I wonder if this is what Obama’s going through right now. He has people left and right attacking him, and he doesn’t even know if he’s real or not. The only thing more dangerous than a United States President in an existential crisis is one without the proper reading material. Kissinger gave Nixon a copy of No Exit at a CFR meeting and the rest is Vietman, so they say.

Arpaio is under investigation. Wait, but isn’t he also part of an investigation? Woah. Well, aren’t we all like under one big investigation? We’re just running around investigating each other, when we’re actually all being investigated? It certainly makes masturbation more like Facebook. Thank God for Facebook.

Why is Tom Cruise’s love-life more important than Barack Obama’s fake birth certificate? It’s simple really. You see, we humans, we like creating things, babies and such, but while we do enjoy creation we absolutely revel in destruction. You know that social phenomenon when traffic slows because everybody’s looking at an accident? That’s the darkest part of human nature. It’s not us running around killing each other. We’ve evolved past that. It’s us watching accidents, and if it’s not an accident, it’s a celebrity divorce, or a sensational media trial. When it comes down to it we as human beings love watching other human beings suffer. It’s not an active love where people openly relish others’ misfortunes, but tragedy being the ultimate form of entertainment is something we as humans need to think about, and then correct. At least add more comedy. If I died tomorrow and God asked me what I learned this time, I would say the one thing about humans that stands out more than anything is that we really love watching each other. The question of the 21st century is how we handle watching ourselves.

BREAKING NEWS: This is much much bigger than Obama’s birth certificate.

More Fame Hype:

FBI Discloses Existence of Aliens

Pitbull Going To Alaska Wal-Mart? Thank David Thorpe

Why Was Katie Holmes in Jack and Jill? Divorce Irrelevant