FBI Discloses Existence of Aliens

The FBI has finally disclosed the existence of aliens, but this is not a new story. In fact when the FBI document proving that we are not alone came out last April, it was not even considered a news story. Only three legitimate news sources even bothered to cover the most important event in the history of mankind: AOL News, The Huffington Post, and Fox News. The reactions to the existence of alien life by these news sources is actually just as bizarre as, “three bodies of human shape, but only 3 feet tall dressed in metallic cloth of very fine texture.” Now before you even wrap your head around three midget Ziggy Stardusts getting into an intergalactic fender bender in New Mexico, take a good look at the three articles from legitimate news sources. You have to give the mainstream media some respect, because at least each article approaches the disclosure of alien life from a different angle.
AOL News was surprisingly the only news source that said the document was a hoax. Their evidence? They interviewed a retired U.S. Navy optical physicist, and UFO researcher Bruce Maccabee who said the story was actually concocted by an oil scam artist. Well, I guess that makes sense. I’m sure lots of special agents sent memos to J. Edgar Hoover when they weren’t completely sure what they were saying was true. Actually, I bet the way the FBI special agents sent reports to Hoover was similar in execution to the hunches Velma had on Scooby Doo. The funniest premise of the AOL News article is we’re supposed to take Bruce Maccabee’s word over an official document declassified by the FBI. We’re supposed to trust a “UFO researcher” over the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Now who’s the crazy one?
The Huffington Post covered the existence of aliens with an article suitably as short as the little space men themselves. HuffPo reported that according to the International Business Times, “Several news outlets have reported the memo as “proof” that the government knew about crashes of alien spacecraft in Roswell. But not only does the memo say no such thing, it isn’t even connected to the town of Roswell.”
Okay, first of all why would the memo about aliens clearly state the word proof in it? A memo’s function is to report facts, not provide greater analysis. Isn’t that what newspapers are supposed to do? Also, the mention of Roswell clearly has nothing to do with Guy Hottel’s memo. Where did it say anything about Roswell? The International Business Times, whatever the hell that is, just mentioned Roswell to throw people off track. Pretty sneaky sis. The Huffington Post article was titled FBI ‘Vault’ Stirs Alien Debate, but what the hell is supposed to be stirring? The FBI confirmed on their website that three humanoid alien bodies were retrieved. Where is the debate? The only debate is whether or not you believe the FBI. Think they’re trying to trick you, or that they would release a document that isn’t true? Now who’s the conspiracy theorist?
The final mention of Guy Hottel’s memo was by Fox News. They tucked a quotation from the Hottel memo in a report on the FBI’s Vault in their SciTech section. Now, I’m sure the implications for science and technology are pretty big, with the discovery of aliens and all, but shouldn’t the existence of aliens be front page news? Oh right, it’s an election year. Silly me.

The fact of the matter is that there’s a reason this isn’t a big story. It’s not even that there’s some crazy cover-up. If an alien life-form came down to earth, shook your hand, and took your sister out to Olive Garden for all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks, you still wouldn’t believe aliens existed. Why? People aren’t ready to deal with the existence of aliens. We’d rather talk about Kim Kardashian. That my friends, is perhaps why aliens haven’t come down from their spaceships and said hi to all of us. We’re still babies, and we have yet to learn how to walk.

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