Rick Santorum vs. Rick Astley: Battle of the Ricks

Rick Santorum vs. Rick Astley: Battle of the Ricks

Rick Santorum seems like such a swell affable guy, but does he stand a chance against Rick Astley in the Battle of the Ricks?

Round 1: Accesibility

Rick Santorum: “The idea is that the state doesn’t have rights to limit individuals’ wants and passions. I disagree with that. I think we absolutely have rights because there are consequences to letting people live out whatever wants or passions they desire.”

Evaluation: In touch like the magazine. Down to earth like the Chris Rock movie. Perhaps even “salt of the earth,” to borrow a metaphor from Rick’s favorite book (Matthew 5:13). Now I know it may seem like the man wants to limit our freedom, but you have to admit we have desires that need to be curbed like our enthusiasm. For instance, right now I’m trying to suppress my desire to stop writing this article and put on some Rick Astley, but I’m going to wait, because as Mr. Santorum isn’t afraid to say, sometimes the holiest things are worth waiting for. Verdict? Very accesible. Let’s see how he stands up to Mr. Astley.

Rick Astley: “If there’s anything you need, all you have to do is say.”

Evaluation: What a guy, but wait a minute, are we talking anything? If you told Rick Astley to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge would he do it? Hell, what if we asked him to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge and parachute into a gay San Francisco nightclub? He may have his heart in the right place, but this declaration is a little too unconditional. I’ll have to side with Mr. Santorum and say that the best thing for the human condition is conditions. Astley’s accessible sure, but too unrestrained. Verdict? Too accessible.

Winner: Rick Santorum.

Round 2: Love

Rick Santorum: “You can say I’m a hater. But I would argue I’m a lover.”

Evaluation: Wow. Kind of a modern day GOP take on, “you may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” He acknowledges the fact that there be mad haters out there, but he’s willing to stand up for love. Name one another presidential candidate, or even another Rick that’s came out and said, “I’m a lover.” That should be his new campaign slogan. “I’m a lover.” – Rick Santorum. Verdict? Love crusader. How could Rick Astley beat that?

Rick Astley: “Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry. Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.”

Evaluation: Again, the man’s heart may be in the right place, but he’s so damn focused on the negative. Kind of reminds me how all these goddamn liberals are always talking about what’s wrong with America. What kind of lover tells his love all the things he won’t do? Sounds like he’s hurt someone before. Also the whole, “I’m not going to hurt you” sentiment is a bit too reminiscent of sexual grooming. The only kind of grooming we need in America are the kind you find at a wedding. Sorry Rick. Love you though. Verdict? Too creepy.

Winner: Rick Santorum

Round 3: Suffering

Rick Astley: “I’ve been stood up and messed around and taken for a fool. But next time round I’m gonna change the rules.”

Evaluation: Well, it’s clear Rick Astley has suffered. That’s undeniable. One has to question though his suddenness at changing rules. Here in America, we live by a set of rules passed down by our forefathers: The Bible. We live by those rules, and we know that “if anyone adds to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this book; if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away that person’s share in the tree of life and in the holy city” (Revelation 22:18-9). So with all due respect, Mr. Astley, maybe it’s you that needs changing, not the rules. Verdict? Too flexible.

Rick Santorum: “Suffering, if you’re a Christian, suffering is a part of life. And it’s not a bad thing, it is an essential thing in life … There are all different ways to suffer. One way to suffer is through lack of food and shelter and there’s another way to suffer which is lack of dignity and hope and there’s all sorts of ways that people suffer and it’s not just tangible, it’s also intangible and we have to consider both.”

Evaluation: A true philosopher-king in the making, Santorum unites the East with the West like Rush Hour in combining Eastern asceticism with Plato’s forms. Not only does this man appreciate good suffering, he’s not afraid to tackle the subject head on. Can’t say the same for Mr. Astley. Verdict? Suffering champion.

Well there you have it folks. Rick Santorum is an accessible lover who appreciates suffering. Rick Astley? He’s a bit too much. However in the end:

Winner: Rick Astley, but only because Rick Santorum doesn’t have a hit pop song…yet.

Stay tuned for the next part of this series: Newt Gingrich vs. Billie Holliday: Who’s Got The Blues?

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