My Ideal Famous Family: From Cliff Huxtable and Nick Cage to Mufasa, Tracy Jordan & Mrs. Weasley

Starring: Liam Neeson, Mufasa, Mrs. Weasley, Alec Baldwin, Dakota Fanning, Kevin McCallister, Marty McFly, Eminem, Cliff Huxtable, George Carlin, Betty White, Wendy’s ‘Where’s The Beef?’ Lady, Howard Stern, Bill Murray, Machete, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Juno, Tracy Jordan and Nicholas Cage Losing His Shit

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, I really do. But if I had the chance, you better believe I would scrap my real family and recast my life as a made for TV movie complete with handpicked fictitious characters found in American popular culture faster than you can say J-E-L-L-O, It’s Alive!

What follows is a list of my ideal famous family, from cute baby sister Dakota all the way up to crazy ole’ grandma Betty. While the following celebrities are all appealing in their own right, I obviously don’t know what kind of people they are in real life. For the purposes of capturing my delusional family on the written page, I will specify which celebrities’ character/role uniquely qualifies them as a member of my prestigious family and social circle.

Dad – Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills (kickass ninja dad from “Taken”)

OR Mufasa – “The Lion King”

The entire idea of creating a fictitious famous family first occurred to me in 2008 when I saw the movie Taken. For lack of a better word, I was completely taken with Liam Neeson’s character, Bryan Mills. He was such a strong, brave, intelligent man; it left me longing for a sturdy father figure in my own life. He also risks his life for his daughter time and time again throughout the entire movie. I think that’s rather thoughtful of him. I often wonder if my real Dad would do the same for me, then quickly change the subject in my own brain before I can come to a conclusion.

Mufasa was a stellar Dad who instilled a sense of pride and self-worth in his son Simba. In my made for TV movie life though, Mufasa doesn’t die in a herd of stampeding wildebeests resulting in heart-broken and sobbing nine year olds who have yet to fully grasp the concept of death. He lives, god dammit. He lives.

Mom – Julie Walters as Mrs. Weasley from “Harry Potter”

My real mother has always been a lousy cook, and is even worse at spelling. Starting around second grade, I learned to prepare my own food and to write my own excuse letters when I was absent from school. While my mother is an extremely caring and kind woman, I feel she was never really the motherly type. This is where Mrs. Weasley steps in. Rather than leaving me to scour the junk drawer and searching between couch cushions for meals, mother Weasley would most certainly always make my hunger her utmost priority. She would be a lovely hostess when my friends decided to visit. Instead of being forced to ingest stale potato chips and walk to the gas station for soda, Mrs. Weasley would have refills of butter beer and chocolate frogs at the ready.

Step Dad – Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy from “30 Rock”

When the love inevitably dies between my father Mufasa and Mrs. Weasley because she was never really into beastiality in the first place, Jack Donaghy picks up the pieces. All the suave and whispery characters that Alec Baldwin plays, who I’m convinced are just an extension of his actual self, seem like they bode well with the stereotypical self absorbed, douche bag step father.

Little Sister – Dakota Fanning as Pita from “Man On Fire”

My real life sister is perfectly fine. The problem is, she’s sixteen. Sixteen doesn’t work for me. Seeing pictures of her pop up on my Facebook feed, mid make out sesh with her punk-ass boyfriend – strategically pressing her elbows together, angling the camera just so, as to create optimal cleavage – does not work for me. I want a sister akin to Dakota Fanning circa 2004, a little sister that is perpetually nine years old. A sister that has gaps in her smile where she’s missing teeth. A sister young enough to make me have to pretend to still believe in Santa.

Little Brother – McCauley Caulkin as Kevin McCallister from “Home Alone”

When I was a little girl, I had a major crush on Kevin McCallister. I was too young to know what love was. Because I was unsure of the emotions I was feeling, I just assumed that I wanted him to be my brother. I fantasized about running around with my brother Kevin, pelting bad guys in the face with paint cans and hot irons and blow torching burglars. I even had my very own Tiger Electronics’ Talk Boy, a version of Kevin’s personal tape recording system. If Kevin McCallister was my brother, I would refrain from saying hurtful phrases to him such as, “Look what you did, you little jerk,” or,”Kevin, you’re such a disease,” and I would make sure to save him the last slice of cheese pizza.

Twin Brother – Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly from “Back To The Future”

I’ve always wanted to have a twin and I’ve always wanted that twin to be a boy. Marty McFly is the quintessential 80’s boy, and if I were his twin, by default, I’d be the quintessential 80’s girl. We would have matching self-lacing sneakers and would pal around town on our hover boards, when they come out in 2015, of course.

Older Brohan – Eminem “8Mile”

Marshall Mathers has an undying love for his family. If he were my older bro, he would most likely sing rap songs about me and wouldn’t hesitate to take a bullet for me. The main difference between “8Mile” and our real life together would be that we would live in the ‘burbs, rather than a trailer park down by the river. He also would have kept baby brother McCauley Caulkin in line, never allowing him to go to Neverland Ranch in the first place.

Grandfathers – Bill Cosby as Cliff Huxtable/Jello Jigglers guy and George Carlin as himself

The Huxtables are the ideal American family. Granted, I probably wouldn’t fit in because I am, in fact, white, and not really an ideal person. Because of these small details, I will nobly adopt Bill as my grandpa and drop the rest of the do-gooder clan. I wouldn’t want to tarnish their shiny reputation. Besides, Rudy is annoying as shit. Also, I would prefer Cliff to have a constant supply of Jello Jigglers, lime green, specifically.

George Carlin is by far my favorite human being ever to exist on this planet (re: Ode To George Carlin: A Smooth Talking Coked Out Miniature Train Conductor Who May Have Had A Mild Case Of Tourette’s Syndrome).

I even named my dog Carlin after him. Plus, Christmas dinner and other family functions would be pretty entertaining with George and Bill sitting at the same dinner table. George would regale us with stories of his days as a strapping young man in the Air Force. He would share the same story year after year, about the time he was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force for telling the Air Marshal to go f*ck himself, while Cliff Huxtible looked on in horror, his mouth agape in disbelief as cranberry sauce dribbles down his chin. Grandmothers – Betty White and Wendy’s ‘Where’s The Beef?’ Lady. Betty White first entered my life when I saw her in “The Wedding Singer” and she has been like a sassy grandmother to me ever since. Also, I can’t think of any other old actresses off the top of my head, other than Glen Close, and she makes coats out of baby Dalmatian fur and is Satan in stilettos, so I can’t imagine she’d be the kind of grandmother to sneak you Werther’s Originals before supper. By default the only other old lady I can currently think of is Wendy’s ‘Where’s the Beef?’ Lady, and hey, that’s good enough for me.

Uncles – Howard Stern as himself and Bill Murray as Ernie McCracken from “King Pin”

If Howard Stern was my uncle, I would sit next to him by the fireplace as he imparted epic tales of hookers, celebrity sex scandals and a grown man attaching upwards of thirty clothespins to his nutsack, while I stare into the distance with a look of awe and wonderment in my eyes, the look of a wee lass, so proud of her Uncle Howie. I already listen to Howard for hours on end as it is, the only difference being it’s in the car via Sirius radio, rather than on family ski trips to the Swiss Alps. I don’t really talk that much, and Howard doesn’t really ever not talk that much. It would work.

Bill Murray strikes me as a crazy uncle. Every time I see him in a movie I always think the same thing, “this guy is someone’s uncle.” I also suck at bowling. I imagine Uncle Ernie could teach me a thing or two about being a bumper-less, bad-ass bowler.

God Father – Danny Trejo as Machete or any other character he’s ever played, because they are essentially the same person

Everyone knows Danny Trejo is the most bad ass mother f*cker around. With Trejo as my fairy god father I would have my own personal body guard to protect me at all times.

Boyfriend/future husband – Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Tommy from “3^rd Rock From The Sun”

I have a thing for long hair. I was semi-obsessed with the long locked Hanson brothers for well over a decade (the boys that sang Mmmbop, not to be confused with the Jo Bros). The only other poster that made it onto my 12-year-old bedroom wall/shrine was a singular Joseph Gordon-Levitt Tiger Beat poster with shoulder length hair amongst a sea of golden maned Hanson bros. I loved Joseph before the rest of the world fell in love with him in “500 Days of Summer.” I loved him when no one else did. If Joseph was my boyfriend, I would give him the love and affection that he deserved, rather than play games with his skull, flirting and running around Ikea pretending to have a house and family together, hooking up on a regular basis just to tear it all away from him and then get engaged to someone else and show up at his favorite bench in the city and kiss him on the mouth and then walk away into the ether forever, never to have him enter my thoughts again. I would stay with him and live out our Ikea dreams together. We would be happy.

Best friend and occasional threesome partner – Ellen Page as non pregnant Juno

While my marriage with Joseph will be nothing short of heaven, I will understand that he is famous, and sometimes famous people are brats and need more than one person to fulfill their sexual desires. I will use the previous sentence as an excuse to have a threesome with my husband and Ellen Page on more than one occasion, and by occasion, I mean at least twice a week. I don’t know what it is about Ellen Page, I’ve never fancied myself bi-curious, but I would most definitely get a pixie hair cut and replace the I in Britt to an E if it meant regular rolls in the hay with Juno. The combination of her witty personality, slender frame and cute turned up nose gets me every time. I also think Juno would be a fun and handy person to have around. I remember watching Juno for the first time and thinking, “You know what, if I were to find out that I’m pregnant tomorrow, I would totally be ok with it.” Just for reference, that sentence is the exact opposite of what my usual thoughts have been on that subject matter since I was 16, or whatever the acceptable age is to have sex these days.

Other bestie – Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan from “30 Rock”

As far as I’m concerned, Tracy Jordan is the funniest character currently on television. His one liners literally make me laugh out loud, and if he were in my life I would most likely be afraid of dying on a regular basis from that feeling you get when you laugh so hard and so long that you can’t breathe. I would probably frequent more strip clubs as well.

I imagine Tracy Jordan, Juno and I will be like the three musketeers, like Ron, Harry and Hermione. When Joseph is off shooting movies with Leo Dicaprio, the three of us will hang out and do nothing all day. Tracy and Juno will purposely try to make me laugh as I spend my days attempting to conquer the milk challenge (chugging one gallon of milk in an hour), and even though milk will inevitably spray out my nostrils, I won’t even care because nothing is better than laughing with my wolf pack. With Tracy Jordan in my life, every week would be like Shark Week!

Landlord – Nicholas Cage as Nicholas Cage losing his shit on YouTube

I’ve never actually been yelled at by my landlord, but in movies it seems landlords are always portrayed as troubled souls, consistently pissed off and screaming at tenants to pay their rent. My dream landlord would be Nick Cage due largely to the fact that my all time favorite YouTube video is Nicholas Cage Losing His Shit. All Nick Cage does is scream and run around while his hair gets tousled back and forth until he looks like a coked out mad man, all day, every day. The man is guano crazy. I would purposely (and frequently) withhold my rent check a week or two past the first of the month just to get a glimpse of the crazed man in all his glory, disheveled hair and all.

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