Kat Von D and Jesse James Call Off Their Engagement, to the Absolute Surprise of Everyone on Earth

Streets of all of world’s major cities ring with tortured cries of, “If their love couldn’t make it, what chance do any of us have?”

Well, you went and did it this time, world. Kat Von D and Jesse James have broken up! Those two crazy, innocent kids gave us (the viewing public) their love—presented it to us, in all its dewy, spring-fresh glory, as lovely as a tiny baby unicorn taking its first steps on a cloud made of cotton candy that is also made of diamonds. But their love was too beautiful for this world. And now they’ve announced their split on Twitter, because that is definitely what adults who are grown-up enough for the institution of marriage do!

Who are these two mature, idealistic young people, who wanted only the pleasure of each other’s company for life, and cared not for fame or fortune? James was the host of “Monster Garage,” who was also at one time married to some sort of porn star, and also that woman who starred in “The Net.” Von D is the star of “L.A. Ink” and, despite everything else, has a make-up line for Sephora that is actually pretty good. The two started dating in August 2010, hot on the heels of James’s ultra-gross split from Sandra Bullock, which involved things like Neo-Nazi bikini models and other stuff that maybe made you barf a little bit into your CoffeeMate. James and Von D got engaged in January 2011, because we live in a country that affords more rights to the Vanilla Gorilla and his ladyfriend of four months, than we do to longtime same-sex couples who are with each other for reasons besides trying to develop a VH1 reality show called “Vanilla (Gorilla) Shot at Love.” Did you know that? It’s a fact, as that little girl on “Kids in the Hall” used to say.

And now, it is all over. How could these two people, who obviously had something so real, become just another statistic? James reports that their split is because of “distance,” but that doesn’t seem like it is answer enough. It’s almost as if, I don’t know, narcissism and an obsession with constantly being in the spotlight prevent people from being able to form the bonds that are the basis of actual human relationships. It really makes you think!

It makes you think things like, “Hey, I loved ‘Kids in the Hall’! I wonder what the little girl is doing now. She must be all grown up. I wonder if she grew up to be part of some weird fame-jerk fake marriage thing, too, only I don’t know about it, because it’s only in Canada? Maybe with one of the actors from ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark.’ That show was Canadian, right?” Or, “Wow, for someone who chose to be a pop culture reporter, this writer appears to dislike famous people.” Or, “Just like the way two wrongs don’t make a right, two childish, media-created human nightmares don’t make a cultural institution supposedly based on commitment, maturity, and thinking clearly about the future.” Take your time deciding which one you like best! It’s only Tuesday.

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