Britney Spears Fights Ex-Bodyguard Claims That She is Farty, Unshowered, and a Terrible Mother
America’s former sweetheart claims that she is not a stinky, depraved, abusive sex monster, despite an ex-bodyguard’s recent allegations to the contrary.
Noted dead-eyed pop-husk / “Till the World Ends” singer Britney Spears has been fighting off a lot of accusations from former bodyguard Fernando Flores lately. Some have been fairly serious, like claims that she is an abusive parent to her two young sons (a claim that the LA Department of Child and Family Services determined to be untrue). Others have been less serious but still count as legitimate legal issues, like the claim that she systematically sexually harassed Flores by basically acting like Peg Bundy around him. And now, we have reached the bottom of this pile of allegations. For now, we have arrived at Fartgate.
Included in Flores’s most recent batch of accusations—which focus on claims that Spears is a drug addict–are claims that Spears is also a fart addict. According to TMZ, Flores is accusing Spears of “farting incessantly,” picking her nose often, and rarely showering. Britney has, of course, denied all of these allegations, because, I mean, what can you do when someone holds a press conference to say that you are flatulent? I think that is a reoccurring nightmare I used to have at sleep-away camp.
I mean, I get it. We’re all supposed to hate Britney because she made us feel fat in middle school, or gave us uncomfortable boners in middle school, or is still richer than God even though she was clearly replaced by a robot five or six years back. I also get that the entire celebrity-industrial complex is held together by us, as a society, laughing at celebrities for daring to do things that the rest of us do five times a day (using the bathroom, eating at Chili’s, etc) because we are so angry that they are rich.
But there is something honestly a little heart-breaking to me about the fact that “fart allegations” can even exist as a thing. That’s not even something that almost everyone does, like drinking booze or whatever. Literally everyone is farting all day, every day. How can revealing that someone farts be part of your plan to “take” someone “down”? Has this guy never been on, oh, I don’t know, a crowded elevator? Also, are we moving backwards as a society, because wasn’t Cameron Diaz’s constant gassiness supposed to show how she was easy-going and likeable?
Anyway, I overall have no interest in Spears these days (I was too traumatized by her sad MTV special a few years back), but I think this is actually a great opportunity to turn the tide of public opinion in her favor and rally her fan base, if not expand it. This is an issue of personal freedom, right? Standards for women, standards for celebrities, standards for everybody have finally, definitively, gone too far. If farting is outlawed, only outlaws will fart. Who’s with me!?
Also, I would just like to note that, as someone who is no stranger to public humiliation—as someone whose personal history includes a police officer saying, “Well, if you’re so sober, can you tell me why you’re standing in the middle of the street without any shoes on?”—writing about Britney Spears’s farts on the internet, where it will be archived forever and my great-great-grand-robots will be able to read it, represents a new personal dignity-related low for me. I am sorry, great-great-grand-robots, and I forgive you in advance for changing your last names. Also, I am going to start selling “Fart Outlaw” t-shirts out of my Etsy shop, if you’re interested! Just kidding. I am going to sit here, stir some gin into my morning glass of nut milk, and quietly think about my childhood.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes