Chris Brown to Star in Film Adaptation of Steve Harvey’s “Think Like A Man” Dating Guide; I Know, I Can’t Believe I Just Typed That, Either

Chris Brown is re-inventing himself as a rom-com star, and Steve Harvey is happy to help.

I have some great news for you about that rom-com you’ve always wanted Chris Brown to have as a starring vehicle! It is happening! What? You know exactly what I’m talking about. All those times when we’ve stayed up all night drinking sake-bombs, sharing secrets, and you confided in me, “I really wish Chris Brown would star in an adaptation of a dating advice book, because he is truly the Drew Barrymore of our era. BUT ONLY if the book being adapted is really regressive and full of wisdom like: if you open your own car door instead of letting a man open it for you, you are basically doomed to die alone, on top of a pile of cats”?

Well, the day has arrived (I mean for the movie, not your wedding, Miss Look-At-Me-I-Can-Open-My-Own- Doors)! Brown will play a lead role, alongside Gabrielle Union, Taraji P. Henson, and others, in an adaptation of Steve Harvey’s 2009 New York Times bestselling book, Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment. And what do men really think about relationships? They think they need 100% more Chris Brown in them! That’s the only reasoning I can assume, anyway, for the head-scratching choice of placing a noted domestic abuser in the cast of a rom-com.

The movie, scheduled for release in April 2012, will follow the tried-and-true He’s Just Not That Into You mold of creating some relatable characters who learn lessons from the dating faux pas outlined in the book. Judging from Harvey’s book, one can only assume these lessons will include ones like: the world is full of “independent—and lonely—women” (as one section of the book is titled), and that women should wait 90 days into a relationship before they have sex with a man. I cannot wait to see the last one play out on film, personally. I mean, will they wait 90 days to have sex? Or not?! I have bought a special seat, so that I may spend the remaining time between now and the film’s release perched on the edge of it.

If you have been on the internet and/or the earth over the past few years, you (like me) may have some questions about the wisdom of this particular casting decision. I mean, Steve Harvey clearly understands things about my precious ladyflower that I can’t even admit to myself, so I implicitly trust his vision for a rom-com (note: no, he does not, and no, I do not). But Chris Brown… I can’t even make this into a joke. It’s not about whether we should be giving this guy a second chance to prove that he is not terrible (I mean, duh, we have given him a few chances already, and he hasn’t exactly been up to the job). This is about the absurd-bordering-on-surreal scenario of an admitted abuser starring in a movie that is marketed to women, based on a book about how women are unlucky in love because they are a leeeeetle too uppity. Am I taking crazy pills here? Is shutting up and accepting this kind of thing supposed to be part of acting like a lady? I think it suggests that there’s a much darker thread running through Harvey’s supposedly “harmless” retrograde dating advice. For all our sakes, I hope this movie bombs. If it doesn’t, you can address all future correspondence to me at my compound in Idaho, where I’ll be drinking turnip vodka and patiently awaiting the 2012 Mayan-pocalypse.

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