The Ins and Outs of Jersey Shore

With the fourth season debuting in August, the guidos and guidettes of Jersey Shore are still going strong. Now it’s time to find out who is behind this ridiculous show.

Disclaimer: I’m going to warn you right now, I’m not the Shore’s biggest fan. If you’re pro-Jersey, we’re probably not going to get along too well when it comes to this. Just a heads up.

Oh, New Jersey. I apologize.

This is long overdue and it’s on behalf of all Americans and media everywhere. I’m sorry. Between The Real Housweives and Jerseylicious, the reputation you have tried to sustain as not-disgusting-cousin-of-New-York has really taken a blow.

And then there’s the Holy Grail of shitty TV: Jersey Shore.

The shore itself is really rather beautiful. Many people elect to vacation there with good reason. It’s a perfect summer vacation spot. The show on the other hand sparked gag reflexes of Italian-Americans across the nation and inspired oompa loompas everywhere to come out of hiding and join their fellow orange, nugget-sized tri-state area residents. I dare you to find at least six people who don’t know about the eight obnoxious cast mates (well, there’s seven and one interchangeable one, so we’ll accept Angelina and Deena as an answer for the last one. Bonus points if they provide both answers).

Actually no, don’t waste your time. It’s nearly impossible.

The show has been running since December 2009 and is going to be airing its fourth season in August. Previews have already started running on MTV and die-hard fans are preparing themselves for the majestic sight of Snooki crashing an Italian police car and similar shenanigans. Some have run to the network’s website and watched reruns on the computer of all three seasons while others have just elected to buy the “uncensored and uncut” DVD version. Which is the exact same thing as the regular show except there’s no bleeps. And we can all guess what words are being bleeped anyway, so that’s really a pointless buy.

For those dying for a sneak peek, here’s a few spoilers:

Snooki’s got a new boyfriend. His name is Jionni and his existence is as unnecessary as the random “i” placed in the beginning of his name. (Side note: if you want to be authentic when it comes to Italian spelling, the ‘J’ would turn into a ‘Gi’. There is no ‘Ji’.) Then again, he seems like the world’s VIP in comparison to Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who is as douche-tastic as ever this season. Supposedly, Snooki has cheated on Jionni with a fellow cast member and in a completely unexpected turn of events, Jionni is going to Florence to visit her. Mike, being the asshole he is, decides that he is going to tell on Snooki.

Long story short, they all go to a club where a few hours later Jionni (an aspiring teacher, by the way) runs away down the street, presumably in a fit of rage about Snooki’s infidelity. Snooki runs after him, but alas, the poor little meatball in her high heels has no chance of catching him. Jionni disappears into the night like Batman and Snooki collapses onto the sidewalk in a fit of tears.

My favorite part is the producer, SallyAnn Salsano, who is sprinting after her, yelling at the camera crew to “Run, bitches!” and is intent on capturing every little bit of the infant-sized alcoholic’s misery on tape. Once Snooki curls up in a little ball of woe on the Florentine sidewalk, the only thing that can be heard over her wails are the jubilant cries of SallyAnn: “We got it! We got the whole fucking thing!”

I’m not kidding, that’s how she talks.

Now we should probably address this a little bit. Jersey Shore is ridiculous enough, but behind every awful idea, there is a mastermind. In this case, it is SallyAnn.

SallyAnn, or ‘SA’, who openly calls the cast “Fucking retards” (supposedly in a humorous way), is singlehandedly responsible for bringing the fame mongers to the world of basic cable. According to this article, Matthew Harrigan an analyst for Wunderlich Securities said before Jersey, MTV was becoming “somewhat passé—a child of the ‘80s.” And he’s right. MTV was definitely losing its edge. Let’s be honest, The Real World gets very old very quickly. Especially now that they’re repeating cities. What MTV needed was a revamped show which was brought to them in the form of artificially tan 20 and 30 year olds wearing far too much Ed Hardy.

SA was the original Snooki. She looked, dressed, acted and obviously speaks in the same professional and intelligent manner. And, like Snooki, she was a failure at everything before this attempt to brutally murder whatever good reputation New Jersey was sustaining. She got her first big break in television by drunk-dialing Sally Jessy Raphael and asking for a college internship, which is proof that the world works wonders sometimes. She had a few golden years in her before 2008ish where two shows she was working on with her production company failed miserably. Jersey was her last hope.

We all know it skyrocketed, but it took a little bit of persuasion to get there. For example, the entire state of New Jersey was against this. Every city refused to let her tape except for Seaside Heights. She was quoted as saying, “If it hadn’t been for Seaside Heights, we wouldn’t have a show.”

Oh come on, Seaside!

Then there was the fact that many advertisers were boycotting the show. Domino’s and Dell Computers hate the way the show depicts Italian-Americans as ignorant and vulgar. Understandable because on Jay Leno, The Situation genuinely couldn’t tell you what year America gained its independence from Britain and Snooki thought Reagan’s “Tear down this wall!” comment referred to the Denver Dam. So. Yeah.

Even though the show brings in outrageous amounts of revenue now, when asked about the haters, SA says, “It was insane; I did not expect it. I was like, ‘Why are they so mad?’ If you look at the credits on the show, it’s all Italian kids from the East Coast. This is our heritage; this was us as teens.”

LIES. LIES LIES LIES. Alright, let me tell you something: I am an Italian-American. I know I don’t look like it, but the blonde hair in that picture up there is naturally a dark brown, however I’m incredibly tricky and deceiving. I am also a teenager. I am from the East Coast/tri-state area. I obviously curse like a sailor, but that’s where the similarities end. I promise. I am sure as all fuck nothing like the Jersey Shore cast. None of my family members act like that, nor do friends of mine who share the heritage.

Joining the Italian-Americans, Domino’s and Dell in vocalizing disgust are the producers. In one taping, Deena crawls into a suitcase, trying to sleep, while JWoww gets on all fours, searching frantically for something. The dialogue off stage?

Producer 1: “What is she looking for?”

Producer 2: “Her dignity.”

Jersey Shore has boosted these people into households everywhere. Every cast member has an obscene amount of money and some form of side projects: spinoffs, clothing lines, endorsement deals, you name it. It’s enough to make your head spin. There are many questions: why is this show still going on? Why are people still hooked? Why hasn’t Italy thrown them out of the country yet? Why am I still talking about it?

Maybe while she’s down there, JWoww can find me some answers for me.

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