Zooey Deschanel vs. L.A. Times: Snobby Cow Will Prevail!

Actress Zooey Deschanel supposedly belittles downtown Los Angeles and Los Angeles Times reporter Patt Morrison is pissed.

It seems that the ongoing battle between the press and the celebrities has heightened for Zooey Deschanel and the Los Angeles Times. As if it wasn’t hard enough being a highly successful actress/musician, now she has to be subjected to name-calling?? How dare they!

The mudslinging began when the 500 Days of Summer celeb attended a gala in honor of Prince William and [insert “Princess” or “Duchess of Cambridge” title here depending on how into fairytales you are] Kate at the Belasco Theatre. To those unfamiliar with L.A., the Belasco Theatre is located in downtown Los Angeles. To those unfamiliar with downtown Los Angeles, it’s the part that, according to recent press, is not pretty enough for Deschanel. Supposedly, she said to Claudia Puig of USA Today, “I just don’t want them to see the worst of L.A.”

Oh. Oooh. Oh no she didn’t.

As you can imagine, with a quote like that, Zooey came off like an incredibly elitist celebrity. That was mistake number one. Mistake number two, however, was that she came off like an incredibly elitist celebrity to a reporter.

I mean come on, Summer. Rookie move.

Obviously word got around because us journalists can’t keep our mouths shut, as is our job, and word reached Patt Morrison. This woman immediately took up her armor and became The Champion of Downtown, writing “Downtown L.A.: Good enough for the royals, but not for Zooey Deschanel?” Her furious computer proclaimed in angry default Times New Roman that Deschanel was a “snobby cow”.

Ooohhh. Burn. Gottem.

Not only did Morrison insult Deschanel, but she insulted her in a British-esque style, which makes it even worse. (I say this because I’ve never heard anyone in America insult someone in such a proper manner. Normally it’s a different female animal instead of “cow,” but I can envision the Queen saying it, can’t you?)

So, okay, picture this: you’re Zooey Deschanel. You wake up in the morning next to your indie rock husband Ben Gibbard. You walk over to the window to view the beautiful-not-downtown parts of Los Angeles and the beach and some birds flying off into the sunrise where there is a glorious Skittles-like rainbow chilling out on the horizon. It’s lovely. You go shower, sing some new She & Him songs and meander on downstairs for a magical cup of coffee made by a personal chef. On the table is an open copy of the Los Angeles Times your assistant’s assistant was reading. You scan the articles for your name because you’re incredibly important and…what the hell?!

Naturally you must clear your good name, right? Which is exactly what she did. Deschanel proceeded to become The Champion of Zooey, proclaiming in an open letter in angry not-default Lucida Calligraphy (it’s an Important Person font), “I am completely and utterly shocked that a professional journalist, whom I have never met, would take a partial quote out of context and use it as the basis for a misguided personal attack. Further, I find it appalling that you would resort to name-calling to get your point across.

“The character you’ve created of ‘me’ is actually pretty funny. I don’t kow who this person is, but is seems as if you’ve borrowed her from the Susan Lucci repertoire.”

Why isn’t this on Pay Per View yet?

Zooey said, of course, that what she said was taken out of context. She “loves downtown L.A.” In fact, I’m surprised that she wasn’t pissed Patt was trying to take her Champion of Downtown title. That’s how much she loves it, okay? Let me be clear, she loves downtown L.A.

Loves. Loves loves loves.

She continued to say that she thought it was funny that the royals attended an event next to a trash-filled parking lot.

Which she loves, by the way. She loves the parking lot. And the trash. And the trash/parking lot combination. It’s artsy. She loves it. Loooooooves it.

And famous people love other famous people almost as much as Zooey loves downtown L.A.. Famous people jumped to their fellow famous person’s defense on Twitter, the boxing ring of all social media. In an effort to stay relevant, Jonah Hill, who’s famous because of Superbad and some other movie wherein Diddy played the part of a music producer who bitches all the time(…so himself…), said, “@JonahHill You’re not the only one! Half the stuff I said last night was taken completely out of context.”

Miranda Lambert said “@Miranda_Lambert Whoever messes with @therealzooeyd will get their A$$ kicked ML style! We know people ”

That doesn’t matter too much because Patt Morrison doesn’t want to venture into Miranda Lambert’s southern territory, all she really wants to do is stay in L.A.. Downtown L.A.. Which she loves more than Zooey, so take that!

Want to know what’s funny? This whole thing started with Claudia Puing being a gossip whore. But Zooey and Patt ignore that entirely.

Now stepping back and analyzing everything, we can plainly see where Morrison went wrong: she didn’t do her homework. If you’re going to blast someone, Patt, do it with a disclaimer! Zooey’s totally familiar with those. Watch 500 Days of Summer; Marc Webb avoided a lot of trouble by putting one in the beginning of the movie. This is a learning experience. In future stories just say, “Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you, Zooey Deschanel. Bitch.”

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