Brad and Angie Getting Married Because Their Spawn Demands It.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are adhering to the wishes of their children and will reportedly get married within the next few months.

According to the Queen of Pop Culture Bullshit, Perez Hilton, it seems Brad and Angie have decided to become man and wife. That’s right, Brangelina is tying the knot.

I don’t feel like celebrating this but that’s probably because I’m still bitter about what they both did to Jennifer Aniston, and as a diehard Friends fanatic, the wound still hasn’t fully healed. But then again, I suppose weddings are supposed to be happy things, so I’ll put that aside for a little bit. I should also probably remind myself that I have no personal ties to anyone involved.

Alright, so they’re getting married. But why? Not that I’m saying they need a particular reason except for loving each other or whatever, but after six years together living in blissful sin, I’m just wondering what sparked the decision. According to Perez, who heard it from “sources” who heard it from USA Today back in May, who heard it from Brad, “the kids ask about marriage. It’s meaning more and more to them.”

They can assign a child to each year they’ve been together, actually. At the last head count, it was Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Vivienne and Knox. That’s six little voices telling you to get married.

Now there have been reports of them Punk’ing the public before Ashton Kutcher-style with this whole wedding thing. Brangelina fans have waited breathlessly for the nuptials, and although rumors have surfaced, they’ve always been a no-go. I think they might be fucking with us again because neither has starred in a decent movie in forever and they might just be bored.

No one knows when or where it’s happening, kind of like Judgment Day, but there have been speculations of course. Fox News, who cares about this for some reason, think it’s going to happen in “the couple’s newly-renovated Chateau Miraval in Correns, southeastern France”, which sounds fancy enough for a celebrity wedding. The report goes on to say that Brangie has “said they don’t want to marry until everyone can—gay or straight”. Meh, once New York said it was okay, that was good enough I guess. I think they should go all out and have six weddings, one for every country their children were born in. This way it’s festive, cultured, and legally binding all over the world.

I also want to hear him say, “Take thee Rachel” at the altar. Because that would be hilarious.

Comments