Libya Lohan: Combining the Two Most Important News Stories

There’s a war in Libya. There’s a war on and off the court(room) for Lindsay Lohan. What better way to address the two most important news stories of our time than by combining them into the ultimate media juggernaut, a superhero for our times: Libya Lohan. Think Qaddafi in heels. Think Mean Girls if the high school in that film was an oil-rich Arab dictatorship, instead of, well, a regular high school. Perhaps Chicks with Dics, dics as in dictators. Which has nothing to do with dick taters, appearing as a side dish in select adult-themed fast food restaurants across America.

The name’s Libya Lohan, but you can call me Libby. Women’s libby. Scooter Libby. Mad libs. Mad libs Lohan. Sounds like a gangster in a Raymond Chandler novel. Libya Lohan is a power couple. A perfect marriage of real news and entertainment news. One minute she’s being attacked by a coalition of allied forces to ensure the protection of civilians, the next minute she’s stealing necklaces and doing shots. This dictator’s a chick. A chicktator if you will. Which has nothing to do with chicken taters, appearing in select regular fast food restaurants across America.

Why are we at war with Libya? Oh, in order to preserve life, Liberace, and the pursuit of happyness. No, that’s not a typo, the Will Smith movie, not the state of being.

Back to Libya Lohan. Her sisters name? Ali Lohan. Muhammad Ali Lohan. Throw in some al’s for good measure. al-Hussein. al-Qaddafi. al-Roker. Libya Lohan is a force to be reckoned with. She may have fallen from grace according to the general public, but she does have her loyal band of followers. Libya Lohan and her band of merry men. Isn’t that a folktale? No, I guess I’m thinking of Lohansel and Gretel. Oh, you don’t know that one? It’s the one where the two kids stay up all night railing lines of coke with the witch and then they decide to bake crack. You’ve never cooked crack? Well you can now with the Eazy-E Bake oven coming to select adult-themed children stores near you.

Free Lohan? Free Libya? Free Libya Lohan. Libya Lohan’s career appears to be over. But perhaps al-Lohan can surrender herself to the 12 step program. The first step to recovery is admitting your a dictator. I think the next step would be to apologize to all the people you hurt because of your addiction. Addictator. Perhaps the big problem with this whole thing is that Libya Lohan needs to realize she’s Addictator and that she’s powerless and can no longer be an Addictator. Libya Lohan thinks she can go bowling like everything is okay. Maybe Michael Moo Cow Moore can make a documentary about Libya Lohan: Bowling for Concubines.

Addiction isn’t funny. But diction can be if used properly. Dictatorships are no laughing matter. But taters can be delicious if sauced properly. Libya Lohan is a great figure and should be exploited accordingly. Just remember kids with one space freedom becomes Free Dom, and we all know Dom should stay in jail. Piece and Love. Pie Pie now.

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