Who Thought A ‘Spider-Man’ Musical Was A Good Idea?
Who thought a Spider-Man musical was a good idea? What idiot green-lighted this project? This seriously has to be the worst idea anybody in the entertainment industry has ever thought of. A superhero musical should never even have seen the light of day. Musicals are already the worst artistic medium. Yeah, I said it. The worst artistic medium. There’s no such thing as a good musical. The type of singing in musicals is very distinct from other singing, and I personally think the style was forged in the pits of hell by whatever evil being was responsible for Adolf Hitler and Barry Manilow. As if musical singing isn’t bad enough, U2 did the score! U2! The first truly horrible popular rock band (not counting Bruce Springstreen as a band). U2 and musicals. It’s like God created the Spider-Man musical just to piss me off.
Oh yeah, and Julie Taymor. To make this project even more evil, Julie Taymor, the woman responsible for the artistic tragedy that was Across the Universe, was the director of this project. Taymor is no longer on the project. That’s a good first positive step! That’s like admitting you have a problem as an alcoholic. Now let’s get this musical some help. Okay first thing, get rid of all the music. That’s right. Make it a play! A Spider-Man play! That sounds terrible, but not nearly as bad as a goddamn Spider-Man musical.
I’m not done with you Julie Taymor. Across the Universe was not just disrespectful to The Beatles music, it was disrespectful to John Lennon. I can’t believe Yoko Ono was cool with it. It’s not like we need to cover songs in order to preserve them. This isn’t the 19th century where we have to play piano, or go to the concert hall to hear music. WE HAVE THE F*CKING RECORDINGS. Why would anyone want to listen to a Beatles cover? A Beatles musical cover? Artistic evil has never seen such a pure manifestation as in Across the Universe. Julie Taymor might be the sweetest nicest person in real life, but after exploiting The Beatles and making a mockery of their music, she should never have work in the arts again. It’s oh so fitting that this project, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, is doomed. Retribution. Artistic retribution.
As I said in one of my first articles for this lovely newspaper, the delay of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark is a good omen. I’m sorry that guy got injured doing a stunt, but other than that this musical deserves all of the negative press and trouble it has encountered. Farewell Taymor.
Musical theater is a deadly sin. Let us all repent and watch Jersey Shore.
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