Who Wants To See A Jane Eyre Movie?

Who wants to see a Jane Eyre movie? Mia Wasikowska plays Jane Eyre in a new adaptation of the “classic” novel. I’m an English major, but honestly I really don’t see the big deal about Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. It’s not nearly as terrible as sister Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights, but that’s not saying much. Maybe it’s just me but from all of my studies I feel like there was Shakespeare, and then British literature went back to the dark ages until the 20th century. Feel free to yell at me in the comments if you disagree. However, I think it’s kind of cool that this book is still relevant, even if I think it kind of sucks.

Mia Wasikowska seems like a pretty cool actress. I liked her in Alice in Wonderland, even though the movie was pretty awful, and she was good in The Kids Are Alright. I’m sure she’ll be great in Jane Eyre. But I really don’t think good acting can save the actual story of Jane Eyre from being just as boring as a Yom Kippur temple service (Jewish service that lasts around 8 hours). The only thing that a Jane Eyre film has going for it over a Yom Kippur service is if I see Jane Eyre I’ll have to be bored for two hours sitting down, whereas at Yom Kippur I’d be bored for 8 hours standing up and my feet would hurt. Will Jane Eyre be painfully boring? Will I ever go to temple again? Will any Jews call me out for committing blasphemy with this article?

I’ve always been against pretending. I’m not going to pretend to appreciate the artistic merit of Jane Eyre to appear well-read, and I won’t pretend to have reverence for a Jewish holiday that doesn’t mean anything to me. Why all the talk about Judaism? Well, I’ve realized since I started writing this column that I seem to relate everything back to Judaism or food. Sometimes both if you’re lucky.

If Jane Eyre was home fries at a diner, it’d be the stringy kind. You know, the kind where you feel like yeah it’s home fries, but not the kind you like to eat. I guess the only way to make Jane Eyre taste good is to add lots of ketchup. I’m not sure where I could go with this analogy. Maybe the ketchup you need to enjoy the new Jane Eyre film is psychedelic drugs? That might be a bad trip though. It’s funny because I can imagine that some people took mushrooms or acid and went to see Alice in Wonderland. Well, let’s continue the tradition of taking psychedelics and seeing Mia Wasikowska movies! Who’s up for a few tabs and Jane Eyre? That might make for an interesting movie review: Yeah Jane Eyre was red with purple flashes man. Great movie.

19th Century British Literature excites my mind as much as watching episodes of the show Roseanne excites me sexually. That said, I’m sure Mia Wasikowska will do a fine job as Jane Eyre. But the question still remains: who wants to see a Jane Eyre Movie?

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