What Happened to Lil’ Jon?: An Existential Crisis Solved
Lil’ Jon. I don’t know why, but the other night when I was hanging out up in my sister’s room, I was hit with a burning question that tore at the very fabric of my twisted soul: What happened to Lil’ Jon? If I let my passionate nature get the best of me, I would have obtained a 7-gram rock of cocaine to bang and keep me awake until the library opened. I would then have stormed over to the library and begun to sort through the microfiche and the microfilm in search of the whereabouts of one microjon. I would look through old copies of the Source magazine, and Vibe, looking for clues to no avail.
I would have to dig deeper. I’d contact a series of shady figures. There’d be a girl. A French girl. “Ou est le petite Jean?” We would run through the streets of Paris putting up posters, making new contacts. Black market connections. The seedy underbelly of Paris. A cafe. Making love in a field. Taking black and white pictures in a photo booth.
I’d awake one night to the French girl whispering in my ear, “all that we know is that we know nothing.” The words keep playing over and over in my head. They start to play backwards. I realize I’ve been drugged or I’ve fallen in love with some kind of demon. I blackout.
I’d wake up to the piercing cold of an ice bath. They took my kidney! Damn the black market connections! Damn the girl! What was I thinking? I can’t believe I thought it was love! How did I wind up in France? What is the meaning of life? Did Lil Jon go back to the Hood with Robin? Lil’ Jon Riding Hood? Does that make me the big bad wolf? Three blind mice. Three Six Mafia. What does this all mean?
Then it hit me: I totally forgot about Wikipedia! Right as I come to this realization the entire duration of this journey rewinds before my eyes. I’m back in the field with the French girl. I can see now that she was always working for them. That whore. The microfiche. The microfiche! Where did I manage to get cocaine in Basking Ridge, New Jersey at three in the morning? Oh true, I just walked to the basketball courts in my condo development. But that doesn’t matter now.
I’m back in front of my computer in my sister’s room and I open Wikipedia. At last! My beloved Lil’ Jon. Where art thou Lil’ Jon? It is I. Sam Deutsch. The Duke of Puke. No Puke is a real dukedom I swear. You haven’t heard that old British adage: When you’ve had to much London, you go to Puke? Mais Lil’ Jon. Rosebud. El Dorado. Valhalla. Who are my influences? Orson. No, not Welles. The cartoon pig from Garfield and friends. Jon. At last. Where have you gone Lil’ Jon?
Alas, his last album did not fare as well as his previous releases. Why did you not put out an album from 2004 to 2010? I still have questions left answered microjon. His last album only sold 14,000 copies. That’s still good for an average musician, but Lil’ Jon! Why has the American public forgotten you? I dearly miss your endearing “yeahs,” whats,” and “okays.” But then a twist to the story. I open up Google Entertainment News at the stroke of midnight on March 8th in the year of our lord 2011 and I find you in my life again.
Lil’ Jon is slated to appear on Celebrity Apprentice 2011! Huzzah!
It’s not over though. I look up from my computer and see the French girl behind me in the mirror. Am I hallucinating? Has this all been a dream? We stare at each other through the mirror without speaking and the scene fades to black. Cue awful French rendition of Louis Armstrong’s As Time Goes By. Credits. Fin.
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