Venus Williams Sings Karaoke on 311 Cruise? Justice
Venus Williams sang some karaoke on a 311 cruise. Accordingly, she will answer to the Universal Taste Tribunal in the Supreme Court of the Musical Elite. The following is a fictionalized account of the court proceedings with a clear moral message. Read if you dare:
Judge Pudge: Will the defendant please rise? Miss Williams you are being convicted of several crimes against humanity. The first is a charge of second degree karaoke singing. The second charge is a charge of third degree singing karaoke to 311. The third charge is a charge of fourth degree singing karaoke to 311 on a cruise. The fourth charge is a charge of fifth degree singing karaoke to 311 on a 311 cruise. Oh, and the fifth charge is a sixth degree charge of just being on a 311 cruise. How do you plead Miss Williams?
Venus Williams: This is ridiculous Judge Pudge. I demand justice. I did nothing wrong. What happened to the freedom to sing karaoke to whatever band one desires to sing to? What happened to the Karaoke Act of 1994? What about the Karaoke constitution? Hast thou forsaken the basis of musical freedom this country was built upon? Can’t a girl just let loose and sing along to some 311?
Judge Pudge: Miss Williams you cannot comprehend the gravity of your actions.
Venus Williams: But Judge Pudge? What did I do wrong?
Judge Pudge: Well first I will address your citations of the Karaoke Act of 1994, and the Karaoke constitution. The Karaoke Act of 1994 was amended to only include 90s dance songs. If you had chosen to sing “What is Love baby don’t hurt me,” or “I know what I want and I want it now” your crimes would not be as serious. And even if you did choose to sing a 90s dance song Miss Williams, you are fully aware that karaoke was outlawed 3 years ago. Just because your 311 cruise was in international waters, does not mean you have your own laws. Secondly, the only individuals who are allowed to even listen to 311 are middle school boys. And they are supposed to feel ashamed when doing so. You’re a grown woman Miss Williams. You will be held accountable for your crimes.
Venus Williams: This is unfair Judge Pudge. If I’m being tried for crimes against humanity then surely my sister Serena deserves to be prosecuted for tweeting about her love of Green Day.
Judge Pudge: Oh Venus, don’t worry about that. She’s already on the list.
Venus Williams: What list? Judge Pudge! This is evil. You dastardly dog!
Judge Pudge: Oh my darling Venus. Sweet sweet Venus. We at the Universal Taste Tribunal have a long list of celebrities who have committed musical offenses. We will not hesitate to prosecute them all in due time. However, you will be made an example of. 311 Venus? Seriously? Couldn’t it have been Sublime? White reggae rap rock will not be tolerated from this day forth. March 8th 2011 will go down in history as The Day White Reggae Rap Rock died.
Venus Williams: Say it ain’t so Judge Pudge. You crumb bun. You, you, you elitist! Do you align yourself with the hipsters?
Judge Pudge: Oh my delicate Venus. The hipsters are in fact the worst offenders. You will have a chance at rehabilitation. The hipsters will not.
Venus Williams: Well thank God for that Judge Pudge. At least I’m not a hipster.
Judge Pudge: That’s true Venus. When us normal individuals go through an especially harrowing and difficult time in life, we can always remind ourselves, “at least I’m not a hipster.” I can already see you’re on the road to recovery. Perhaps I will go easy on your punishment.
Venus Williams: Oh thank you Judge Pudge. Oh thank you thank you. From this day forth I will never listen to 311 again. I will atone for my past musical sins. I will become a new woman.
Judge Pudge: Let us hope Venus. We can only hope.
Judge Pudge (to the audience): The fate of music lies in your hands. You may think it okay to break the law once. Then twice. But you will wind up on a downward spiral that can lead to something like what this young woman, one Venus Williams, experienced. It could happen to you. Or you. Or you. *Judge Pudge looks deep into your eyes through the screen of your computer* End scene.
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