‘Teen Mom’ Dad Gary Shirley To Lose Weight Fat People Outraged and Sad

Teen Mom’s Gary Shirley has reportedly hired a trainer and is reportedly trying to lose weight. Fat people across America are saddened and feel betrayed by Gary’s desire to switch teams. However, a minority of fat people are for Gary Shirley losing weight as there will be more food. What side to pick? I’m not sure. I guess it’s a glass half empty-half full situation.

But there is hope for the majority of angered fat people. Apparently Gary is going on the Subway diet. This is a good sign. The Subway diet is the food equivalent of switching from crack cocaine to regular cocaine. Look on the bright side America, Gary will still be eating subs. Analysis? It means he’s not entirely ready to quit the team after all. It’d be one thing if Gary was eating healthy subs occasionally. But the fact that he’s committing himself to eating a lot of subs by going on the Subway diet shows that his heart is still in being fat. And that makes me smile.

Gary Shirley is an American hero. And if we have to redefine what is attractive in a sexual partner in order to keep Gary Shirley fat, well bring it on world. Bring it on.

Oh, and in other news Amber has signed on to play the title character in a live action remake of Babe. That’ll do pig. That’ll do.

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