Tiger Woods, Robert Pattinson, Megan Fox, Glenn Beck: 2009 in Review

As 2009 draws to a close, let me take a moment to reflect on some of the essential celebrity stories that helped turn this year into one we’ll never, ever forget…

Hmm, let’s see… uh…wait a sec…damn…I’m forgetting…

Just do it!…and by ‘it’ I mean every whore from here to Tuskalooga

Oh yes, Tiger Woods banged a bunch of chicks and got caught by his wife, who then proceeded to attack him with his own 9 iron…or was it a 7 iron? Later on Woods awoke in a strange hospital in an ambien haze and a rash on his crotch. Ever since then, we’ve been a nation in vigil, wating for any scrap of Tiger related news as if it were manna from the gods, or amyl nitrate sniffed out of a crack whore’s crack.

I’m still less of a dog than Khloe!

Kourtney Kardashian got pregnant, and subsequently squished out a baby lizard. I hear it’s currently in talks with E! to star in its own reality series – “Crawling Around In The Dirt With Reptor Kardashian, The Baby Lizard That Squished Out Of One Of The Ugly Kardsashian Sister’s Hoo Hahs”. Personally, I think the proposed title is a bit long.

Beam me up Scotty!

A portal to another dimension opened up over the skies of Norway, and no one seemed to care.

Did I mention Tiger Woods banged a bunch of chicks? Did you know one of them was a cougar, and a couple of them like totally do porn and shit?

Tori Spelling still has a face like a baboon’s ass, but fortunately she’s reconciled with her mother, who also happens to have a face like a baboon’s ass. For the record, Aaron Spelling ALSO had a face like a baboon’s ass.

The Baboon Bunch!

New Moon was released, and captured the imagination of millions of frustrated housewives. I tell you, middle aged women across the land haven’t gotten this slippery in their pants since the heyday of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Out with the old and in with the new

Oh, and Robert Pattinson still sucks…

What am I missing?

Uh, Rihanna got her face pummelled, along with that dwarf-y, pickle suckling chick from “The Jersey Shore”. Kanye West interrupted Squinty McGhee at MTV’s VMA awards, Megan Fox talked repeatedly out of the other side of her taint, and Levi Johnston DIDN’T whip out his micro phallus for Playgirl, despite months of speculation in the press that he would. Yes, this was news…

Michael Jackson croaked, along with Bea Arthur, Billy Mays, David Carradine, John Hughes, Farrah Fawcett and Karl Malden. That last one came as a real shock to me, as I thought that old fossil died like 15 years ago.

Weren’t you dead?

Tila Tequila desperately tried to remain relevant to the conversation by conjuring up allegations that she was abused. When that didn’t work, she took to the Internets to babble incoherently and play with a tampon dangling from her twat. When that didn’t work she declared her engagement and undying love to some batshit loony disinherited lesbian heiress that no one gives half a rat’s ass about. Turns out the Mogwai skank had some of the more substantial stories to come out of 2009.

BRIGHT LIGHT!!…BRIGHT LIGHT!!!

Meghan McCain acted like a whore on her twitter, and then became indignant about her whoreish-ness. This just proves my theory about twitter – only indignant whores use it.

John Gosselin pushed his magna douchery into interstellar overdrive, so much so that the fires of imbecile-ity eventually consumed him leaving him broke as a spoke with a closet full of Ed Hardy shirts reeking of Canoe and B.O. Speaking of broke, Nic Cage also lost all his money, and his head went from just looking like a gigantic, mutant pineapple, to actually turning into a gigantic, mutant pineapple. As a result, he’s taking meetings with the good people over at Dole. They’re thinking about…you guessed it…a reality show.

Gotta get some of that Dole money!

Glenn Beck simpered, slobbered and bawled his way to the top of the conservative heap this year, endearing himself to the mental midget majority. Who knew Republicans were so sensitive? Maybe if Pelosi shed a few tears, or Obama’s voice quivered and got all misty, maybe then they’d stop being such obstructionist scum bags. I just find it ironic that they’ve got a leader in Glenn Beck about as masculine as Adam Lambert, and yet they keep up with the whole anti-gay crap. I guess it shouldn’t be that big a shock though, after all, they ARE really into Tea Bagging.

Crying Jag-off

Finally, we got to see the following sluts naked:

Rihanna, Ashley Greene, Tila Tequila, Audrina Partridge, Levi Johnston (minus is teeny ween), Vanessa Hudgens, The boring chick from sex and the city, Carrie Prejean, possibly Meg White, and Miley Cyrus… well not yet, but you just know she’s next.

Oh yeah… Did I mention that Tiger Woods totally banged like a bunch of chicks?