The Faster Times &#187; Fame

Obama Birth Certificate Fake? Tom Cruise More Important

Rick Ross God Forgives I Don’t Review

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The Cheating Saga: What Breaking Up Would Mean For Breaking Dawn

Leah Sikora — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 20:05:37 +0000

How the controversial tryst might endanger the film’s success and the actress’s career.

If ever there was a reason to not do the whole office romance thing, the fallout after Kristen Stewart’s cheating scandal with Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders is it. Let’s face it, these things are messy—especially when the boyfriend she cheated on is her Twilight Saga co-star Robert Pattinson. Could KStew’s dalliance damage her film career?

In the wake of this publicity nightmare, it’s easy to imagine the folks over at Summit Entertainment (the studio responsible for The Twilight Saga), Universal (responsible for Snow White and the Huntsman), and Stewart’s agent in a state of collective, head-between-the-knees panic. The November release date of Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is only months away and that means that KStew and RPattz will be on the road together for the publicity tour. In this post-scandal state of awkwardness, it’s hard to imagine this prospect without cringing.

In addition, there are rumors that Universal’s Snow White and the Huntsman sequel has been put on hold, though E! Online reported, “today the studio isn’t commenting on its status.” Summit Entertainment has also not yet commented on the scandal’s damaging potential to the success of Breaking Dawn: Part 2.

Meanwhile, Stewart has been raked through the coals on the twittersphere by disappointed fans. Could her lusty indiscretion and a possible break-up with Robert Pattinson cause the film to tank in November?

Some choice tweets regarding the scandal include:

“Emily Jensen Houston: Can’t watch #breaking dawn now because Kristen Stewart has ruined my life #nbd”

“Vicky ☮: I’m kind of shocked that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert with that guy. like, it makes no sense. The guy is FUGLY. #disappointed”

“Kristen Stewart fan: I’m with my family in a BBQ. Let’s go out and pretend to be happy, I will cry when I’m home.”

“Rebecca Silverstein: My sentiments exactly. RT @Lorena_yellow the whole kristen stewart news #wow #shocked #wtf #MyWholeLifeIsALie”

“Sean Geary: Fuck Kristen Stewart, a cheater is only sorry when they get caught, other than that they would keep doing it, “I love Rob”, Shut up you slut”

“IWontGiveUpOnRobsten: IWontGiveUpOnRobsten <- I JUST CHANGED MY PROFILE NAME TO THIS! WE SHOULD ALL CHANGE OUR ANAME TO THAT!DO IT IF U WANT!”

“Hope Prophett: Was so excited for november to watch twilight, but now bellas cheated on Edward the whole things ruined! #kristencheats”

“RobKristenisluv: I KNOW that these allegations about Kristen are just rumors. Why? My heart & mind are telling me so. Trust your instincts. #Robsten forever”

Photo Credit: http://cdn01.cdn.justjared.com/wp-content/uploads/headlines/2012/07/robert-pattinson-kristen-stewart-hotel-cafe-couple.jpg

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Lloyd Banks – V6: The Gift, A Victory for Rap’s Old Guard

Sam Deutsch — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 05:40:11 +0000

Lloyd Banks just released his latest mixtape, V6: The Gift. After one listen all the way through, it’s clear why Lloyd Banks was once 50 Cent’s wingman. He’s always entertaining regardless of what beat he’s rapping over. V6: The Gift is a victory for rap’s Old Guard. No matter how hungry Banks sounds on V6, which is a testament to his prowess as a rapper, Banks cemented his status on the initial string of mixtapes released by 50 Cent under the G-Unit moniker. If you’re reading this article and you’ve never heard 50 Cent is the Future, Automatic Gunfire, God’s Plan, and No Mercy No Fear, go to DatPiff.com immediately and download these tapes. Lloyd Banks on these four classic tapes was an intricate part in the forming of one of the three groups that would make up the Old Guard: G-Unit. Along with D-Block and Dipset these groups dominated rap music for a period of time from 2003-2006. Although Dipset came to prominence earlier, and D-Block much earlier, these three years, 2003-2006, saw the dominance of all three groups in what will be seen in years to come as rap’s true golden era. Lloyd Banks’ V6: The Gift is a throwback to a time when simpler gangsta rap dominated the charts. As usual, Banks is at his best over the soul beats on the tape that go against the current trend of dark menacing beats. There are also a few of those dark menacing beats on the tape, but the fact that it’s Banks rapping over them makes them less sinister. Lloyd Banks is a thug, sure, but his music is like rap’s equivalent of comfort food. V6 is a welcome sign that the Old Guard is still alive and well. Maybe the best track on V6 is Chosen Few featuring Jadakiss. Jadakiss sums up the mood of the entire mixtape when he dedicates the track “for those not here, for those still here, G-Unit D-Block.” G-Unit and D-Block together would be unheard of a few years ago. The fact that Vado, Cam’ron’s protégé, is featured on another track on the tape is worth noting. Could it be that Lloyd Banks’ V6: The Gift is the first official mixtape featuring members of G-Unit, D-Block, and Dipset? If it’s just a coincidence, it’s a coincidence worth noticing.

The best thing for hip-hop and the Old Guard right now would be a consolidation of power. G-Unit, D-Block, and Dipset should join to become one entity. Then, and only then, does the Old Guard have a chance to compete with conglomerates like Young Money and Maybach Music Group.

Lloyd Banks’ V6 is a victory for the Old Guard, but Banks is still capable of much better. I think a big part of why G-Unit needs to consolidate with D-Block and Dipset is so they have a chance at putting out records where every track is an A-list beat. That’s the advantage that Young Money and Maybach Music Group have. I also think Banks having soul sampled tracks on V6 is a good sign. Hip-hop needs to start sampling soul again. Overall, V6 is a good mixtape. Download it. At the same time, if you don’t have the classic four mixtapes mentioned earlier in this article, get those first, and then you’ll see why Lloyd Banks and G-Unit deserve to be considered part of the true golden age of hip-hop.

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The Sickest YouTube Video Ever

Sam Deutsch — Tue, 24 Jul 2012 20:51:56 +0000

-Yo bro, I found the sickest YouTube video ever!

-What’s it about bro?

-Well, I don’t want to give it away, but it has Henry Kissinger on a golf cart, and a giant statue of an Owl.

-Woah.

-Yeah just watch it, trust me. It’ll blow your mind. Oh, and after Wikipedia ‘Moloch’:

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Why I Stopped Watching The Knicks and Linsanity

Sam Deutsch — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 23:33:28 +0000

Why I stopped watching the Knicks wasn’t because of Linsanity, because that was supposed to be a reason to watch them right? No, it was right before, when I had a few beers with my friend one night at my mom’s house and watched the Knicks play a close game…with the Toronto Raptors…and then lose. I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know anything about basketball beyond the very very basics, but I know what I saw on that dark wasted drunken night was the worst athletic demonstration by a sports team that I’ve ever seen. The Knicks played ugly basketball. It was so ugly in fact, that I think I caught a glimpse of ugly in it’s pure form, and it wasn’t genocide or the skin disease that turns people into trees, it was just really really bad basketball.

When I heard about Jeremy Lin I was intrigued. I thought like I’m sure many other people did that it was awesome a Chinese guy was great at NBA-level basketball and didn’t have to be Yao Ming tall. However, as soon as my eyes caught their first glimpse of that bastard word, Linsanity, or perhaps one of its macabre permutations, the large black woman that lives in a duplex on the West Side of my soul cried out in a stereotypically offensive voice, “Oh no you didn’t!” The Charlie Sheen phenomenon turned me off to entertainment news, but the popularity, nay, the propagation of the word Linsanity made me realize all the news “smells like poo poo poo,” to quote Andre 3000. There is nothing better than a great pun, but there is also nothing worse than a bad one. It’s almost like the difference between great sex and rape. Yes, I truly believe the spectrum runs that wide. For example, Jeremy Lin is about to succeed the Ming dynasty in Houston. That should be really offensive, but it actually points to a glorious time in the history of a civilization that had writing 1200 years before Christ, when Europeans were still swinging from trees.

When you break down “Linsanity” what is it exactly? What is insane here? That a regular Chinese guy is really good at basketball at the U.S. professional level? I think “cool” would be a better word to describe that than “insane.” I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I think the only thing insane here is that paid journalists use made-up words to generate web traffic and drive ad revenue. As I fade to black on that note, I’ll leave you with three maxims:

Screw the Knicks. Screw bad puns. Go Jeremy Lin.

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Has Everything Already Been Thought?

Sam Deutsch — Sat, 21 Jul 2012 08:39:35 +0000

Has everything already been thought? This is a question we can check with Google. A few minutes ago I see gene therapy trending on good ol’ Google. “What the hell is gene therapy?” is my initial response, but then as soon as the Wikipedia page loads, my true nature kicks in and I google Jean Therapy, thinking, wow, what a great name for a character in a novel. Wrong answer Jeopardy noise. It’s already a women’s clothing store in New Orleans, and inexplicably Orland Park, Illinois, with exceedingly bad reviews on Yelp. Buzzkill. Everything’s already been thought of. Then it hits me like a tab of acid you take drunk and forget about until you go to bed, I think of something I thought of earlier today that hopefully no one’s been twisted enough to come up with: Taliban Teen Mom. I google my idea and bam, faith in depraved creativity restored.

I begin to scroll down the first page of search results, but after a few somber articles about the Taliban, I fall down a rabbit hole out of which I may never return. I see the following in the description of a website: “Taliban Sexually Assualt US Reporter, Teen Sex and Hardcore Sex Videos, Mom and Boy Videos, Free Sex Tapes and a lot more SeXXX Videos!” Okay, let that one sit for a second. Stir it a bit. Alright, now let’s examine the ramifications of what this means. First of all, obviously a robot, right? Okay, that should make me feel better, but then how did the five words Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter get strung together? Did a robot come up with this on it’s own? In it’s apparent randomness of ones and zeroes did a computer become more creatively perverted than human beings? That’s just too frightening to think about, even if it’s just the description in a harmless porn-virus site. Another possibility that gives me some hope is that at some point this was a legitimate news story that got absorbed into the gridded abyss of porn-virus, and regurgitated back into my search results.

I google Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter and for a brief moment of hope, albeit the darkest one I may ever have, I see this is a real news article, that a reporter named Lara Logan was sexually assaulted, and for a split-second the internet gets slightly less weird. Then I see it happened in Egypt. That damned Jeopardy buzzer in my head beeps again, and before I even have time to recover I get hit with another revelation: I forgot to put Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter in quotations. When I do the plot thickens, as I see three lone results all with the following description: “Title: Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter. Description: In the wrong country at the wrong time. Views: 2365. Tags: free mommy porn porn.” Before I can even contemplate the poetry of, “free mommy porn porn,” my focus shifts to the disturbing tagline, and then locks in on the absurd amount of views. It has to all be lies. There’s just no way over 2,000 human beings clicked a url with random numbers and letters. People are dumb, but not that dumb. Then I draw the most logical conclusion from the whole thing: it’s all old people who don’t know how to use the internet, but inexplicably understand quoted Google searches, who happen to have a very specific post-9/11 sexual fetish. I drop the conclusion just as fast, having learned at my prestigious private high school that the obvious answer is always and most definitely the wrong one. Occam’s Razor Scooter. So, accordingly, I jump on that scooter and glide right to the drawn-out conclusion of this investigation.

Machines must have done this. There’s no way someone successfully taped a Taliban member sexually assaulting a US reporter. Unless, of course, there’s a member of the Taliban who has an iPhone, which is probably true, totally weird, and something we’ll explore another time. For now though, I think it’s safe to say this whole thing is the work of computers. What does this mean? There’s a whole universe of porn-virus that exists in the virtual space of the internet, links never clicked, roads never taken. Is it just a world of viruses that lies behind the veil, or something more, something even weirder? What actually creates porn-virus sites and how did this whole thing even start? These are questions that may never be answered. At the same time though they may be easier questions to answer than a simple question that is now dying out. Several years ago my wonderfully old country Jewish grandmother, 88 years old at the time, rest in peace, looks at me innocently enough and asks, “Sam, what’s the Internet?” I tried as hard as I could to just explain the basic concept of different pages, but now, in this glorious year of our lord, 2012, a year marked by some cockamamie apocalypse prediction, I am reevaluating my grandmother’s question. What is the internet? Sure, we all use it, but can we explain exactly how it works? Let’s start with this line of reasoning. If something exists physically it takes up space. If something exists mentally it exists in our minds. The internet neither exists physically nor mentally. It does not physically exist because we cannot touch it. We touch computers, but the internet exists outside of computers. The internet does not exist mentally, because it is outside of our minds, but it is a product of our minds, something we are all plugged into that we use to retrieve and disseminate information. It appears then that the internet is actually a metaphysical realization of our collective consciousness, minds interfacing strictly with the information contained in other minds. Could it be that we’ve brought to life Jung’s theory with this crazy internet thing? We can all agree that the internet is a pretty Jung thing, in it’s infancy, probably in one of those Freudian stages that correspond to the types of sex people have. That’s cool and all, but if it’s just a baby now, and it thought up Taliban Sexually Assault US Reporter all by it’s little baby self, then, my friends, what will it think of by itself when it grows up and becomes an adult? Or even worse…what happens when it hits 6th grade?

Tune in next week for another frightening episode of: Real Life

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