Conan O’Brien and the Late Night Prom Date Depth Chart
In the wake of Conan O’Brien’s move to TBS, reports have surfaced that the funnyman was invited to a high school prom by a 16-year old girl back in 2003. Alas, the married comedian had to decline – I will not make a Letterman joke; I will not make a Letterman joke; I will not make a Letterman joke…
As I was saying, Conan had to decline, but he did send the girl a rather nice letter, which sure beats the hell out of most high school prom rejections. I gotta say, this is both incredibly gutsy and really friggin’ cute. I mean, come on. Of all the late night guys out there, Conan is basically the top prospect as far as dateability goes.
Let’s do it NFL Draft style and have a Late Night Prom Date Depth Chart (not the best title, but I’m spitballing here). Let me put on my Roger Goodell suit…yes, that’s better. OK, here we go.
Pros: Coming off NBC tiff with Leno makes him jilted and therefore about ten times cuter. It’s the Sad Puppy Effect; he’s like the Tim Tebow of late night comedy. Besides, dude is currently on tour and is friends with Bruce drummer Max Weinberg. Chicks love the rock stars.
Cons: The hair. My God…the hair. It looks like one of those waves Spicoli dreamt about in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Potential Prom Scenario: Buys a nice corsage, holds the door open for you, is polite to your mother. Dances a pitch-perfect Electric Slide, gets just drunk enough to be disarmingly cute, but doesn’t try to take advantage of you out of respect. The perfect mix of dorky and fun.
Teen Movie Equivalent: John Cusack in Say Anything
Draft: First overall
Pros: Longtime staple, biting wit, popular with the administration (NBC being the administration), but also willing to make fun of himself (see: Super Bowl commercial). Golden boy with clout and just enough self-depreciating wit to make him seem like less of a douche.
Cons: Alpha male status must be asserted at all times; hung around NBC a bit too long and everyone suffered because of it. And, depending on your tastes or love of The Evil Dead…The Chin.
Potential Prom Scenario: Shows up with a flask, doesn’t leave until the entire prom has seen him do something dumb. Does a 45-second keg stand at the post-prom, pisses off the balcony and gets no action, but wakes up the next morning and is the first to laugh about it. A buffoon to his core, but he owns it.
Teen Movie Equivalent: Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused
Draft: Late first-round.
Pros: Guy is persistent, does not let the haters get him down. Can be goofily charming when he needs to be. Also, he’s down with the Roots.
Cons: Doesn’t know the line between goofily funny and annoying as hell.
Potential Prom Scenario: Buys a nice corsage…but accidentally pricks your boob. Holds the door open for you…but accidentally gets his tie caught closing it. Is nice to your mom…but can’t stop staring at her low-cut blouse in front of her every five seconds. Dances a pitch-perfect Soulja Boy. Gets you just drunk enough to make him seem cute. Doesn’t plan on having sex with you, but you decide to do it anyway. He is thrilled and makes a goofy joke about it.
Teen Movie Equivalent: McLovin.
Draft: Mid-third round
Pros: The valedictorian. Just won a Peabody Award, so the guy is prime A material. Genially charming, and has a Scottish accent.
Cons: Silver Fox. Could also be a pro, depending on your tastes.
Teen Movie Equivalent: The teacher in Varsity Blues, except the male version.
Draft: Second overall
Pros: The most high-profile; friends with all the cool kids, makes witty top ten lists, has a bald bandleader buddy that looks kind of like Howie Mandel.
Cons: Man whore. Damn. I almost made it.
Teen Movie Equivalent: Stifler in American Pie
Draft: Early second round.
Photo by halloween jack
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