We Should Just Let Celebrity Judges Pick The Golden Globe Winners

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association can keep picking the nominees for the Golden Globes, that’s fine – the rest, we should leave up to the people that really know quality entertainment: celebrities!

Here are the celebrities, all vetted and wholly-qualified, that should rightfully be deciding the award recipients in each of the twenty-five major categories:

1. Motion Picture – Drama, Tim Tebow – He’s God’s best friend and the only living VISD (Very Important Semi-Deity) on earth, ergo, he should decide the most important category. I don’t see any argument to be had here. Easy-peasy.

2. Actress – Drama, Keith Olbermann – He understands the calculated delicacy that these women strive for in demanding dramatic parts.

3. Actor – Drama, Michael Fassbender – The guy acted in more movies in 2011 than you’ve seen in your life. It doesn’t matter that he’s nominated for the category, he’s Irish, he’d be too ashamed to give himself the win. That, and Clooney would force him to give back The Amulet if he did, and then his powers would fade.

4. Motion Picture – Comedy / Musical, The LSU Football Team’s Offense – Because THAT’S funny!

5. Actress – Comedy / Musical, Tom Hardy – I mean, seriously, did you see the trailer for This Means War? The guy knows funny! Right? Tom Hardy. A laugh-riot. But he has to present the award as Bane in full costume and makeup.

6. Actor – Comedy / Musical, Tom Cruise – Tom has become the de-facto ambassador for this category ever since Tropic Thunder. If you attempt to wrestle control away from him, you’ll end up with broken knees and cement shoes.

7. Animated Feature, Rush Limbaugh – Rush. Loves. Cartoons.

8. Foreign Language Film, Arianna Huffington – She wanted to be involved, so we invented a special category for her to think about.

9. Supporting Actress, Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds – It’s no small secret that women love it when middle-aged men with mustaches of varying fluffiness explain why they’re champions of their craft. Björk was my obvious first choice for this, and she’d initially agreed to take the category, but she backed out when she found out she was going to have to share the stage of Tom Selleck. Those two. Wow. Drama.

10. Supporting Actor, Mitt Romney – I just want to see him in the same room as Ricky Gervais.

11. Director, An Upper West-side Nanny – She went to film school, you guys. She knows what to do.

12. Screenplay, The Guy With The Huge Mustache From Call of Duty – He strikes me as a straight-talker. Movies have too many words these days. I get all my news from X-Box Live, like all real Americans.

13. Original Score, The Luminous, Malfunctioning Coffee Machine That Your Parents Got For Christmas – The advanced models are all atomic-powered and noisy and covered in blinky lights. Trent Reznor used a couple different Japanese coffee machines to craft the score for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

14. Original Song, Robert Downey Jr. – A coffee machine is RDJ’s +1 and he wants to leave right after presenting, so you need him to go on right after the coffee machine, which RDJ affectionately refers to as Blinky, The Japanese Fuckface. They’re an item now. Google it.

15. TV Series – Drama, LeBron James – Face it, guys, he knows how drag out drama to nauseating lengths. And then under-deliver.

16. Actress, TV – Drama, Sean Connery – Sean Connery hasn’t gotten any work since The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen back in 2003 (by his own decision, mind you). But he’s probably bored by now and would jump at the chance to talk to Julianna Margulies.

17. Actor, TV – Drama, Quentin Tarantino – No reason.

18. TV Series – Comedy, Conan O’Brien – Bite your tongue! Conan is a saint and a journeyman! I want to see him drive up on stage in his ancient Ford Taurus and then climb out of it like the Burning Irish Lighthouse of Glory that he is.

19. Actress – Comedy, Ivy Blue Carter – Well, she’s already more famous than you, you dullard. Do you think she’s going to have blue hair? Like, she’s going to grow up and her hair just grows out a deep, J. Crew navy-blue, naturally, and it’ll make Jay-Z look like some kind of psychic. Beyonce would hate it though and she would make the girl dye it yellow. Not blond, hard, jaundiced, mustard gas-yellow. Either way, Ivy (Ivy Blue? What does she go by?) is going to grow up as a musical idol, especially in Japan, because of the blue hair thing.

20. Actor – Comedy, Corey Haim – A Hollywood institution, Corey. . . wait, I think this one is dead. We want the alive one. Corey FELDMAN. The one from Stand By Me and The Goonies. Him. Dude was hilarious in The Lost Boys. Not Kiefer Sutherland funny, but funny.

21. Miniseries, Benedict Cumberbatch – The most British of the categories must be decided by the most British of men.

22. Actress – TV Series, George W. Bush – They have HBO miniseries lumped in with network comedies? Who could possibly make a decision on something like this? Duh.

23. Actor – TV Series, Nicholas Cage – I believe it was Roger Ebert that said Nic Cage is great in good films and indispensible in bad ones. This property is transitive to award ceremonies.

24. Supporting Actress, TV, Jessica Brown Findlay – She’s not nominated for Downton Abbey, so there’s no conflict. Oh, please, don’t give me that look, Maggie Smith was going to win anyway. Anyway, Sybil is the best Crawley and anybody that says otherwise is a commie.

25. Supporting Actor, TV, Lady Gaga – You want her to show up don’t you? Then you’d better give her a meaty category to labor over.

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Still bored? Check my recap for last night’s episode of Person of Interest, read my review of that movie The Tree of Life (it’s pretty okay), and follow me on Twitter — for every new follower I get, I’ll recite an unrelated Simpsons or Seinfeld quote from the mid-90′s!

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