FRAME-BY-FRAME ANALYSIS OF THE ENIGMATIC AND OVERLY DRAMATIC GAME OF THRONES SEASON 2 TRAILER THAT REALLY TELLS US NOTHING BUT IS STILL KIND OF INTERESTING

(Don’t even tell me this new trailer does not deserve ALL CAPSS!1)

STANNIS BARATHEON (voiceover narration): “My brother left no trueborn heirs. By right and birth and blood I do lay claim this day to the Iron Throne of Westeros. Let all true men declare their loyalty. The Iron Throne is mine by right. They will bend the knee or I will destroy them. The cold winds are rising.”

Opening shot of an encampment by the ocean, banners flying. It’s probably Renly’s encampment, though who knows it really could be any encampment anywhere. Cut to Renly, mounted on a white horse with his antler crown, looking badass. Cut to Stannis Baratheon, played by my secret husband Stephen Dillane, lit by the flames of an eldritch fire. (Roll 1d4 to see if you are burned. You are burned. Because the night is dark and full of terrors. Continue anyway, Rh’llor commands it.) Fade to wide-angle ocean shot, with dark clouds amassing. Lots of amassing. More amassing! Cut to a quick shot of Jon Snow wreathed in spooky shadows. (Wait, what? He’s not a contender for the throne! But he is soooo cute!) Fade to a rocky desert, traversed by galloping hooves. The pitiless sun glares mutely in the distance. Cut to Daenerys Targaryen and her faithful companion, Ser Jorah Mormont, looking emaciated and tribal and not really clothed all that much. Cut to forest shot, with the sun? or moon? Or other planetary body, like perhaps a prophesied red comet?! time-lapses across the sky. The passage of time! Dramatic, extremely dark shot of Jamie Lannister looking over his shoulder. (Honey you can look at me anytime!) And then a slightly-less-dark-but-still-pretty-dark shot of Cersei, queen bitch in charge, looking at… someone! Wide shot of the sun setting over a plain… somewhere! And then a still-pretty-dark shot of pensive Tyrion Lannister, contemplating… something. (Girl, all of this long staring off into the distance by the scions of Casterly Rock! My nerves just can’t deal!) Smoky fade to Arya, looking tiny but defiant, and entirely gray. More gray. Twilight shot of a steep mountain. Flickering shadow fade to Catelyn Stark, looking concerned, followed closely by Robb Stark, surrounded by darkness except for a few scattered embers. Cloudy time-lapse treeline! The time, it passes, oh god it passes! Fade to green hazy clouds, passing. Fade to JOFFREY BARATHEON LANNISTER ASSHOLE, wearing a ludicrously large golden crown, sipping from a goblet, with Sansa downcast next to him. (Sansa!!! I’m totally rooting for you girl!!!!) Burning ashes fadeaway to a shot of the icy north (beyond the Wall?), covered with pine trees. Words appear on the screen: “The Cold Winds Are Rising.” (Indeed, are they? HOW DARE THEY!) “Game of Thrones. Season 2. April 2012.” Fade to black.

Well, now I need a cigarette.