My Love Affair With Courtney Stodden

Who writes just like James Joyce on Twitter (according to IWriteLike.com)? Courtney Stodden, of course. (A recent Tweet: “The strumming of melodious music rocks every beat of my harmonious heart as it fills me up w/a timeless vintage vibration of vivaciousness!”)

The 17-year-old vixen best known for her heart-stirring tribute to the troops with her song “We Are America”, is the latest aspiring hot mess to take the media by storm.

I must admit that I was late to hop on the Courtney Stodden train. I brushed her off at first, thinking that Dina Lohan had just had another kid, but I couldn’t keep myself away from that drag queen eye shadow, just-sexed-up-by-a-pedophile hair, and body that can only come from eating lots of paper and laxatives. I began listening to her tunes, following her on Twitter, and reblogging her pictures from a pumpkin patch porno shoot just like any other gay boy would.

I was initially struck by her pink haired dog that made an appearance in her music video for “Don’t Put It On Me”, her implant-less breasts, and the fact she became a gossip blog sensation by simply marrying an old character actor from Lost. In fact, her being married to a 50-year-old is probably the least interesting thing about the child. She proved to be free of plastic surgery on Dr. Drew’s show, poses on the street corner without makeup, was kicked out of a pumpkin patch after molesting some gourds and being too goddamn sexy, and is on Elvis Presley’s Top Friends List on Myspace. Her mom has even declared her to be the next Anna Nicole Smith.

America’s other favorite sex vixen Anderson Cooper is even a fan of the expert face contorter and is “obsessed.” (You know that his two ringtones are “Car Candy” and “Don’t Be Tardy For The Party.”)

So why am I and millions of other Americans obsessed with this wordy and fascinating Washington state native? Is it because we wished we were born with big tits and a perfect body, were being interviewed by RadarOnline and Dr. Drew, were a front page story for reputable news sites, and had the love and backing of Anderson Cooper? Is it because we wish millions of people viewed our shitty YouTube music videos we made on a boat one day? Or because we wish we could afford to apply $90 worth of makeup every morning?

We’re struck by Courtney for the same reason we loved The Girls Next Door. Making a life of being overtly sexual and becoming famous for it is an idea that is scary and a little bit intriguing. I, and most of you, will never actually do it. We go to the deli around the corner in sweatpants, apply makeup in the office bathroom, and use a drunken night out as an excuse to not wash our face before bed. But Courtney is committed to be the ridiculous and extreme fantasy, something we could never even bring ourselves to do a tenth of every morning. She’s a hard worker and the amount of time she spends on applying her makeup is probably longer than most parents spend with their children.

And while old pictures of Courtney have surfaced, showing the kind-eyed high schooler sporting American Girl lip gloss and a makeup-less face, I’m not ready to accept that she didn’t walk out of the womb in 7 inch heels. The life ahead of her is a long one (she isn’t even an adult yet), and cameras are sure to be following her as she climbs up the awkwardly old men ladder to fame. It’s obviously worked out so far, and since the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith is in the heart of every American, I’m excited to see Courtney laugh her way to the bank and spray tan her life away in the Bahamas sun as we sit behind our computers and dream about having the balls to do the same.

Follow Alex Hughes on Twitter! @TheAlexHughes

Image via: egotastic.com

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Alex Hughes was born in the Bible Belt and moved to New York City to study. He is an editorial assistant. Follow him on Twitter @TheAlexHughes. He can be contacted at: alex@thefastertimes.com ...read more

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