Ryan Reynolds’ Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O’clock Shadow

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock ShadowRyan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper. Guys want to be them, girls want them to be inside of them.

Recently it seems I can’t walk anywhere in New York City without being bombarded by images of Cooper passed out on the floor with a monkey on his back or a possessed Reynolds in a skin tight green onesie. I’m not complaining, both of these fine gentlemen make for some mouthwatering eye candy promoting their recent roles in The Hangover Part 2 and The Green Lantern.

Though these boys are extremely talented, easy on the eyes and have starred in some excellent movies, I can’t for the life of me tell them apart. I mean, yes, when I am drooling over them on the big screen, I can clearly differentiate who they are, but I repeatedly get their careers and movie roles mixed up. I often find myself asking such phrases as “Is it The Hangover guy or the douche bag boyfriend from Wedding Crashers that stars in that movie where he has to marry Sandra Bollock, his Canadian boss?” Just so we are clear, both of the previously mentioned actors are actually Bradley Cooper, and the Sandra Bollock movie is called The Proposal, starring Ryan Reynolds. I would rather spend my time using the Dewey decimal system to re-categorize my pantry then ever watch that movie again.

Since learning that these actors are, in fact, not the same person, I’ve set out to uncover who is more beloved and ultimately who the next Matthew McConaughey will be. I’ve pitted the gentlemen against each other in seven extremely important categories including; movies they’ve starred in, abs, ex wives/girlfriends, Klout scores, beards, and a poll I conducted with 100 friends/strangers/random people I found on the side of the street.


Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

As far as I’m concerned, Cooper popped onto the acting scene in 1999 with a bowl cut rolling aroundCarrie Bradshaw’s bed as one of her hunky flings in season two. He’s done his fair share of chick flicks with Failure To Launch, He’s Just Not That Into You and the ridiculously star-studded yet surprisingly awful Valentine’s Day. Some of my favorites include, of course both Hangovers, Wedding Crashers, Wet Hot American Summer and Limitless. He was in the A Team which was probably awful, and two productions in 2008 that I never saw titled Bang Blow & Stroke and The Midnight Meat Train that sound a bit mcshady if you ask me. I will have to do some of my own personal investigative research on those productions later tonight.

Ryan Reynolds got his start on some show called Fifteen in 1990 that is too old for me to care about. He had a lead role in the made for TV movie Sabrina The Teenage Witch, definitely knocking off a few cool points. Some of my personal favorite movies he’s starred in are Smokin’ Aces, Adventureland, Chaos Theory, The Amityville Horror, and Waiting. Van Wilder and Just Friends were alright. I haven’t seen X-men Origins: Wolverine, Definitely Maybe or Buried because watching a guy trapped in a coffin for two hours didn’t quite appeal to me.

Although Reynolds has starred in more movies, I would say Bradley Cooper’s Hangover performance trumps everything Reynolds has ever done. Most importantly, Ryan Reynolds starred in The Proposal and The Green Lantern, which is unforgivable.

Bradley 1 Ryan 0


Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock ShadowRyan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

Though both of these men have ridiculously amazing bodies, I’m going to have to go with Ryan on the abs category. He has been on the cover of Men’s Health and has numerous blogs dedicated to his ab workout routines. Thankfully he is shirtless in nearly every movie he’s ever made. I especially enjoyed his ab’s performance in The Amityville Horror. Towards the end of the movie he obviously goes off the deep end, but I don’t let his insanity deter my true feelings towards him. In my trance I tried to reason with myself thinking, “If he was my husband, even if he had a few anger management issues, I’d still be able to appreciate that glorious eight-pack, even if they are helping to propel his arms as he psychotically chops our furniture to bits with an axe.” Ryan Reynolds also used his bod’ for the greater good in 2008 when he ran the NYC marathon for his father who suffers from Parkinson’s Disease. He wrote about his trials and tribulations over at the Huffington Post and surprisingly seems to be funny not only in person, but on the written page as well. Many fans voiced their concerns for Ryan’s nipples, giving him advice on “How to Keep Your Nipples From Bleeding During A Marathon.” He should have just ran shirtless. Problem solved.

Bradley 1 Ryan 1

Ex Wives/Girlfriends

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock ShadowRyan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

My only source of celebrity gossip is Chelsea Lately, and really all I’ve retained from the show is that hilarious clip of Chelsea Grammer falling off the stage that they repeatedly play, however, a quick Google search provided an endless pool of celebrity gossip and other tasteless trash columns reminiscent of Perez Hilton and other highly revered “journalists” of our day.

After picking my way through thorny gossip and weeding out all of the incredibly unreliable phrases such as “well he was spotted grinding on this blonde chick at this one club the other night” and “we saw him brunching with this hot new model/actress” is that Ryan was engaged to Alanis Morissette back in 2002, married Scar Jo (I hate myself for typing that), got a divorce and is currently frolicking around with some model named Agnes Fischer.

Bradley has a slightly shorter list as he was married to a chick named Jennifer Esposito and then dated Renee Zellweger (yes I am aware that her name is supposed to have a little apostrophe above the second E, but I never did learn how to insert those during my high school Spanish years and I don’t feel like starting now). Bradley dated Zellweger for what seemed like a decade in celeb years, and eventually called it quits. There have been rumors that he is currently dating Jen Aniston, but then again, who isn’t?

Although Ryan was indeed engaged to Alanis, we can forgive him since he managed to land Scarlett Johansson nearly a decade later. And I think everyone will agree that head to head, Johansson will beat Zellweger everytime.

Bradley 1 Ryan 2

Klout Scores

Who gives a shit.


Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock ShadowRyan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

While it’s true that Ryan has been known to sport a full on beard more often than Bradley, no one can refute the pure sex appeal of Brad’s perpetual 5 O’clock shadow. Regardless, Ryan looks pretty Douchey with a beard.

Bradley 2 Ryan 2

Random Poll

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

(These graphs have nothing to do with my results, they just look pretty)

I conducted a survey with 100 participants, half male, half female. The statistics reveal that there is an overwhelming bromance blossoming between 33 of the guys I questioned and Ryan Reynolds. When asked, “ who do you prefer – Ryan Reynolds or Bradley Cooper?” most of the guys answered something to the effect of, “I’d go gay for Reynolds.” The other 17 said they chose Cooper because he is the lesser of two douches.

The ladies, on the other hand, swayed a little more towards the “dirty sexy” Cooper with 27 out of 50 votes.

I know you are on the edge of your seat, you’ve been feverishly reading through this article, bursting at the seams with anticipation, awaiting the unveiling of the next Matthew McConaughey. Drum roll please. The winner is, Ryan Reynolds, despite the fact that he has worn a fat suit.

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

Alright, I know that seemed extremely anticlimactic, but in all seriousness, well, as serious as you can get in an article about beards and abs, if these men play their cards right, they might just become the next whispery Keanu Reeves and Alec Baldwin of their generation. Dream big guys, dream big.

Bradley 2 Ryan 3

Memorable quotes gathered while conducting my research:

“Ryan Reynolds looks like a cute puppy dog of a man. Good looking chap with or without facial hair. Bradley Cooper looks like a guy I want to take a tire iron to after a heated moment following a fender bender. I dunno why, just looks like a jaggoff to me.”

“Ryan Reynolds was engaged to Alanis Morissette, who also dated/went down on Uncle Joey from Full House [in a theatarh]”

“Bradley Cooper looks like the chick who used to be on cheers who got fat then skinny then fat and did weight watchers commercials then fell on dancing with the stars.” (fairly certain he was referring to Kirstie Alley)

“Ryan does the best awkward hug between friends who turn lovers and also he is a down-home Canadian who rocks the facial hair like a true lumberjack!”

“Bradley Cooper is dirty sexy”

“Bradley Cooper because he was smart enough to not do Green Lantern or The Proposal.”

“The Coop. That’s my pet name for him.” (from a man)

“Bradley Cooper: abs-8 of them, sexiness-scale of 1-10, he’s an 11, Acting abilities- Good, but does that really matter?” (also from a man).

Most importantly, it should be noted that Ryan Reynolds looks similar to Dane Cook, which used to be a good thing, and now it’s just an annoying thing and Bradley Cooper sometimes looks like Lord Voldemort.

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

Ryan Reynolds' Abs VS. Bradley Cooper’s Perpetual 5 O'clock Shadow

Brittany Zaborowski long boards to her place of employment in Manhattan where she works for the marketing company responsible for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force mooninite “terrorist attacks” in Boston. Sh ...read more


  • Victor de Graaf

    Ik vind dat een man een buikje mag hebben Altans er zit wel een liemiet zoals ik vind dat een man hoog uit 25 kilo te zwaar mag zijn en niet meer.
    Ik vind dat als een man 25 kilo te zwaar is dat hij dan niet lijt aan overgewicht.
    Maar als een man zwaarder is dan 25 kilo dan vind ik wel weer dat een man aan over gewicht lijd.

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