St. Patrick’s Day Special: The Year in Drunkenness

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day: The Years Twelve Most Important Moments in Drunkenness

12. Kardashian Kegger: Kim Kardashian does a keg stand: I don’t watch porn (because it scares me), but if Kim puts the same level enthusiasm into those performances as she does into this one then I’m not missing much.

11. Lady Gaga’s Drunk Diet: Whiskey and yoga, Pop Eater reports. Also, she reportedly got Anderson Cooper super drunk during his interview with her. Girl has a way with the gays.

10. Christina Aguilera: TMZ reports, Aguilera and her boy have been arrested for drinking too much wine and driving. Probably because women need to get drunk to have sex, even with their boyfriends, according to a study reported by The Times of India. Some suggest it’s due to women’s body insecurities, but I think it has more to do with this alcohol-fueled trend, which ‘protruded’ summer of ’09.

9. Baby Boozer: A baby can’t live off of beer alone, in fact it will almost certainly cause critical brain damage. The Sun reports that a three-year-old child in the U.K. has been diagnosed with alcoholism, one of the youngest cases ever reported. Toddlers are behaving in a ridiculous manner these days. The last time I chilled with a three-year-old, he approached me on the beach and asked me if I “had a baby at home.” No joke, I’m pretty sure he was trying to pick me up.

8. MAD Drunk: NY Magazine reports, Debra Oberlin, former head of the Gainesville, Florida, chapter of Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, was arrested in February for…. drunk driving! When I found my chapter of Daughters Against Self-Righteous Mothers, Debra Oberlin and the entire Montclair N.J. mother/daughter book club will be reading signs outside their homes like, “Why didn’t you invite my divorcee mom to your get-togethers, you insecure sandwich-slicers?!?”

7. Drunk Politicians: Here is footage of Pakistani politician, Nawab Raisani, and Belgium politician, MP Michel Derden, both rather ‘sauced,’ the former more comatose, the latter jollier. Also, Jon Boehner crying. Lets hope he’s drunk. What a joy to watch Politicians lose all cognitive capacity!

6. Drunk Commoners: Because on You-Tube you don’t have to be famous to be publically ridiculed, number six goes to three normal dudes who are more than normally drunk. Fire interview: This guy just saw his house burn down and is really drunk. My only complaint with this interview is that he purports, “I’m gonna get racial now,” and then doesn’t. Two guys too wasted to set up tents. The name of this video says it all. I own a murphy bed so I know how they feel.

5. Galliano to Jewish People: Die. But only when he’s drunk! Otherwise he is the gentlest of fellows, says the fashion industry. Contrary to what Jamie Foxx would have you believe, some things cannot be blamed on the alcohol. Galliano’s recent anti-Semitic rant set Paris Fashion Week ablaze with controversy and made for much discomfort as a week of WWII inspired fashion ensued: Most notably, the Mark Jacobs show which featured models in fascist caps and handcuffs.

4. Drunk History: Essential. Fear not the degradation of our society as long as the Funny or Die’s web series Drunk History exists. A history-show narrated by a very drunk person, acted out by Will Farrell, Michael Cera, and John C. Reilly, among others. It’s Master Piece Theater meets drunk people trying to remember middle-school history class. A surprisingly informative series, if you don’t remember anything from middle-school history class. Also, surprisingly inspirational! When the narrator pukes and is like, “How did this come out of my body? There are pineapple pieces. I know I chewed them,” and then continues, “He went crazy but his greatest pleasure…” without skipping a beat in his history of Tesla, (who I now know invented electricity), it reveals the strength of the human will to perform for the camera. “This is Hell. I’m talking about Tesla in my puke,” says our man, closing, “Telsa was the electric Jesus!”

3. Four Loko: Dubbed “Black-out in a can,” this drink quickly became illegal due to it’s making people comatose on the regular. It’s high caffeine and alcohol content (the equivalent of 12 ounces of coffee and FIVE beers) got a whole lot of people got extremely f*cked up. My friend describes the experience, “THE BEST THING I EVER DID. THE FUNNEST,” while another recalls waking up next to a stranger with bruises on his hands. Similar experiences. Anyways, my friend Frank has a hook-up….

2. Sheen’s ‘Epic’ Bing: Charlie Sheen famously claims that his January binge, which ended in the hospital, “made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards and all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.” Never lacking in poeticism, Sheen was not only “banging seven gram rocks” but also, according to porn-star Kacey Jordan, drinking vodka by the bottle. On Jordan’s recent attempted suicide, which she has dismissed as a PR stunt, she tweets, “those 16 hours i was with charlie sheen… messed me up.” Damn hoomie. Now he’s strictly sipping Sheen, which is, “Not available because if you try it once your face will melt off.”

1. The Pant-less Romantic: The top drunken moment of the year is a personal one: The night my brother, donning only a speedo, White Castle tramp-stamp in full exposition, announced to his soon-to-be brother-in-law that he planned to propose to his sister. Being a stand-up guy himself, he gave my brother his full approval. Hairy-nipple-to-face (Brother-in-law is shorter than Brother) hugs ensued!

My brother’s other best-drunk moments of the year include peeing on his fiancés coffee table.

And now, avante! St. Patrick’s Day is upon us, ye olde leprechauns. What better way to spend the day than puking with strangers in the streets of NYC? (That’s an actual question. If you have a better idea, do it.)

Leave a comment with your most important moment in drunkenness this year!

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